Steady My Heart.

Well, this is a fairly painful post to write... In the process of beginning my degree I have unfortunately completely and entirely lost the grip I once had on my eating disorder. Things had been wobbly since last August and I thought things were improving. Turns out, I've just completely lost perspective, unfortunate but at least now I know. This week, I've had to accept that right now although I am a healthy weight? I am well and truly back in the grips of restriction and self hatred psychologically. It just so happens that I'm not underweight...yet. I am so incredibly tired of living with an eating disorder. I long for it to be gone from my life, but the prospect of actually recovering is so utterly petrifying. I have recovered previously and know the joy of freedom around food, but right now that feels so distant and impossible. Every meal is filled with anxiety, and the voice screaming in my head that I am morbidly obese, that I am ugly, that nobody could ever love ...

When I visit Rich and Ruth, I've been along to All Saints Worcester with them to their evening gathering and recently Rich has suggested I listen to a couple of the talks Rich Johnson has done on disappointment...so far I've only listened to the first one...but maybe I 'll write on the others too! The reading came from Psalm 42:1-11 and you can listen to the full talk here . Disappointment is a constant feature in life, each and every one of us will repeatedly experience it yet, we are not great at talking about it or dealing with it. Dealing with disappointment well will allow us to grow - however, if we we don't deal with it? It will hinder and trap us. For me, life has held a fair amount of disappointment in the past few years...I was diagnosed with a life altering condition, I had to leave my degree, I've had countless hospital admissions, houses haven't turned out as I planned, family and friends have been ill and at times, life has quite f...