Steady My Heart.

When I visit Rich and Ruth, I've been along to All Saints Worcester with them to their evening gathering and recently Rich has suggested I listen to a couple of the talks Rich Johnson has done on disappointment...so far I've only listened to the first one...but maybe I 'll write on the others too! The reading came from Psalm 42:1-11 and you can listen to the full talk here . Disappointment is a constant feature in life, each and every one of us will repeatedly experience it yet, we are not great at talking about it or dealing with it. Dealing with disappointment well will allow us to grow - however, if we we don't deal with it? It will hinder and trap us. For me, life has held a fair amount of disappointment in the past few years...I was diagnosed with a life altering condition, I had to leave my degree, I've had countless hospital admissions, houses haven't turned out as I planned, family and friends have been ill and at times, life has quite f...

As I write this, it is 04.29 on a Saturday morning and it's one of those morning's when I feel totally broken. Living with a chronic illness is harder than I ever imagined, if you add a mental health wobble into the mix? Well you end up, sat awake at 04.29 feeling both physically and emotionally broken. I feel incredibly distant in my faith right now and am finding it difficult to engage, but nonetheless I know that perseverance is key. I know Jesus is with me, even though right now I struggle to feel Him. The early hours of a Saturday morning seems as good a time as any to catch up on one of the preaches that's been sat in my bookmarks for my months than I like to admit! This particular talk was given by Jules Jacob and was entitled "How to deal with anxiety" . "The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life."  John 10:10 (NLT) The second part is what Jesus wants for my life but right no...

Tonight, Si Larkin preached at St Peter's - it's the first time I've heard him preach and it hit me hard. It made me reflect on similar preaches I've heard in the past and equally, how it applies to my life today. Who am I? I am Laura, a 22 year old healthcare assistant - soon to be a student nurse. I am fat. I love babies, singing and naps. I have autonomic dysfunction. I am a burden and a failure. I am a daughter, a cousin, a grandaughter, a sister, a friend and a colleague. I am a volunteer. I am ugly. I have yucky feet. I am flabby. I have stretchmarks. I am too tall. I bite my nails. I am short sighted. Some of that is factual, some of it is my opinion of myself but what does the Bible say about my identity? "Therefore, since I have been justified through faith, I have peace with God through my Lord Jesus Christ, through whom I have gained access by faith into this grace in which I now stand. And I rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." - T...

I am tired. I love my new job but I am physically and emotionally drained and we're only a few weeks in. I think there are a few reasons behind my emotional tiredness: 1. Care work is inevitably emotional, I spend my shifts with poorly people - some who won't get fully better, some who will die, some who want to die. It's hard going, but I wouldn't want to be emotionless. How can I care for these people if I don't care about them? And it's not just the patients - there's the relatives too. I'm having to remind myself that it's important to leave work at work as much as possible. 2. There are a few people in my life right now who are struggling - be that a break up, an illness, an eating disorder. I love my friends and I care about them, it's privilege to support people but again - it's emotionally draining. Sometimes I want to just bang my head against the wall with frustration that I can't help enough. I constantly have to remind my...

Last week at church we were talking about the borders we put up in our lives, the points of resistance that maybe we're not willing to let God touch yet. A big point of resistance for me at the moment is trusting God with my future. Over and over again I become overwhelmed by fear and worry. This has prompted me to look back over seminars and talks I've heard on the subject in the past and there's one in particular that came to mind - it was a talk at Momentum last year by Will Vanderhart called Overcoming Worry: real solutions to a persistent problem . It can be purchased here if you fancy listening to the actual talk. Now, I don't see myself as an actively anxious person, but I am someone who stresses about her future and tends to catastrophise and spend my time imagining worst case scenarios where I'm destitute, jobless, homeless and generally just not living out the life I thought I would. Anyway, I also find it helpful to refresh myself on what I've lea...

  "This is my prayer in my hunger and need, my God is a God who provides...all of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" I realise that this blog has become more and more faith based as time goes on - I hope that is a reflection of my daily life. I hope people look at me and see even just a glimpse of Jesus. I began this blog to be therapeutic, it's a way of ordering my thoughts when life gets a bit messy or busy - but also a place to celebrate the good times. 18 months on and I'm nearing nearly 10,000 reads. I'm not particularly fussed about the number, this blog's main purpose is as a space for me to write, yet I am so humbled that people from all over the world read what I write and many come back to read multiple posts. So thank you, I love blogging - and there's something therapeutic about knowing I'm not alone, that people are going through life with me, even from afar. Today's...

