Steady My Heart.

So, I'm going back to work on Thursday. I am both petrified and excited. I miss my colleagues and I miss patients. Equally though, I am still very much stuck with the delights of anxiety and depression. Deciding to go back is a bit of an odd decision because I'm really having to trust that I'm not doing it alone, I'm doing it with the support of friends, family, my GP and ultimately my faith in Jesus. Realistically, it could take months for me to get back to my normal self and I need to continue with normal life as much as possible in the meantime. There's no point getting three months down the line and being anxiety free but purely because I'm avoiding all of the situations that make me anxious. In my mission to manage my anxiety rather than just wish it was gone, I spent yesterday joining a gym and starting to get on top of my to do list. Feeling overwhelmed by life is a huge trigger for my anxiety so having an outlet is good, as is stopping avoiding the t...

My first two shifts of 2014 have been challenging. Same story that is repeated in hospitals all over the country, not enough staff, too many patients. I like to give my best to my patients and it makes me frustrated when I can't do that. It's the "little things" that get missed when we're busy - the aqueous cream on someone's dry feet, the shower over a wash, the hair wash and French plait for a woman who normally takes great pride in her looks - the things that aren't "necessary" but make a patient feel good! In the past 2 days I changed incontinent patients 12 times (and that's just the bedbound ones...), I am bruised from where a scared patient grabbed my hand and arm so tightly, I didn't do lots of my HCA jobs - stuff like checking the sharps bins aren't full - because there just wasn't time. Yesterday, I didn't pee for my entire shift and came home incredibly dehydrated - because there just wasn't time....

This week marks a month in the new job as well as the arrival of another group of freshers. I cannot believe it's been 3 years since moving to Brighton. My time here has been some of the worst and some of the best of my life. Even this year has had some crap yet such progress too. Looking back, I am so glad I started teaching - it's what brought me to Brighton and this is my home now. I love it here, I feel truly settled, I have a great house, church, friends. However, there are absolutely no regrets in having given it up. I'd grown up always believing I'd be a teacher yet at the same time loved all things medical...documentaries, dramas, news stories. I was so curious and interested yet never considered it as a career path. After just a month on the ward I feel so at home - of course, I'm still learning, there are days where I arrive and just feel totally out of my depth but for the most part; I love my job - even the 5:30 starts don't feel like a chore just ...

I am tired. I love my new job but I am physically and emotionally drained and we're only a few weeks in. I think there are a few reasons behind my emotional tiredness: 1. Care work is inevitably emotional, I spend my shifts with poorly people - some who won't get fully better, some who will die, some who want to die. It's hard going, but I wouldn't want to be emotionless. How can I care for these people if I don't care about them? And it's not just the patients - there's the relatives too. I'm having to remind myself that it's important to leave work at work as much as possible. 2. There are a few people in my life right now who are struggling - be that a break up, an illness, an eating disorder. I love my friends and I care about them, it's privilege to support people but again - it's emotionally draining. Sometimes I want to just bang my head against the wall with frustration that I can't help enough. I constantly have to remind my...

Yup. I really said that. And unfortunately, there's digital evidence of it so I can't just pretend it never happened. And actually...it was a genuine thought at the time. I know that God has a plan for me. I know that His plans are for my good, that I have a future and it is wonderful. I know that I am loved and created by the most incredible Father. But do I always believe it? No. So, sitting in occupational health last week, having been double booked I was sure that God hated me, and that I was never ever going to start my new job. The wait to start has felt so long, the health hurdles, the financial hurdles. Everything has just felt so long winded and I was tired and worn. I had lost hope and trust. Yet, even in my doubt, Jesus has got me. Occupational health squeezed me in, the gave me the clearance I knew I already had, the promised to send the necessary emails. HR squeezed me onto this week's induction and I recieved my official startdate. Today. I star...

Getting a job is one long waiting game... You apply then wait to hear if you got to interview. You get an interview, you wait until interview day. You go to interview, they're running late, you wait. You leave your interview, you wait to hear if you were successful. And after all that? If you're successful? You wait for HR. You wait for occupational health. You wait for DBS. I am so ready to start! And yes, that means I got the job. I'm so excited. But impatient. So incredibly impatient. Working will be a huge challenge. It's going to push my body to it's limits. But I really just want to get stuck in and give it a go. I'm still in total shock at having got the job, it's a huge confidence boost to know that I am good enough. I am good enough. :-)

Last week at church we were talking about the borders we put up in our lives, the points of resistance that maybe we're not willing to let God touch yet. A big point of resistance for me at the moment is trusting God with my future. Over and over again I become overwhelmed by fear and worry. This has prompted me to look back over seminars and talks I've heard on the subject in the past and there's one in particular that came to mind - it was a talk at Momentum last year by Will Vanderhart called Overcoming Worry: real solutions to a persistent problem . It can be purchased here if you fancy listening to the actual talk. Now, I don't see myself as an actively anxious person, but I am someone who stresses about her future and tends to catastrophise and spend my time imagining worst case scenarios where I'm destitute, jobless, homeless and generally just not living out the life I thought I would. Anyway, I also find it helpful to refresh myself on what I've lea...