Steady My Heart.

So my last post ended, what next? And the past month has revealed an answer to that. Since starting University (again...) in September, I've been in therapy trying to address some of the issues that keep me stuck in a cycle of  recovery and relapse with my mental health. The thing is...I am capable of living and functioning like a normal person, but that doesn't change the distressing mess that occurs inside of my brain. So, in reality - the times when I'm "recovered"? I'm actually just well enough to hide what's going on beneath the surface. That in itself has been really difficult to come to terms with. Life has been very challenging over the years and the past significantly dictates how I am currently living in the present. My dysfunctional relationship with food, my incredibly poor body image, my crippling anxiety and need to feel safe, my constant need for affirmation and reassurance, the inability to rest and just be. Next is some really hard h...

First placement ended a couple of weeks back. Along with it came two assignment deadlines and an exam coupled with a giant lump of pure exhaustion and a vomiting bug. Looking back over my first placement, there were some absolutely fantastic memories - I never thought I would love stroke quite as much as I did, but the highlight definitely came on my final shift. For 8 weeks, I attended every acute stroke call that occurred on my shifts in the hope of seeing a specialist procedure called thrombolysis. A few years ago, almost everyone who had a stroke was thrombolysed, but as research has continued it's use has become more limited because it has significant risk factors and contraindications. By the final week of placement I had essentially given up on seeing the procedure...but I lost hope too soon! I arrived early for my final shift of this block to hear that a patient was in CT having had an acute deterioration overnight - probably a stroke. The patient had been assessed with...

My very first day of placement was actually not that memorable. I felt like I spent most of the day wandering around after others, repeatedly reminding people that I'm a first year, first placement student and I spent a significant amount of time avoiding answering the phone that was incessantly ringing! Probably the key thing that I'd reflect on now, is that in handover, nobody actually introduced themself, showed me around or explained what the hell was expected of me. Everyone was friendly enough though and I hadn't forgotten how to talk to patients so things were okay! Upon leaving, everyone said that the second day would be better and they were right! The second day became a day of many firsts. My first drug round, changing a dressing alone for the first time, writing in patients notes for the first time, answering the phone with the phrase "X ward, Student Nurse Laura speaking" for the first of many many times! I felt I really found my feet and got on well...

Following induction, I embarked on 3 weeks of intense clinical skills to prepare us for going on the wards and it was quite frankly, the most intense three weeks in my recent memory (hence the lack of posts!). Rather than dissipating, the overwhelmed feeling I spoke of in my last post grew and grew and grew. However, I equally need to remember that I love what I am doing and I am good at it (no matter what my brain says sometimes). The main things I took away from the three weeks were that my basic clinical skills are actually pretty good. I can talk to patients, I'm confident with a variety of personal care, I can take manual observations without really having to think about the process, my basic life support skills are pretty darn good. It's some of the more academic things that are proving a tad more tricksy. My anatomy and physiology knowledge leaves a lot to be desired...I know a lot and can reel of various facts and phrases but I don't actually really understand it...

A fortnight of induction is over. And I'm sat here on a Saturday morning, surrounded by paperwork, books and a wealth of online resources feeling slightly more than a tad overwhelmed. I want to be a good student. I want to be the best nurse I can possibly be. I want to read everything and do everything and be everything and know everything. Right this second. But I can't. It's a 3 year degree with a lifetime's worth of CPD for a reason. I will never know it all. It's been a fairly bitty week; admin, learning how to reference and reflect, meeting my personal tutor, and generally preparing for placement, including occupational health. I have been passed as fit for placement without any doubt or questions from my wonderful occupational health nurse. She said I look and sound like a different person to when she last saw me.This was a massive confidence boost and has reminded me that I am doing okay - I am still anxious and low at times but I am okay. I am coping and m...