Steady My Heart.

So my last post ended, what next? And the past month has revealed an answer to that. Since starting University (again...) in September, I've been in therapy trying to address some of the issues that keep me stuck in a cycle of  recovery and relapse with my mental health. The thing is...I am capable of living and functioning like a normal person, but that doesn't change the distressing mess that occurs inside of my brain. So, in reality - the times when I'm "recovered"? I'm actually just well enough to hide what's going on beneath the surface. That in itself has been really difficult to come to terms with. Life has been very challenging over the years and the past significantly dictates how I am currently living in the present. My dysfunctional relationship with food, my incredibly poor body image, my crippling anxiety and need to feel safe, my constant need for affirmation and reassurance, the inability to rest and just be. Next is some really hard h...

Well, this is a fairly painful post to write... In the process of beginning my degree I have unfortunately completely and entirely lost the grip I once had on my eating disorder. Things had been wobbly since last August and I thought things were improving. Turns out, I've just completely lost perspective, unfortunate but at least now I know. This week, I've had to accept that right now although I am a healthy weight? I am well and truly back in the grips of restriction and self hatred psychologically. It just so happens that I'm not underweight...yet. I am so incredibly tired of living with an eating disorder. I long for it to be gone from my life, but the prospect of actually recovering is so utterly petrifying. I have recovered previously and know the joy of freedom around food, but right now that feels so distant and impossible. Every meal is filled with anxiety, and the voice screaming in my head that I am morbidly obese, that I am ugly, that nobody could ever love ...

Curled up on the sofa having almost completed my mission to survive the "most wonderful time of year". This year, Christmas has been a real challenge for me. About a month ago now, I had a meltdown at work and was signed off with stress, depression and anxiety. This would suck at any time of year, but poses a particular challenge when there is endless pressure to be jolly and merry! I am no stranger to anxiety and depression, having experienced mental health issues throughout my teenage years, but this wobble has been incredibly difficult to overcome (and I'm by no means there yet). Now don't get me wrong...there have been some incredible moments this Christmas, to name but a few I have relieved my childhood by dressing up as an angel for the Kids Church nativity, I have been blessed with many incredible presents and seen family I don't often see. I've also spent time with close friends and some of my favourite little people. I've ice skated and made Chr...

My delightful eating disorder has reared it's ugly head well and truly recently and along with it a whirlpool of irrational thoughts and feelings. I am yet to decide which is worse...being irrational and not realising, or knowing that your thoughts are irrational yet feeling powerless to change it. I'm keeping a vague handle on things, having dropped 13kg fairly rapidly my weight is now stable. But the weight is just a symptom of inner turmoil. I've lost the enjoyment in food once more. I'm back to all or nothing and it's very difficult to keep myself on a stable, even keel. I'm eating a relatively healthy diet - full of cucumber and houmous, ryvita and light soft cheese, home made soup, salad and greek yoghurt but my "safe" diet has become incredibly limited once more. I can and will eat other meals - but they leave me feeling fat and guilty Being irrationally rational quite frankly sucks. I know one thing to be true, whilst I feel s...

"Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine  'Cause love can heal what hurt divides  And mercy's waiting on the other side  If we're honest  If we're honest"   I've tried so many times to blog in the past few weeks...but I pride myself on authenticity and everything I've written has felt like a lie. In the words of Francesca Battistelli...I have "a heart that loves to hide" and it particularly loves to hide when things get tough, when I haven't got it all as together as it might seem. For a few weeks now, I've been floundering somewhat, treading water but not really staying afloat. If we're honest , my mental health leaves a lot to be desired right now. If we're honest , despite the fact that life is a lot of fun right now, life is also really hard. If we're honest , I may be eating, but my body image is worse than ever. If we're honest , I feel totally unworthy and unlovable. If we...

