Steady My Heart.

"There comes a point where it all becomes too much. When we get too tired to fight anymore. So we give up. That's when the real work begins. To find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all" - Grey's Anatomy I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point I became pretty despondent about life in Worcester. I think I got tired of it hurting and I just switched off. I guess the simplest way of summing it up is that I have a lot of hope for my future, but feel pretty hopeless about my present. I've written this post quite a few times and during that time my heart has changed from believing my lack of faith causes me to be hopeless, to a point where I realise that believing in hope - even when you feel hopeless - is the very definition of faith. Faith: complete trust or confidence in something based on spiritual conviction One of the times when I feel most connected with God is during sung worship; be that alone at home whilst I do the hou...

This song has been my anthem in the past month. I am facing a lot of pain right now and trying to envision a way forward and a life beyond it. A lot of the time I can't see a way forward and ultimately, I have had to admit that I am desperately vulnerable right now. But in the midst of this desperation? I lie and listen to this on repeat. I immerse myself in the truth and the hope it offers me. "Beginning Just let that word wash over you It's alright now Love's healing hands have pulled you through So get back up, take step one Leave the darkness, feel the sun 'Cause your story's far from over And your journey's just begun" Immediately after New Wine this year I chose to actively reject God. I was so hurt by the humans and the circumstances around me that I chose to reject Him too. I chose to try and believe that He was letting me hurt and that He would hurt me too. In reality, God's love is different to the love of humans. His love...

My name is Laura. It's the name I was given 24 years ago when I was born. But recently, through studying Ruth I've been prompted to think about all the other things I have "named" myself and defined myself with over the years. I am a nurse. A carer. Lover of babies. Reader. Saved by grace. A friend. Loved. A creative. Knitter. Chatterbox. Writer. Wonky bodied. Redeemed. Forgiven. And many more - but I am also... Fat. A burden. Ugly. A failure. Unworthy. Anxious. Depressed. And this list too could go on. I so often tend to cling to the negative names and dwell on the tough parts of life and forget the first list of things. Reading Ruth I realised I am often like Naomi...I take the name of "Mara" or bitterness. At the moment, I am physically and emotionally exhausted; my current placement on a mental health unit is really challenging me and like Naomi there are definitely times where I can't possibly imagine getting through this or how God will possi...

So my last post ended, what next? And the past month has revealed an answer to that. Since starting University (again...) in September, I've been in therapy trying to address some of the issues that keep me stuck in a cycle of  recovery and relapse with my mental health. The thing is...I am capable of living and functioning like a normal person, but that doesn't change the distressing mess that occurs inside of my brain. So, in reality - the times when I'm "recovered"? I'm actually just well enough to hide what's going on beneath the surface. That in itself has been really difficult to come to terms with. Life has been very challenging over the years and the past significantly dictates how I am currently living in the present. My dysfunctional relationship with food, my incredibly poor body image, my crippling anxiety and need to feel safe, my constant need for affirmation and reassurance, the inability to rest and just be. Next is some really hard h...

Yesterday, I read this article about having cancer in your 20's and although there are some marked differences, it also in part rang true to being diagnosed and living with a life altering long term condition. For me, being diagnosed with autonomic dysfunction at the age of 20 was initially a relief - I finally had an answer, but equally? It is a diagnosis that will stick with me forever and that gives me troublesome symptoms every day. At the beginning of my 20's my life was put on hold. I lost my degree, I struggled to maintain friendships and a social life and became deeply depressed about how this illness was stealing my life before I'd even truly got started. I contemplated moving back home to live with my Mum but desperately didn't want to lose my independence. However, in not losing my independence I was thrown into the tricky world of benefits and financial hardship. I had no savings to rely on, I was sick enough not to work full time, not sick enough to qual...

I look back on certain photos from my time as a toddler and long to have that freedom once more. To lack inhibitions and fear and the "what if's" that so often overwhelm every day life seems to be a really joyful time. I obviously don't really have any clear memories from this time - but from what other people have said, I was a fairly anxious child throughout primary school. To an extent - managing anxiety is all I've ever known as it's all I can ever remember. I wonder when I made that transition from joyful toddler to anxious child. I've had my faith in God for many many years (though not quite as long as I've had my old friend anxiety!) but so often I find it hard to trust in God and allow that to alleviate my fears and anxieties. Over the past two months I've found some of that childlike faith again, upped and left Brighton to start a new chapter in Worcester surrounded by friends, closer to family and part of a fab church that I really...

It's the end of my first week as a student nurse. Times flies. In the past few months, there has honestly been times where I thought this day may never come and I'm still not entirely convinced it's really happening (especially as I'm still waiting on occupation health clearance for placement). However, I'm here and after months of depression, anxiety and tumbling back into my ED the fog is starting to lift. I've made it mostly in one piece and realised just how far I've come from the 18 year old who first started University 5 years ago. I moved to Brighton, a vulnerable 18 year old who relied solely on negative coping mechanisms, I spent my first few years in Brighton swinging from crisis to crisis, desperate for someone to save me but not willing to take any responsibility for my actions. I was doing a degree I knew was wrong for me, but too scared to do anything about it. I was angry and sad about my past and petrified of my future. Now, at nearly 23,...

