Steady My Heart.

So my last post ended, what next? And the past month has revealed an answer to that. Since starting University (again...) in September, I've been in therapy trying to address some of the issues that keep me stuck in a cycle of  recovery and relapse with my mental health. The thing is...I am capable of living and functioning like a normal person, but that doesn't change the distressing mess that occurs inside of my brain. So, in reality - the times when I'm "recovered"? I'm actually just well enough to hide what's going on beneath the surface. That in itself has been really difficult to come to terms with. Life has been very challenging over the years and the past significantly dictates how I am currently living in the present. My dysfunctional relationship with food, my incredibly poor body image, my crippling anxiety and need to feel safe, my constant need for affirmation and reassurance, the inability to rest and just be. Next is some really hard h...

So, I'm going back to work on Thursday. I am both petrified and excited. I miss my colleagues and I miss patients. Equally though, I am still very much stuck with the delights of anxiety and depression. Deciding to go back is a bit of an odd decision because I'm really having to trust that I'm not doing it alone, I'm doing it with the support of friends, family, my GP and ultimately my faith in Jesus. Realistically, it could take months for me to get back to my normal self and I need to continue with normal life as much as possible in the meantime. There's no point getting three months down the line and being anxiety free but purely because I'm avoiding all of the situations that make me anxious. In my mission to manage my anxiety rather than just wish it was gone, I spent yesterday joining a gym and starting to get on top of my to do list. Feeling overwhelmed by life is a huge trigger for my anxiety so having an outlet is good, as is stopping avoiding the t...

A year ago: The year since diagnosis has been crazy, overwhelming, liberating and full of anger, despair, happiness and hope. It's been such a mixture but I stand here a year on, stronger than a year ago and ready for yet another year of progress (with the inevitable relapses and flares...). And in all honesty, the past year has been more of the same. I have started a new job, successfully applied to University, moved house, made new friends, seen West End shows, travelled to new cities, been part of various medical teams, seen a cousin and many friends get married. There have been so many highs, yet there's still the lows, the anger, the despair and hopelessness that comes with chronic illness. In the past year, I have learned so much and have really started to manage my health, rather than letting it manage me. I am properly compliant with my medications (most of the time) and I am far more aware of my relapse triggers. I am not any better than I was this time las...

I am tired. I love my new job but I am physically and emotionally drained and we're only a few weeks in. I think there are a few reasons behind my emotional tiredness: 1. Care work is inevitably emotional, I spend my shifts with poorly people - some who won't get fully better, some who will die, some who want to die. It's hard going, but I wouldn't want to be emotionless. How can I care for these people if I don't care about them? And it's not just the patients - there's the relatives too. I'm having to remind myself that it's important to leave work at work as much as possible. 2. There are a few people in my life right now who are struggling - be that a break up, an illness, an eating disorder. I love my friends and I care about them, it's privilege to support people but again - it's emotionally draining. Sometimes I want to just bang my head against the wall with frustration that I can't help enough. I constantly have to remind my...