Steady My Heart.

This post initially featured on Britain's Nurses for STNBC : Just another pondering from my recent experience at the other end of the stethoscope. A couple of times a day there are the drug rounds: morning, lunch, dinner, bedtime or thereabouts. The nurses go from patient to patient dishing out the drugs that have been prescribed for that time. A system I'm sure works well, most of the time, or at least some of the time. However, what about the patients with multiple long term conditions, those with polypharmacy and a set routine at home? I am great at managing my medication (when I'm not being stubborn), I have a multi-coloured dosette box that I fill at the beginning of the week. It's great. I can identify each of my medications just by looking at it, tell you what I take it for, the dosage, and when it should be taken. So shouldn't we be giving expert patients more autonomy over their "usual" medications even when they're an inpatient...

Tonight, Si Larkin preached at St Peter's - it's the first time I've heard him preach and it hit me hard. It made me reflect on similar preaches I've heard in the past and equally, how it applies to my life today. Who am I? I am Laura, a 22 year old healthcare assistant - soon to be a student nurse. I am fat. I love babies, singing and naps. I have autonomic dysfunction. I am a burden and a failure. I am a daughter, a cousin, a grandaughter, a sister, a friend and a colleague. I am a volunteer. I am ugly. I have yucky feet. I am flabby. I have stretchmarks. I am too tall. I bite my nails. I am short sighted. Some of that is factual, some of it is my opinion of myself but what does the Bible say about my identity? "Therefore, since I have been justified through faith, I have peace with God through my Lord Jesus Christ, through whom I have gained access by faith into this grace in which I now stand. And I rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." - T...

This week has been incredibly hectic at work. One of the nurses was telling me that it's the same every year - in January everyone is much sicker. Working on an acute surgical ward - our patients are often sick, but this week it's emergency buzzer after emergency buzzer and the majority of them have been genuine. The critical care outreach team and ITU registrar might as well permanently move in they've been up to us so much. So after a busy and stressful week, on my final shift before a run of annual leave I got sent to support another ward who were short staffed. Now, I present myself as confident and self assured. The reality? I think I am crap at my job, I'm kind of just waiting for this bubble to burst and Matron to sack me. Now I *know* that's not the truth, because my colleagues tell me otherwise but it's how I feel. I am however, becoming more confident. I am comfortable in my own environment, I know the routine, the little jobs I can occupy myself w...

This week marks a month in the new job as well as the arrival of another group of freshers. I cannot believe it's been 3 years since moving to Brighton. My time here has been some of the worst and some of the best of my life. Even this year has had some crap yet such progress too. Looking back, I am so glad I started teaching - it's what brought me to Brighton and this is my home now. I love it here, I feel truly settled, I have a great house, church, friends. However, there are absolutely no regrets in having given it up. I'd grown up always believing I'd be a teacher yet at the same time loved all things medical...documentaries, dramas, news stories. I was so curious and interested yet never considered it as a career path. After just a month on the ward I feel so at home - of course, I'm still learning, there are days where I arrive and just feel totally out of my depth but for the most part; I love my job - even the 5:30 starts don't feel like a chore just ...

  "This is my prayer in my hunger and need, my God is a God who provides...all of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" I realise that this blog has become more and more faith based as time goes on - I hope that is a reflection of my daily life. I hope people look at me and see even just a glimpse of Jesus. I began this blog to be therapeutic, it's a way of ordering my thoughts when life gets a bit messy or busy - but also a place to celebrate the good times. 18 months on and I'm nearing nearly 10,000 reads. I'm not particularly fussed about the number, this blog's main purpose is as a space for me to write, yet I am so humbled that people from all over the world read what I write and many come back to read multiple posts. So thank you, I love blogging - and there's something therapeutic about knowing I'm not alone, that people are going through life with me, even from afar. Today's...

