Steady My Heart.

So my last post ended, what next? And the past month has revealed an answer to that. Since starting University (again...) in September, I've been in therapy trying to address some of the issues that keep me stuck in a cycle of  recovery and relapse with my mental health. The thing is...I am capable of living and functioning like a normal person, but that doesn't change the distressing mess that occurs inside of my brain. So, in reality - the times when I'm "recovered"? I'm actually just well enough to hide what's going on beneath the surface. That in itself has been really difficult to come to terms with. Life has been very challenging over the years and the past significantly dictates how I am currently living in the present. My dysfunctional relationship with food, my incredibly poor body image, my crippling anxiety and need to feel safe, my constant need for affirmation and reassurance, the inability to rest and just be. Next is some really hard h...

First placement ended a couple of weeks back. Along with it came two assignment deadlines and an exam coupled with a giant lump of pure exhaustion and a vomiting bug. Looking back over my first placement, there were some absolutely fantastic memories - I never thought I would love stroke quite as much as I did, but the highlight definitely came on my final shift. For 8 weeks, I attended every acute stroke call that occurred on my shifts in the hope of seeing a specialist procedure called thrombolysis. A few years ago, almost everyone who had a stroke was thrombolysed, but as research has continued it's use has become more limited because it has significant risk factors and contraindications. By the final week of placement I had essentially given up on seeing the procedure...but I lost hope too soon! I arrived early for my final shift of this block to hear that a patient was in CT having had an acute deterioration overnight - probably a stroke. The patient had been assessed with...

My very first day of placement was actually not that memorable. I felt like I spent most of the day wandering around after others, repeatedly reminding people that I'm a first year, first placement student and I spent a significant amount of time avoiding answering the phone that was incessantly ringing! Probably the key thing that I'd reflect on now, is that in handover, nobody actually introduced themself, showed me around or explained what the hell was expected of me. Everyone was friendly enough though and I hadn't forgotten how to talk to patients so things were okay! Upon leaving, everyone said that the second day would be better and they were right! The second day became a day of many firsts. My first drug round, changing a dressing alone for the first time, writing in patients notes for the first time, answering the phone with the phrase "X ward, Student Nurse Laura speaking" for the first of many many times! I felt I really found my feet and got on well...

Following induction, I embarked on 3 weeks of intense clinical skills to prepare us for going on the wards and it was quite frankly, the most intense three weeks in my recent memory (hence the lack of posts!). Rather than dissipating, the overwhelmed feeling I spoke of in my last post grew and grew and grew. However, I equally need to remember that I love what I am doing and I am good at it (no matter what my brain says sometimes). The main things I took away from the three weeks were that my basic clinical skills are actually pretty good. I can talk to patients, I'm confident with a variety of personal care, I can take manual observations without really having to think about the process, my basic life support skills are pretty darn good. It's some of the more academic things that are proving a tad more tricksy. My anatomy and physiology knowledge leaves a lot to be desired...I know a lot and can reel of various facts and phrases but I don't actually really understand it...

A fortnight of induction is over. And I'm sat here on a Saturday morning, surrounded by paperwork, books and a wealth of online resources feeling slightly more than a tad overwhelmed. I want to be a good student. I want to be the best nurse I can possibly be. I want to read everything and do everything and be everything and know everything. Right this second. But I can't. It's a 3 year degree with a lifetime's worth of CPD for a reason. I will never know it all. It's been a fairly bitty week; admin, learning how to reference and reflect, meeting my personal tutor, and generally preparing for placement, including occupational health. I have been passed as fit for placement without any doubt or questions from my wonderful occupational health nurse. She said I look and sound like a different person to when she last saw me.This was a massive confidence boost and has reminded me that I am doing okay - I am still anxious and low at times but I am okay. I am coping and m...

So, I'm going back to work on Thursday. I am both petrified and excited. I miss my colleagues and I miss patients. Equally though, I am still very much stuck with the delights of anxiety and depression. Deciding to go back is a bit of an odd decision because I'm really having to trust that I'm not doing it alone, I'm doing it with the support of friends, family, my GP and ultimately my faith in Jesus. Realistically, it could take months for me to get back to my normal self and I need to continue with normal life as much as possible in the meantime. There's no point getting three months down the line and being anxiety free but purely because I'm avoiding all of the situations that make me anxious. In my mission to manage my anxiety rather than just wish it was gone, I spent yesterday joining a gym and starting to get on top of my to do list. Feeling overwhelmed by life is a huge trigger for my anxiety so having an outlet is good, as is stopping avoiding the t...

At the beginning of the year, I posted about a shift on another ward and how I was so relieved to return to my own ward, how I felt out of my comfort zone, how the grass isn't always greener elsewhere! However, in the past fortnight I have worked two shifts on a different ward to my usual and have LOVED it. So what was different? Firstly, people introduced themselves. It seems so simple - but knowing peoples names makes you feel part of the team. I honestly think it should be compulsory for all healthcare workers to wear a visible name badge. If it's hard as a member of staff in a strange environment, I cannot imagine how daunting it must be for patients, particularly when then staff change from shift to shift. Secondly, back in January, I was very much in a honeymoon period regarding my job. My enthusiasm was boundless and I thought my ward was faultless. 9 months down the line and I have matured in my role and also come to the realisation that no ward is perfect - we a...

