Breaking the Silence: EDAW 2012
This week is Eating Disorder Awareness Week and the theme for 2012? Breaking the silence.
This may not be an easy read and believe me, it's not easy to write! Over the years I've had lots of experience with eating disorders, both supporting friends who've been ill, but also as a sufferer. Something that many people (particularly back in Torquay) don't know about me. So here I am, breaking my silence.
I've always had an all-or-nothing relationship with food. I can go for days eating barely anything but take me to an all-you-can-eat buffet and I will practically have to waddle home with my food baby. It's hard to admit, it feels completely humiliating but I LOVE FOOD. And you will be hard pressed to find an eating disorder sufferer who doesn't. It's taken me many many years to believe that it's okay to enjoy food and it's something I still find hard today.
Eating disorders are manipulative and ugly, they make you do things you would never dream of when you are well. I've seen it in my friends and looking back I can see it in myself. It makes you hurt the people you love, it makes you miss school in favour of exercise, laxatives and throwing up, it makes you waste hundreds of pounds on surplus food. And that's just the beginning.
One thing I've learnt over the years is that it's not about food, it's not about weight. It's about self worth and something deeper. No matter how much weight I lost or gained I was never happy with my appearance (and I still struggle today). My weight has fluctuated massively and many of you will understand how it feels to look in the mirror and just see fat. It's really really tough but it is possible to look in the mirror and find something positive every day, no matter how minute.
At the moment I am the biggest I've been in a long long time because I'm comfort eating. Life is stressful, Ben and Jerry's helps (or so I like to think). It's cliche but I want to be healthy. But healthy takes a lot of work. Especially for someone with a history of eating disorders. I don't want to return to starving myself. I don't want to take laxatives or make myself throw up. I want to eat nice food, enjoy it and be healthy.
This is fairly jumbled and there is so much more I could say but after years of silence I think this is enough! But to finish; as much as I miss being slim and dislike my current overweight BMI I never again want to let food make me as unhappy as it has in the past. Recovery is possible. It takes a long time, but I'm getting there and one day, I hope my friends will too.
This may not be an easy read and believe me, it's not easy to write! Over the years I've had lots of experience with eating disorders, both supporting friends who've been ill, but also as a sufferer. Something that many people (particularly back in Torquay) don't know about me. So here I am, breaking my silence.
I've always had an all-or-nothing relationship with food. I can go for days eating barely anything but take me to an all-you-can-eat buffet and I will practically have to waddle home with my food baby. It's hard to admit, it feels completely humiliating but I LOVE FOOD. And you will be hard pressed to find an eating disorder sufferer who doesn't. It's taken me many many years to believe that it's okay to enjoy food and it's something I still find hard today.
Eating disorders are manipulative and ugly, they make you do things you would never dream of when you are well. I've seen it in my friends and looking back I can see it in myself. It makes you hurt the people you love, it makes you miss school in favour of exercise, laxatives and throwing up, it makes you waste hundreds of pounds on surplus food. And that's just the beginning.
One thing I've learnt over the years is that it's not about food, it's not about weight. It's about self worth and something deeper. No matter how much weight I lost or gained I was never happy with my appearance (and I still struggle today). My weight has fluctuated massively and many of you will understand how it feels to look in the mirror and just see fat. It's really really tough but it is possible to look in the mirror and find something positive every day, no matter how minute.
At the moment I am the biggest I've been in a long long time because I'm comfort eating. Life is stressful, Ben and Jerry's helps (or so I like to think). It's cliche but I want to be healthy. But healthy takes a lot of work. Especially for someone with a history of eating disorders. I don't want to return to starving myself. I don't want to take laxatives or make myself throw up. I want to eat nice food, enjoy it and be healthy.
This is fairly jumbled and there is so much more I could say but after years of silence I think this is enough! But to finish; as much as I miss being slim and dislike my current overweight BMI I never again want to let food make me as unhappy as it has in the past. Recovery is possible. It takes a long time, but I'm getting there and one day, I hope my friends will too.
You're amazing. x
ReplyDeletehugs
ReplyDeleteMassively brave. x
ReplyDelete