Today, I stood in a supermarket and cried. I walked the aisles of my Sainsbury's Local for nearly an hour before choosing some food for dinner. I thought those days were behind me. It was a sharp reminder that recovery is not linear and that no matter how good things are? Recovery is fragile. It takes effort and perseverance. I wouldn't say I've relapsed - far from it. I'm acutely aware that I have let things slip and I'm aware of what I need to do to keep on top of it. It's just hard work to actually put that into practice. So what do you do, when you're stood in Sainsbury's crying? You get your head down and get on with the task in hand. Food is not an optional extra in life, it is a necessity and if I let it be...an enjoyable one. Eventually, I put some worship music on and purchased something I would actually find tasty. Tonight...sweet chilli and lime chicken salad with salt and pepper croutons. Part of my current problem is that I'm loo...

Once again, Eating Disorders Awareness Week is upon us and once again, I'm breaking the silence. I refuse to hide my story, I refuse to pretend that mental health is not a massive problem in our society. I am and always will be someone who experienced disordered eating. During periods of stress, my eating can still wobble. As much as I live very much recovered - I think I will always be "in recovery". There will always be the potential for relapse. However, the more I learn about myself, the more I learn my triggers. Looking back to when I was most entrenched in my eating disorder seems odd now. I am a completely different person. I cannot contemplate how sad I must have been to have put my body through what I did. In many ways, it's like I've almost forgotten that time. I remember bits, but with time the pain fades. Every time I write about eating disorders, I realise I'm a little more recovered than the last time I did...and I am proud. Recovery was the ...

I am tired. I love my new job but I am physically and emotionally drained and we're only a few weeks in. I think there are a few reasons behind my emotional tiredness: 1. Care work is inevitably emotional, I spend my shifts with poorly people - some who won't get fully better, some who will die, some who want to die. It's hard going, but I wouldn't want to be emotionless. How can I care for these people if I don't care about them? And it's not just the patients - there's the relatives too. I'm having to remind myself that it's important to leave work at work as much as possible. 2. There are a few people in my life right now who are struggling - be that a break up, an illness, an eating disorder. I love my friends and I care about them, it's privilege to support people but again - it's emotionally draining. Sometimes I want to just bang my head against the wall with frustration that I can't help enough. I constantly have to remind my...

For anyone who's read my blog, it's probably no surprise that I have experienced mental health problems. These days I'm pretty open about most of it - the first time I "outed" myself was for Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2012 and since then, there are regular references to my experiences of mental illness. I sit here today writing this blog as someone who has experienced mental illness. I do not call myself a "sufferer", I would not choose to have been ill however, it has taught me a lot and made me the person I am today. To me, it is just another experience. On the whole, I would view myself as someone living in recovery as opposed to a few years ago, when my life felt consumed by depression and disordered eating. My life these days is full of love and laughter and friendship but also still a heck of a lot of tough times. Part of my recovery is accepting that life is not easy. Recovery doesn't mean my life is okay now - it means I've ...

This evening I had a blip. And it's left me feeling like a ginormous fat blimp. More so than usual. Ironically, the cause of the blip? Receiving a letter suggesting that I am still currently diagnosed with bulimia nervosa. Now, I know I'm not. My own GP knows I'm not. The mental health team that discharged me as "recovered" know I'm not. I am recovered. I had an eating disorder, in the past. It is not current. I still struggle with confidence and body image. I still feel I am fat. Some days I still struggle with "normal". But I do not spend my life restricting, binging, purging, exercising and taking laxatives. I am recovered and I am immensely proud of the effort I put into that recovery. I'm angry that such a petty thing has knocked me. It came from a letter full of errors. It is an error. I do not still have bulimia. I think I'm also angry at myself for the shame and embarrassment I feel. I was always embarrassed of the bulimia ...

