Steady My Heart.

Tonight, Si Larkin preached at St Peter's - it's the first time I've heard him preach and it hit me hard. It made me reflect on similar preaches I've heard in the past and equally, how it applies to my life today. Who am I? I am Laura, a 22 year old healthcare assistant - soon to be a student nurse. I am fat. I love babies, singing and naps. I have autonomic dysfunction. I am a burden and a failure. I am a daughter, a cousin, a grandaughter, a sister, a friend and a colleague. I am a volunteer. I am ugly. I have yucky feet. I am flabby. I have stretchmarks. I am too tall. I bite my nails. I am short sighted. Some of that is factual, some of it is my opinion of myself but what does the Bible say about my identity? "Therefore, since I have been justified through faith, I have peace with God through my Lord Jesus Christ, through whom I have gained access by faith into this grace in which I now stand. And I rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." - T...

Last week at church we were talking about the borders we put up in our lives, the points of resistance that maybe we're not willing to let God touch yet. A big point of resistance for me at the moment is trusting God with my future. Over and over again I become overwhelmed by fear and worry. This has prompted me to look back over seminars and talks I've heard on the subject in the past and there's one in particular that came to mind - it was a talk at Momentum last year by Will Vanderhart called Overcoming Worry: real solutions to a persistent problem . It can be purchased here if you fancy listening to the actual talk. Now, I don't see myself as an actively anxious person, but I am someone who stresses about her future and tends to catastrophise and spend my time imagining worst case scenarios where I'm destitute, jobless, homeless and generally just not living out the life I thought I would. Anyway, I also find it helpful to refresh myself on what I've lea...

  "This is my prayer in my hunger and need, my God is a God who provides...all of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" I realise that this blog has become more and more faith based as time goes on - I hope that is a reflection of my daily life. I hope people look at me and see even just a glimpse of Jesus. I began this blog to be therapeutic, it's a way of ordering my thoughts when life gets a bit messy or busy - but also a place to celebrate the good times. 18 months on and I'm nearing nearly 10,000 reads. I'm not particularly fussed about the number, this blog's main purpose is as a space for me to write, yet I am so humbled that people from all over the world read what I write and many come back to read multiple posts. So thank you, I love blogging - and there's something therapeutic about knowing I'm not alone, that people are going through life with me, even from afar. Today's...

I didn't go to church this week. I was tired, I didn't feel like it, I was busy, all manner of excuses - when in reality, I was feeling vulnerable and I didn't want my friends to see me like that. Instead of beating myself up for not going, I looked back over a recent preach by Alex Wood who is student pastor at St. Peter's. His talk really spoke to me yet I walked away from church that day and didn't really take what I'd learned into the new week. As such, it fits nicely into Monday Ministry over on Tania's blog . These are just my notes/my interpretation - if you want to hear the talk for yourself, it's a good'un and can be found here. Judges 7:1-7 is a passage of the Bible where God strips Gideon's army from around 32,000 men to just 300 and yet still promises him the victory. However, that victory is to be recognised as His strength, not the armies numbers! It is often when we are stripped right back that we see God's resurrection po...

Once again, there's another bump in the road, another twist in the tale. This might be a lengthy post and it'll be a mixture of an update plus a reflection on hope and a smidge of gushing about how blessed I still am. For those that don't know me in real life...I am ill once again. Not just a little bit ill, full blown couldn't stand up for a few days ill and as a consequence, my plans of being a teacher are over. Since the 2nd March my heart rate has been all over the place, I haven't been able to eat and for a few days I wasn't able to drink. I became very dehydrated and ended up in hospital. Whilst an inpatient I met one great doctor and one rubbish doctor. It's made me realise the the management of my POTS could be so much more effective if I was under a doctor who understood that it was part of a bigger illness that is affecting many parts of my body aside from my heart. So...the good doctor agrees that I have general autonomic dysfunction (d...

If any of you have seen me in the past week, to the point where we've had a meaningful conversation, you will realise that I am currently extremely stressed and anxious. I see occupational health this week and they get to give the big yes or no about me going back to Uni. Now, I *know* that I am ready to go back, I know it's not going to be easy but I will sure as hell give it my best shot. I can do this. I am willing to sacrifice paid work, I'm willing to drop all other commitments to ensure I get adequate rest, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to give my body what it needs to get through an intense placement. I'm under no illusion that going on placement will be easy. It's tough even when you're 100% well. But I know I can do it, I know I can be a good teacher. If my appt. this week goes to plan I will have the go ahead to go back to Uni. The only special request I have, which might make things easier, is that my placement is relatively close by as ti...

I hated church today.  That's probably a bad thing to say but it's the truth. I didn't want to go, I knew the preach topic and it's one I find difficult. Everything in me wanted to stay at home in bed, I was bargaining with God right from when I left work. "If the bus home is still there, I'll go", it was running 2 minutes late so I caught it easily. "If there's a sensible bus to church, I'll go", there was one that'd get me there with time to spare. I misplaced my keys and my water bottle emptied in my bag..."if I still manage to make that bus then I'll go", I made the bus. Don't bargain with God, He'll win. I didn't want to hear another preach on healing and incidentally I had a shooting pain under my left clavicle every time I inhaled today but the fact I didn't want to hear it made me go and listen. It's often the things that we need to hear most that we really don't want to. Plus, after posti...