It's been a long time coming, but here is part two of the course I've been attending with the Brighton ACT ladies. My blog on the first part of the course can be found here . This second session was quite reflective, involving us looking at our own lives and our own weaknesses. I guess that's why I've postponed writing it - it wasn't necessarily always comfortable and in some ways left me feeling weirdly vulnerable. It's nice to revisit it with a bit of distance now. We began the session thinking of a time when we had felt helpless or out of control and how this made us feel or react. I am not good at being out of control and not knowing the outcome of situations. I find it immensely stressful, become overwhelmed, panicked, frustrated and lose perspective. I tend to withdraw, become quite tearful and depression rears its ugly head. However, you cannot stay in a crisis forever and for me, that's often where my friends intervene and help out. Fr...

Flashback 3 years: Easter Sunday 2010  Easter Sunday 2010 was my baptism. I don't remember that many details from the day but I do remember the verse I was given and the song that we sung as I came up from the water... Romans 8:38-39 "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." I chose this song because it was one that had really touched me during that year. Things had been difficult, I was working really hard to recover from an eating disorder, my parents were in the process of getting divorced, I was studying for my A2's, there was lots of uncertainty about the future and this song...

This week has been tough in parts. It's been long and exhausting and I am still feeling pretty ill at times. There are positives though and I've accepted that there are going to be some lows. My heart rate is a lot more settled. 93bpm as an average for the day isn't bad given how active I'd been but I'm still having runs of intense tachycardia and it's exhausting. I'm seeing my GP in the morning and I'm really going to try and be assertive. I need some constructive planning to happen. I fell down the stairs this week, whether or not it was directly correlated to heart stuff or not, my balance is off. Hard going at times. Sometimes it feels like one thing after another. I've been pushing myself this week in lots of good ways - I've started to leave the house alone again, I've pretty much finished my housing benefit form, I've sent the relevant emails about officially withdrawing from Uni., I've written my personal statement and n...

So, I've mentioned in the past that I belong to Brighton ACT Group and have a heart for seeing those trapped in slavery set free. As a group recently we have embarked on a 4 part course called "Caring for the Broken-hearted" and after the first session the other day...I'm excited! The course itself is being run by a wonderful lady called Wendy Young, who is part of the ministry team at Off The Fence . The course we're on is training us and developing our ability to care for and serve women who are suffering life controlling issues and those who are in crisis. The first session we spent a lot of time talking about women who work in prostitution and as an ACT group we know that sex trafficking for prostitution is a huge problem both nationally and globally. Plus, the overwhelming majority of those trafficked are women (around 80%) and therefore this course is something we feel really called to. Although STOPTHETRAFFIK is not a religious organisation all members o...

This Christmas I'll be having a fat-free Christmas. For the past few years Christmas has involved panicking about food. This year I'll be avoiding the word fat over the Christmas period. The word fat for me contains so much more than just weight...it's about feeling lazy, unloved, unworthy. It's not productive or enjoyable to spend Christmas yelling abuse at myself so this year, I will be trying my hardest to avoid "feeling fat". Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the thoughts will creep in, most days I think about being fat but for the next week or so I'm going to enjoy food, in moderation without binging, purging or restricting and it is going to be wonderful. Just a year ago I couldn't have said this, or even considered it privately but I feel that I have made SO much progress in the past year. And as much as I hate to admit it, getting properly "fat" was part of that process. It's taking me a long long time to get the weight back ...

Apologies, this is going to be completely ineloquent (is that even a word?!) but it's gone midnight, I'm watching Love Actually so I'm somewhat distracted by the lovely Colin Firth! Yesterday, I had a rubbish day. Today I decided to stay in bed to avoid a repeat of yesterday's crap day. Productive? No. But hey, I was tired and my plans got cancelled so I spent most of the day curled up under my duvet watching catch up TV. It was pleasantly interrupted by lunchtime, where Vicky and I decided to have enchiladas and dance around to Christmas music. Followed by a nap. I don't know why but I've been feeling pretty miserable the past couple of days, various stressful things have happened and I just feel tearful and yucky. So when it came to decision about whether to get up and go to Team Night tonight I umm-ed and ahh-ed for a while before deciding I probably should go. And I am SO glad I went. It was Christmas/advent themed. Liz gave a fantastic talk on light an...