Watching "Don't Call Me Crazy" this week was incredibly close to home. I was never an inpatient, but I've had friends who have been as well as my fair share of involvement with the mental health system. For many years now I've had friends with eating disorders and likewise for many years, I was very entrenched in my own eating disorder and depression. Recently, I've begun to realise just how 'recovered' I am. I don't think an eating disorder ever truly goes away and I am certain the pain it once caused is never forgotten. I am however, now able to live a virtually 'normal' life and recovery means I can enjoy so many things that I'd once lost. It's always good to reflect on how far you've come...and maybe I can give my friend's hope too. 10 things recovery gave me: Covent garden soup with bread and butter - none of this watery cuppa soup and rice cakes A genuine smile in front of the camera    Napping because I wan...

Flashback 3 years: Easter Sunday 2010  Easter Sunday 2010 was my baptism. I don't remember that many details from the day but I do remember the verse I was given and the song that we sung as I came up from the water... Romans 8:38-39 "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." I chose this song because it was one that had really touched me during that year. Things had been difficult, I was working really hard to recover from an eating disorder, my parents were in the process of getting divorced, I was studying for my A2's, there was lots of uncertainty about the future and this song...

This Christmas I'll be having a fat-free Christmas. For the past few years Christmas has involved panicking about food. This year I'll be avoiding the word fat over the Christmas period. The word fat for me contains so much more than just weight...it's about feeling lazy, unloved, unworthy. It's not productive or enjoyable to spend Christmas yelling abuse at myself so this year, I will be trying my hardest to avoid "feeling fat". Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the thoughts will creep in, most days I think about being fat but for the next week or so I'm going to enjoy food, in moderation without binging, purging or restricting and it is going to be wonderful. Just a year ago I couldn't have said this, or even considered it privately but I feel that I have made SO much progress in the past year. And as much as I hate to admit it, getting properly "fat" was part of that process. It's taking me a long long time to get the weight back ...

This weekend marks two years since I flew the nest and came to Uni. My middle sister is now following suit but headed for a different city and a different course. I've been reading over old journals again recently and feeling pretty nostalgic and I guess a little sad. Freshers is meant to be a time of trying out new activities, getting drunk making new friends and generally just "loving life". Now, don't get me wrong...I did do some of this; First night drinks Myself and Beth (housemate) Freebies at Freshers Fair Amelia, Beth, myself, Laura     Foam party UV rave But I also did a fair amount of crying, weighing myself, hiding in my room and wishing the whole world would swallow me up. Things were so different back then. I miss being slim so so much. I cannot believe I wasted hours of my time standing on the scales berating myself for being fat, and look at me now, gone completely the other way. I am trying to address the weight I'...

*Apologies...post contains some swearing in quotes* An atypical eating disorder. Otherwise known as EDNOS. It can be just as life threatening as anorexia without any of the "glory" bestowed upon those with the "self control" to starve themselves. Looking over an old personal journal, I have picked out the following. The posts are over a year old but are far more articulate than I can be at the moment... I hate this no-mans-land. This week I've been a "bulimic", last week I tended more to "anorexia" but I'm obviously not very good at either and I totally fail at "healthy". Many patients who do not meet full criteria for these diseases are nevertheless quite ill, and the diagnosis they now receive, “Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified,” may delay their ability to get treatment. “It is a bit misleading to patients — it can make them feel like they don’t have a real eating disorder,” 60 percent of EDNOS patients ...

This week is Eating Disorder Awareness Week and the theme for 2012? Breaking the silence. This may not be an easy read and believe me, it's not easy to write! Over the years I've had lots of experience with eating disorders, both supporting friends who've been ill, but also as a sufferer. Something that many people (particularly back in Torquay) don't know about me. So here I am, breaking my silence. I've always had an all-or-nothing relationship with food. I can go for days eating barely anything but take me to an all-you-can-eat buffet and I will practically have to waddle home with my food baby. It's hard to admit, it feels completely humiliating but I LOVE FOOD. And you will be hard pressed to find an eating disorder sufferer who doesn't. It's taken me many many years to believe that it's okay to enjoy food and it's something I still find hard today. Eating disorders are manipulative and ugly, they make you do things you would never dre...