I didn't go to church this week. I was tired, I didn't feel like it, I was busy, all manner of excuses - when in reality, I was feeling vulnerable and I didn't want my friends to see me like that. Instead of beating myself up for not going, I looked back over a recent preach by Alex Wood who is student pastor at St. Peter's. His talk really spoke to me yet I walked away from church that day and didn't really take what I'd learned into the new week. As such, it fits nicely into Monday Ministry over on Tania's blog . These are just my notes/my interpretation - if you want to hear the talk for yourself, it's a good'un and can be found here. Judges 7:1-7 is a passage of the Bible where God strips Gideon's army from around 32,000 men to just 300 and yet still promises him the victory. However, that victory is to be recognised as His strength, not the armies numbers! It is often when we are stripped right back that we see God's resurrection po...

Once again, there's another bump in the road, another twist in the tale. This might be a lengthy post and it'll be a mixture of an update plus a reflection on hope and a smidge of gushing about how blessed I still am. For those that don't know me in real life...I am ill once again. Not just a little bit ill, full blown couldn't stand up for a few days ill and as a consequence, my plans of being a teacher are over. Since the 2nd March my heart rate has been all over the place, I haven't been able to eat and for a few days I wasn't able to drink. I became very dehydrated and ended up in hospital. Whilst an inpatient I met one great doctor and one rubbish doctor. It's made me realise the the management of my POTS could be so much more effective if I was under a doctor who understood that it was part of a bigger illness that is affecting many parts of my body aside from my heart. So...the good doctor agrees that I have general autonomic dysfunction (d...

If any of you have seen me in the past week, to the point where we've had a meaningful conversation, you will realise that I am currently extremely stressed and anxious. I see occupational health this week and they get to give the big yes or no about me going back to Uni. Now, I *know* that I am ready to go back, I know it's not going to be easy but I will sure as hell give it my best shot. I can do this. I am willing to sacrifice paid work, I'm willing to drop all other commitments to ensure I get adequate rest, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to give my body what it needs to get through an intense placement. I'm under no illusion that going on placement will be easy. It's tough even when you're 100% well. But I know I can do it, I know I can be a good teacher. If my appt. this week goes to plan I will have the go ahead to go back to Uni. The only special request I have, which might make things easier, is that my placement is relatively close by as ti...

Apologies, this is going to be completely ineloquent (is that even a word?!) but it's gone midnight, I'm watching Love Actually so I'm somewhat distracted by the lovely Colin Firth! Yesterday, I had a rubbish day. Today I decided to stay in bed to avoid a repeat of yesterday's crap day. Productive? No. But hey, I was tired and my plans got cancelled so I spent most of the day curled up under my duvet watching catch up TV. It was pleasantly interrupted by lunchtime, where Vicky and I decided to have enchiladas and dance around to Christmas music. Followed by a nap. I don't know why but I've been feeling pretty miserable the past couple of days, various stressful things have happened and I just feel tearful and yucky. So when it came to decision about whether to get up and go to Team Night tonight I umm-ed and ahh-ed for a while before deciding I probably should go. And I am SO glad I went. It was Christmas/advent themed. Liz gave a fantastic talk on light an...

Mother Teresa sums it up pretty well. Loneliness and feeling unloved is horrible, it can make feel desperate and worthless. For many months I have left each and every church event feeling lonely and unloved. Two weeks ago, I finally decided to make a change. 2 and a half years ago I moved to Brighton. I tried one church, got scared of making a decision and then went to CCK. My reasons were...the awesome worship and the free bus from campus. Not necessarily bad things to base the decision on, but also not everything I needed to consider. 2 and a half years later, after much encouragement from friends I've found it in me to try and find a new church, one were I feel loved, accepted and like I belong. Don't get me wrong, I know many many people who love CCK and feel a part of their mission but it's not where I am right now. The preaching is great - Joel Virgo is fantastic. The worship, the atmosphere, it's all fine. I just never really settled though, I feel incredibly...