Mother Teresa sums it up pretty well. Loneliness and feeling unloved is horrible, it can make feel desperate and worthless. For many months I have left each and every church event feeling lonely and unloved. Two weeks ago, I finally decided to make a change. 2 and a half years ago I moved to Brighton. I tried one church, got scared of making a decision and then went to CCK. My reasons were...the awesome worship and the free bus from campus. Not necessarily bad things to base the decision on, but also not everything I needed to consider. 2 and a half years later, after much encouragement from friends I've found it in me to try and find a new church, one were I feel loved, accepted and like I belong. Don't get me wrong, I know many many people who love CCK and feel a part of their mission but it's not where I am right now. The preaching is great - Joel Virgo is fantastic. The worship, the atmosphere, it's all fine. I just never really settled though, I feel incredibly...

I hated church today.  That's probably a bad thing to say but it's the truth. I didn't want to go, I knew the preach topic and it's one I find difficult. Everything in me wanted to stay at home in bed, I was bargaining with God right from when I left work. "If the bus home is still there, I'll go", it was running 2 minutes late so I caught it easily. "If there's a sensible bus to church, I'll go", there was one that'd get me there with time to spare. I misplaced my keys and my water bottle emptied in my bag..."if I still manage to make that bus then I'll go", I made the bus. Don't bargain with God, He'll win. I didn't want to hear another preach on healing and incidentally I had a shooting pain under my left clavicle every time I inhaled today but the fact I didn't want to hear it made me go and listen. It's often the things that we need to hear most that we really don't want to. Plus, after posti...

This weekend marks two years since I flew the nest and came to Uni. My middle sister is now following suit but headed for a different city and a different course. I've been reading over old journals again recently and feeling pretty nostalgic and I guess a little sad. Freshers is meant to be a time of trying out new activities, getting drunk making new friends and generally just "loving life". Now, don't get me wrong...I did do some of this; First night drinks Myself and Beth (housemate) Freebies at Freshers Fair Amelia, Beth, myself, Laura     Foam party UV rave But I also did a fair amount of crying, weighing myself, hiding in my room and wishing the whole world would swallow me up. Things were so different back then. I miss being slim so so much. I cannot believe I wasted hours of my time standing on the scales berating myself for being fat, and look at me now, gone completely the other way. I am trying to address the weight I'...

Say hello to some of this years student leaders... I return from some time away with CCK student leaders feeling completely exhausted but glad to have been a part of it. We spent our time getting to know each other, getting to know our mission better and getting to know Jesus on a deeper level. Lots of worship, prayer, fun and games and not very much sleep! I so didn't want to be there, I don't feel worthy of being a leader, I don't feel like I belong at CCK, that I have friends, that anyone cares about me, there are cliques of which I belong to none. I feel like the other leaders look at me, judge me and think I've just screwed up too much. CCK can be very lonely at times, being in a big church and feeling like no-one knows your name is horrible. However, I was invited and a couple of people really encouraged me to go, so I did. And what did we spend a lot of time focussing on? CCK has cliques that need combating AND no-one has gone too far from God/sinned so ...

Today I was reunited with my lovely Pippa...it's great being in a new house with great new house mates but I miss having Pippa so close. We had lots to catch up on and we did so over pizza, salad and a free pudding as the waiter liked us! During our conversation Pippa said something which really struck me: "It's nice to see you smiling and looking so happy" Pippa saw me go through some really tough stuff over the past year and I value her opinion of me. She's visited me in hospital, she's held me while I've cried, she's made me cook proper food, have showers and get out of the house when all I want to do is curl up in a ball. Looking back I even love her for the times she practically dragged me to church only for me to walk out/cry in a heap during worship. So for her to say I'm looking happy meant a lot. And it's true, I am happy. And the best bit? For the first time in four years this is not a medicated happy. For the first time in ...