Steady My Heart.

"On your knees you look up Decide you've had enough You get mad, you get strong Wipe your hands, shake it off Then you stand, yeah, then you stand Every time you get up And get back in the race One more small piece of you Starts to fall into place, yeah Cause when push comes to shove You taste what you're made of You might bend til you break Cause it's all you can take" A year ago today, I was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (PoTS) and it was a huge relief. Yep, you read the right...being diagnosed with a chronic, life-changing illness and I felt relieved . For a long time prior to my diagnosis I had suffered with collapses of unknown cause, and more recently in the year leading up to my diagnosis it was suggested that I was suffering from psychogenic seizures. Now, psuedo- or psychogenic seizures are a real phenomenon, they're not just someone "faking". However, I knew that this was not the answer to wha...

This Christmas I'll be having a fat-free Christmas. For the past few years Christmas has involved panicking about food. This year I'll be avoiding the word fat over the Christmas period. The word fat for me contains so much more than just weight...it's about feeling lazy, unloved, unworthy. It's not productive or enjoyable to spend Christmas yelling abuse at myself so this year, I will be trying my hardest to avoid "feeling fat". Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the thoughts will creep in, most days I think about being fat but for the next week or so I'm going to enjoy food, in moderation without binging, purging or restricting and it is going to be wonderful. Just a year ago I couldn't have said this, or even considered it privately but I feel that I have made SO much progress in the past year. And as much as I hate to admit it, getting properly "fat" was part of that process. It's taking me a long long time to get the weight back ...

Apologies, this is going to be completely ineloquent (is that even a word?!) but it's gone midnight, I'm watching Love Actually so I'm somewhat distracted by the lovely Colin Firth! Yesterday, I had a rubbish day. Today I decided to stay in bed to avoid a repeat of yesterday's crap day. Productive? No. But hey, I was tired and my plans got cancelled so I spent most of the day curled up under my duvet watching catch up TV. It was pleasantly interrupted by lunchtime, where Vicky and I decided to have enchiladas and dance around to Christmas music. Followed by a nap. I don't know why but I've been feeling pretty miserable the past couple of days, various stressful things have happened and I just feel tearful and yucky. So when it came to decision about whether to get up and go to Team Night tonight I umm-ed and ahh-ed for a while before deciding I probably should go. And I am SO glad I went. It was Christmas/advent themed. Liz gave a fantastic talk on light an...

I didn't want to go. I spent most of Friday evening telling myself that I was not wanted, that I'd only been invited out of politeness, that I hadn't lost enough weight since the summer, that I'd feel on the edges and that actually I should really just stay home. But I'd spent £30+ on my train ticket, I was damn well going! And it was great. In fact, more than great. It was one of the highlights of my year. Happy Laura right here. Bright and early Saturday morning I hopped on a train to be reunited with Team Foxtrot . We arrived, had a spot of lunch and generally spent time chatting, catching up and eating cake...the 3 second rule over the comfy chairs felt like we were back at base! Once everyone had arrived, and Reg had survived a journey with 3 boys who were inevitably plotting his downfall...we headed over to Blaise castle and grounds for a walk as the sun went down. It was BEAUTIFUL and far milder than we anticipated! Some members of the team, ...

Just before I begin, this post has been written with the permission of the friend concerned and seen by her before going public. November 2005 changed my life. I will never forget the events of that month and the ones to follow. I still get pretty emotional at this time of year, I guess I grieve for what I feel I lost, I grieve for what my then best friend lost, I feel sad about the entire situation. This is by no means a 100% accurate blow-by-blow account, nor is it everything I remember/feel, it's some snippets of the memories of a traumatic event in some 13 year old lives. Things blur and become distorted with time and the hurt, sadness and anger lessens, but it is never forgotten. For me, it started with a phone call, followed by a long night waiting in the house for news on whether or not Ellie's mum had been found. We had been in the same friendship group at school for a year or so and had become extremely close in the months prior to her Mum's disappearance. Sh...

This weekend marks two years since I flew the nest and came to Uni. My middle sister is now following suit but headed for a different city and a different course. I've been reading over old journals again recently and feeling pretty nostalgic and I guess a little sad. Freshers is meant to be a time of trying out new activities, getting drunk making new friends and generally just "loving life". Now, don't get me wrong...I did do some of this; First night drinks Myself and Beth (housemate) Freebies at Freshers Fair Amelia, Beth, myself, Laura     Foam party UV rave But I also did a fair amount of crying, weighing myself, hiding in my room and wishing the whole world would swallow me up. Things were so different back then. I miss being slim so so much. I cannot believe I wasted hours of my time standing on the scales berating myself for being fat, and look at me now, gone completely the other way. I am trying to address the weight I'...

Say hello to some of this years student leaders... I return from some time away with CCK student leaders feeling completely exhausted but glad to have been a part of it. We spent our time getting to know each other, getting to know our mission better and getting to know Jesus on a deeper level. Lots of worship, prayer, fun and games and not very much sleep! I so didn't want to be there, I don't feel worthy of being a leader, I don't feel like I belong at CCK, that I have friends, that anyone cares about me, there are cliques of which I belong to none. I feel like the other leaders look at me, judge me and think I've just screwed up too much. CCK can be very lonely at times, being in a big church and feeling like no-one knows your name is horrible. However, I was invited and a couple of people really encouraged me to go, so I did. And what did we spend a lot of time focussing on? CCK has cliques that need combating AND no-one has gone too far from God/sinned so ...

Today I was reunited with my lovely Pippa...it's great being in a new house with great new house mates but I miss having Pippa so close. We had lots to catch up on and we did so over pizza, salad and a free pudding as the waiter liked us! During our conversation Pippa said something which really struck me: "It's nice to see you smiling and looking so happy" Pippa saw me go through some really tough stuff over the past year and I value her opinion of me. She's visited me in hospital, she's held me while I've cried, she's made me cook proper food, have showers and get out of the house when all I want to do is curl up in a ball. Looking back I even love her for the times she practically dragged me to church only for me to walk out/cry in a heap during worship. So for her to say I'm looking happy meant a lot. And it's true, I am happy. And the best bit? For the first time in four years this is not a medicated happy. For the first time in ...