When I visit Rich and Ruth, I've been along to All Saints Worcester with them to their evening gathering and recently Rich has suggested I listen to a couple of the talks Rich Johnson has done on disappointment...so far I've only listened to the first one...but maybe I 'll write on the others too! The reading came from Psalm 42:1-11 and you can listen to the full talk here . Disappointment is a constant feature in life, each and every one of us will repeatedly experience it yet, we are not great at talking about it or dealing with it. Dealing with disappointment well will allow us to grow - however, if we we don't deal with it? It will hinder and trap us. For me, life has held a fair amount of disappointment in the past few years...I was diagnosed with a life altering condition, I had to leave my degree, I've had countless hospital admissions, houses haven't turned out as I planned, family and friends have been ill and at times, life has quite f...

I'm trying to be disciplined with my Bible reading/devotional time this year and for the past 10 days I have done a devotional each and every morning. It hasn't changed me massively - I haven't had an overwhelming sense of peace or enlightenment, no fireworks have gone off, but I know that what I am reading is truth , even if I can't feel it right now. The first set of devotionals I read was 5 days about various hymns and I loved it. Music has always been the way in which I feel a most intimate connection with my faith. This devotional series was particularly perfect for me because it not only reminded me of some of my favourite hymns - it pointed me to the biblical bases of their lyrics. Having spent a year battling through what should've been a 30 day devotional on Thessalonians - it was refreshing to read something that I related to, enjoyed and was learning from. The real thing that shone out to me through the 5 days was that although these hymns are all pr...

"Meanwhile, back at my heart I'm desperate for all that You are Undo me and take me apart Meanwhile back at my soul Mend me, Lord Please make me whole" I guess somewhat linked with my most recent post on isolation, I am struggling with an utterly desperate loneliness right now. I have friends, I know I have friends but I feel surrounded by such an overwhelming loneliness. The irrational part of my brain is feeding me a constant trickle of negative thoughts. That everyone hates me, that I'm horrid and fat and ugly and that no-one could possibly love me. I know that it is probably not true, yet battling that constant train of thought 24/7 is tiresome. It's the same with my working life, a constant doubt that sits deep within me that I am not good enough . But what hurts the most? Is how utterly lonely I feel on the faith front. I know only I can change this but I feel utterly abandoned by God. Knowing He's there compared to truly feeling Him are wo...

While I was home over Christmas, I had a long chat with my Mum and it was the first time I truly admitted one of my most damaging coping mechanisms. Not my eating disorder or any other thing I may physically do to myself, but something far more damaging, although I am only just realising it. Isolation. When I am at my most anxious, my most depressed, my most vulnerable? I isolate myself. It's been my coping mechanism of choice since my teenage years but something I've never truly realised as such. It began when I was 13, I began to hide away in my room. I was hiding from my family, from difficult situations in my life at that time but I was also isolating myself from any support. This continued (and worsened) as I grew up and ultimately damaged my friendships. By the time I left for University, I found any social situation stressful and was most comfortable in just the company of one or two other people.  Recently, my desire to isolate myself is really quite overwhelming ...

So, I'm going back to work on Thursday. I am both petrified and excited. I miss my colleagues and I miss patients. Equally though, I am still very much stuck with the delights of anxiety and depression. Deciding to go back is a bit of an odd decision because I'm really having to trust that I'm not doing it alone, I'm doing it with the support of friends, family, my GP and ultimately my faith in Jesus. Realistically, it could take months for me to get back to my normal self and I need to continue with normal life as much as possible in the meantime. There's no point getting three months down the line and being anxiety free but purely because I'm avoiding all of the situations that make me anxious. In my mission to manage my anxiety rather than just wish it was gone, I spent yesterday joining a gym and starting to get on top of my to do list. Feeling overwhelmed by life is a huge trigger for my anxiety so having an outlet is good, as is stopping avoiding the t...

"Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine  'Cause love can heal what hurt divides  And mercy's waiting on the other side  If we're honest  If we're honest"   I've tried so many times to blog in the past few weeks...but I pride myself on authenticity and everything I've written has felt like a lie. In the words of Francesca Battistelli...I have "a heart that loves to hide" and it particularly loves to hide when things get tough, when I haven't got it all as together as it might seem. For a few weeks now, I've been floundering somewhat, treading water but not really staying afloat. If we're honest , my mental health leaves a lot to be desired right now. If we're honest , despite the fact that life is a lot of fun right now, life is also really hard. If we're honest , I may be eating, but my body image is worse than ever. If we're honest , I feel totally unworthy and unlovable. If we...

