Steady My Heart.

I look back on certain photos from my time as a toddler and long to have that freedom once more. To lack inhibitions and fear and the "what if's" that so often overwhelm every day life seems to be a really joyful time. I obviously don't really have any clear memories from this time - but from what other people have said, I was a fairly anxious child throughout primary school. To an extent - managing anxiety is all I've ever known as it's all I can ever remember. I wonder when I made that transition from joyful toddler to anxious child. I've had my faith in God for many many years (though not quite as long as I've had my old friend anxiety!) but so often I find it hard to trust in God and allow that to alleviate my fears and anxieties. Over the past two months I've found some of that childlike faith again, upped and left Brighton to start a new chapter in Worcester surrounded by friends, closer to family and part of a fab church that I really...

A fortnight of induction is over. And I'm sat here on a Saturday morning, surrounded by paperwork, books and a wealth of online resources feeling slightly more than a tad overwhelmed. I want to be a good student. I want to be the best nurse I can possibly be. I want to read everything and do everything and be everything and know everything. Right this second. But I can't. It's a 3 year degree with a lifetime's worth of CPD for a reason. I will never know it all. It's been a fairly bitty week; admin, learning how to reference and reflect, meeting my personal tutor, and generally preparing for placement, including occupational health. I have been passed as fit for placement without any doubt or questions from my wonderful occupational health nurse. She said I look and sound like a different person to when she last saw me.This was a massive confidence boost and has reminded me that I am doing okay - I am still anxious and low at times but I am okay. I am coping and m...

While I was home over Christmas, I had a long chat with my Mum and it was the first time I truly admitted one of my most damaging coping mechanisms. Not my eating disorder or any other thing I may physically do to myself, but something far more damaging, although I am only just realising it. Isolation. When I am at my most anxious, my most depressed, my most vulnerable? I isolate myself. It's been my coping mechanism of choice since my teenage years but something I've never truly realised as such. It began when I was 13, I began to hide away in my room. I was hiding from my family, from difficult situations in my life at that time but I was also isolating myself from any support. This continued (and worsened) as I grew up and ultimately damaged my friendships. By the time I left for University, I found any social situation stressful and was most comfortable in just the company of one or two other people.  Recently, my desire to isolate myself is really quite overwhelming ...

So, I'm going back to work on Thursday. I am both petrified and excited. I miss my colleagues and I miss patients. Equally though, I am still very much stuck with the delights of anxiety and depression. Deciding to go back is a bit of an odd decision because I'm really having to trust that I'm not doing it alone, I'm doing it with the support of friends, family, my GP and ultimately my faith in Jesus. Realistically, it could take months for me to get back to my normal self and I need to continue with normal life as much as possible in the meantime. There's no point getting three months down the line and being anxiety free but purely because I'm avoiding all of the situations that make me anxious. In my mission to manage my anxiety rather than just wish it was gone, I spent yesterday joining a gym and starting to get on top of my to do list. Feeling overwhelmed by life is a huge trigger for my anxiety so having an outlet is good, as is stopping avoiding the t...

Curled up on the sofa having almost completed my mission to survive the "most wonderful time of year". This year, Christmas has been a real challenge for me. About a month ago now, I had a meltdown at work and was signed off with stress, depression and anxiety. This would suck at any time of year, but poses a particular challenge when there is endless pressure to be jolly and merry! I am no stranger to anxiety and depression, having experienced mental health issues throughout my teenage years, but this wobble has been incredibly difficult to overcome (and I'm by no means there yet). Now don't get me wrong...there have been some incredible moments this Christmas, to name but a few I have relieved my childhood by dressing up as an angel for the Kids Church nativity, I have been blessed with many incredible presents and seen family I don't often see. I've also spent time with close friends and some of my favourite little people. I've ice skated and made Chr...

As I write this, it is 04.29 on a Saturday morning and it's one of those morning's when I feel totally broken. Living with a chronic illness is harder than I ever imagined, if you add a mental health wobble into the mix? Well you end up, sat awake at 04.29 feeling both physically and emotionally broken. I feel incredibly distant in my faith right now and am finding it difficult to engage, but nonetheless I know that perseverance is key. I know Jesus is with me, even though right now I struggle to feel Him. The early hours of a Saturday morning seems as good a time as any to catch up on one of the preaches that's been sat in my bookmarks for my months than I like to admit! This particular talk was given by Jules Jacob and was entitled "How to deal with anxiety" . "The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life."  John 10:10 (NLT) The second part is what Jesus wants for my life but right no...