Steady My Heart.

Today, I stood in a supermarket and cried. I walked the aisles of my Sainsbury's Local for nearly an hour before choosing some food for dinner. I thought those days were behind me. It was a sharp reminder that recovery is not linear and that no matter how good things are? Recovery is fragile. It takes effort and perseverance. I wouldn't say I've relapsed - far from it. I'm acutely aware that I have let things slip and I'm aware of what I need to do to keep on top of it. It's just hard work to actually put that into practice. So what do you do, when you're stood in Sainsbury's crying? You get your head down and get on with the task in hand. Food is not an optional extra in life, it is a necessity and if I let it be...an enjoyable one. Eventually, I put some worship music on and purchased something I would actually find tasty. Tonight...sweet chilli and lime chicken salad with salt and pepper croutons. Part of my current problem is that I'm loo...

I am a comfort eater. I find it hard to admit - but actually most people's attitude to food changes in relation to stress - some under eat, others like me - comfort eat. And as much as I wish I lost my appetite when stressed, I just don't. So at 22:43 I am sat here writing about being stressed, eating hazelnut chocolate spread from the jar. I kind of bargained with myself - if I did something constructive like blogging, then it wasn't so bad to comfort eat because y'know - at least I'd actually be processing some of the stress. So why am I stressed? I still haven't got an official start date for my new job. The hope is that I will start this coming Monday, but it's looking less and less likely as the days go on. Tomorrow I am seeing Occy Health again and will the proceed to bombard HR with phone calls until I know what's going on. I am so ready to start and financially I cannot cope any more. I can barely afford food - thus making comfort eating co...

This evening I had a blip. And it's left me feeling like a ginormous fat blimp. More so than usual. Ironically, the cause of the blip? Receiving a letter suggesting that I am still currently diagnosed with bulimia nervosa. Now, I know I'm not. My own GP knows I'm not. The mental health team that discharged me as "recovered" know I'm not. I am recovered. I had an eating disorder, in the past. It is not current. I still struggle with confidence and body image. I still feel I am fat. Some days I still struggle with "normal". But I do not spend my life restricting, binging, purging, exercising and taking laxatives. I am recovered and I am immensely proud of the effort I put into that recovery. I'm angry that such a petty thing has knocked me. It came from a letter full of errors. It is an error. I do not still have bulimia. I think I'm also angry at myself for the shame and embarrassment I feel. I was always embarrassed of the bulimia ...

Watching "Don't Call Me Crazy" this week was incredibly close to home. I was never an inpatient, but I've had friends who have been as well as my fair share of involvement with the mental health system. For many years now I've had friends with eating disorders and likewise for many years, I was very entrenched in my own eating disorder and depression. Recently, I've begun to realise just how 'recovered' I am. I don't think an eating disorder ever truly goes away and I am certain the pain it once caused is never forgotten. I am however, now able to live a virtually 'normal' life and recovery means I can enjoy so many things that I'd once lost. It's always good to reflect on how far you've come...and maybe I can give my friend's hope too. 10 things recovery gave me: Covent garden soup with bread and butter - none of this watery cuppa soup and rice cakes A genuine smile in front of the camera    Napping because I wan...

Flashback 3 years: Easter Sunday 2010  Easter Sunday 2010 was my baptism. I don't remember that many details from the day but I do remember the verse I was given and the song that we sung as I came up from the water... Romans 8:38-39 "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." I chose this song because it was one that had really touched me during that year. Things had been difficult, I was working really hard to recover from an eating disorder, my parents were in the process of getting divorced, I was studying for my A2's, there was lots of uncertainty about the future and this song...

This Christmas I'll be having a fat-free Christmas. For the past few years Christmas has involved panicking about food. This year I'll be avoiding the word fat over the Christmas period. The word fat for me contains so much more than just weight...it's about feeling lazy, unloved, unworthy. It's not productive or enjoyable to spend Christmas yelling abuse at myself so this year, I will be trying my hardest to avoid "feeling fat". Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the thoughts will creep in, most days I think about being fat but for the next week or so I'm going to enjoy food, in moderation without binging, purging or restricting and it is going to be wonderful. Just a year ago I couldn't have said this, or even considered it privately but I feel that I have made SO much progress in the past year. And as much as I hate to admit it, getting properly "fat" was part of that process. It's taking me a long long time to get the weight back ...