At 22, I have seen more dead or dying people in the past month than most people see in a life time.    Don't get me wrong...I love patient care and I even love end of life care, but I am tired. So very tired. I am tired of being short staffed, I am tired of feeling inadequate, I am tired of trying my hardest and still feeling like it's not good enough. It scares me that at 22 I am tired, yet I'm hopefully dedicating the rest of my life to healthcare. I think work has become the outlet of my stress right now. Work feels like the one big thing in my life that is stressful and unbearable. However, I think the more likely scenario is that I'm bottling up lots of little stressors which means my resilience for tough stuff at work is zilch. I don't remember the last shift I made it through without crying before, during or after.  I love my job. I know I love my job. So what else has gone wrong that means work is so hard right now? Physically, I have been on and off ...

This post initially featured on Britain's Nurses for STNBC : Just another pondering from my recent experience at the other end of the stethoscope. A couple of times a day there are the drug rounds: morning, lunch, dinner, bedtime or thereabouts. The nurses go from patient to patient dishing out the drugs that have been prescribed for that time. A system I'm sure works well, most of the time, or at least some of the time. However, what about the patients with multiple long term conditions, those with polypharmacy and a set routine at home? I am great at managing my medication (when I'm not being stubborn), I have a multi-coloured dosette box that I fill at the beginning of the week. It's great. I can identify each of my medications just by looking at it, tell you what I take it for, the dosage, and when it should be taken. So shouldn't we be giving expert patients more autonomy over their "usual" medications even when they're an inpatient...

Recently, I was unfortunately poorly enough to see life from the other end of the hospital bed. I was poorly with sepsis but due to my pre-existing condition (POTS) I was automatically a "falls risk". POTS means I am more prone to fainting than your average 22 year old, even more so when I'm poorly. However, being categorised as a falls risk would possibly have been hugely detrimental to my recovery had I not been very well educated abut autonomic dysfunction and how quickly I would become deconditioned. During my 8 days on the ward, I had plenty of time to mull over attitudes to inpatient falls. Where I work falls are seen as a very bad thing . Our morning meeting involves a reminder of how many days since our last fall and how many we've had that month. As HCA's we've had various training sessions on falls prevention and are given frequent reminders to declutter bed spaces and make sure we're doing all we can to prevent falls. We often have bays where ...

I initially wrote this blog post for STNBC and Britain's Nurses...you can view it on their site with a clicky here . Recently, I had one of those shifts where I got glimpses of my future as a student and then a staff nurse...a shift where I fulfilled my role as an HCA but also caught glimpses of my future roles. I was working with some of my favourite nurses - it was a busy day, but in a nice way that made the shift pass. These nurses are my favourites because they're my friends, however they're also my favourites because they can see my potential and treat me with respect - not just as their skivvy. On this day, I helped with washes, filled in food charts, assisted patients to mobilise, made trips to pharmacy and pathology. But I also got to help with catheterisation, to place an NG tube, to change a dressing. I did nothing above my role but just getting to experience these procedures - to lend a simple hand holding a leg, holding the patients hand and reassuring - I...

"The biggest problem I have is learning to listen to what my body's telling me and making the appropriate decision and acting upon it." - Oli Lewington Recently, I lost the balance quite spectacularly. I've been feeling relatively healthy - all things are relative when it comes to chronic illness. So I let things slip - I became a little less vigilant with medications, a little less strict with rest days, I did a little more living and a lot less illness management. For weeks now, I've known I'm in trouble. I've been totally exhausted but scared to stop in case it all fell apart. Turns out...eventually you'll be forced to stop. And when the decision was made to be signed off sick, I have never felt so relieved and gutted in equal parts. I hate being sick. I like being busy. I hate resting, I hate taking medication, I hate so much about having a chronic illness. However, a few days of true rest and I'm getting there. Coming back to the und...

This week has been incredibly hectic at work. One of the nurses was telling me that it's the same every year - in January everyone is much sicker. Working on an acute surgical ward - our patients are often sick, but this week it's emergency buzzer after emergency buzzer and the majority of them have been genuine. The critical care outreach team and ITU registrar might as well permanently move in they've been up to us so much. So after a busy and stressful week, on my final shift before a run of annual leave I got sent to support another ward who were short staffed. Now, I present myself as confident and self assured. The reality? I think I am crap at my job, I'm kind of just waiting for this bubble to burst and Matron to sack me. Now I *know* that's not the truth, because my colleagues tell me otherwise but it's how I feel. I am however, becoming more confident. I am comfortable in my own environment, I know the routine, the little jobs I can occupy myself w...

My first two shifts of 2014 have been challenging. Same story that is repeated in hospitals all over the country, not enough staff, too many patients. I like to give my best to my patients and it makes me frustrated when I can't do that. It's the "little things" that get missed when we're busy - the aqueous cream on someone's dry feet, the shower over a wash, the hair wash and French plait for a woman who normally takes great pride in her looks - the things that aren't "necessary" but make a patient feel good! In the past 2 days I changed incontinent patients 12 times (and that's just the bedbound ones...), I am bruised from where a scared patient grabbed my hand and arm so tightly, I didn't do lots of my HCA jobs - stuff like checking the sharps bins aren't full - because there just wasn't time. Yesterday, I didn't pee for my entire shift and came home incredibly dehydrated - because there just wasn't time....