Today, I stood in a supermarket and cried. I walked the aisles of my Sainsbury's Local for nearly an hour before choosing some food for dinner. I thought those days were behind me. It was a sharp reminder that recovery is not linear and that no matter how good things are? Recovery is fragile. It takes effort and perseverance. I wouldn't say I've relapsed - far from it. I'm acutely aware that I have let things slip and I'm aware of what I need to do to keep on top of it. It's just hard work to actually put that into practice. So what do you do, when you're stood in Sainsbury's crying? You get your head down and get on with the task in hand. Food is not an optional extra in life, it is a necessity and if I let it be...an enjoyable one. Eventually, I put some worship music on and purchased something I would actually find tasty. Tonight...sweet chilli and lime chicken salad with salt and pepper croutons. Part of my current problem is that I'm loo...

At 22, I have seen more dead or dying people in the past month than most people see in a life time.    Don't get me wrong...I love patient care and I even love end of life care, but I am tired. So very tired. I am tired of being short staffed, I am tired of feeling inadequate, I am tired of trying my hardest and still feeling like it's not good enough. It scares me that at 22 I am tired, yet I'm hopefully dedicating the rest of my life to healthcare. I think work has become the outlet of my stress right now. Work feels like the one big thing in my life that is stressful and unbearable. However, I think the more likely scenario is that I'm bottling up lots of little stressors which means my resilience for tough stuff at work is zilch. I don't remember the last shift I made it through without crying before, during or after.  I love my job. I know I love my job. So what else has gone wrong that means work is so hard right now? Physically, I have been on and off ...

I've just spent 12 days in my safe place. The place I go to engage with God on a deeper level than usual and I have returned feeling utterly miserable. It's so painfully true that it's possible to feel alone in a room full of people. I stood in a tent of thousands, feeling so isolated and distant from everything. There are many reasons I chose not to engage fully - and I do believe for the most part it was a choice. I guess in many ways the isolation I am consequently feeling is self inflicted. I do such a great job of pretending, that no-one knows what's truly in my heart right now, which makes writing this blog post an interesting task. I was scared of being vulnerable, both physically and emotionally. I wanted to stand for prayer many a time, but the fear of standing and fainting held me back. The one time I started to respond, I disengaged at the first sign of feeling poorly. I was also fearful of crying in front of my team, of seeming weak, of letting them know...

A year ago: The year since diagnosis has been crazy, overwhelming, liberating and full of anger, despair, happiness and hope. It's been such a mixture but I stand here a year on, stronger than a year ago and ready for yet another year of progress (with the inevitable relapses and flares...). And in all honesty, the past year has been more of the same. I have started a new job, successfully applied to University, moved house, made new friends, seen West End shows, travelled to new cities, been part of various medical teams, seen a cousin and many friends get married. There have been so many highs, yet there's still the lows, the anger, the despair and hopelessness that comes with chronic illness. In the past year, I have learned so much and have really started to manage my health, rather than letting it manage me. I am properly compliant with my medications (most of the time) and I am far more aware of my relapse triggers. I am not any better than I was this time las...

Sidenote: I've been thinking recently about whether or not to divide the Christian and nursing aspects of my blog. I've decided for the moment to keep just the one blog...for me, my faith is a huge part of who I am and I am still working out how the two run alongside each other. My faith does influence the way I care - but I would never force my views upon colleagues or patients, in fact I wouldn't tell a patient I was a Christian unless they asked. I'm currently working my way through a 30 day devotional on 1 Thessalonians called Living for Jesus. I somewhat lack discipline when it comes to reading my Bible and thus far 30 days has actually been 5 weeks and I'm only on day 10. However, the important bit is that I'm persevering and keep coming back to it. Today's study was about Jesus speaking to us through God's word and it got me thinking about how God speaks to me. Firstly, I would imagine the feeling of "God speaking to you" is very dif...

Tonight, Si Larkin preached at St Peter's - it's the first time I've heard him preach and it hit me hard. It made me reflect on similar preaches I've heard in the past and equally, how it applies to my life today. Who am I? I am Laura, a 22 year old healthcare assistant - soon to be a student nurse. I am fat. I love babies, singing and naps. I have autonomic dysfunction. I am a burden and a failure. I am a daughter, a cousin, a grandaughter, a sister, a friend and a colleague. I am a volunteer. I am ugly. I have yucky feet. I am flabby. I have stretchmarks. I am too tall. I bite my nails. I am short sighted. Some of that is factual, some of it is my opinion of myself but what does the Bible say about my identity? "Therefore, since I have been justified through faith, I have peace with God through my Lord Jesus Christ, through whom I have gained access by faith into this grace in which I now stand. And I rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." - T...

"The biggest problem I have is learning to listen to what my body's telling me and making the appropriate decision and acting upon it." - Oli Lewington Recently, I lost the balance quite spectacularly. I've been feeling relatively healthy - all things are relative when it comes to chronic illness. So I let things slip - I became a little less vigilant with medications, a little less strict with rest days, I did a little more living and a lot less illness management. For weeks now, I've known I'm in trouble. I've been totally exhausted but scared to stop in case it all fell apart. Turns out...eventually you'll be forced to stop. And when the decision was made to be signed off sick, I have never felt so relieved and gutted in equal parts. I hate being sick. I like being busy. I hate resting, I hate taking medication, I hate so much about having a chronic illness. However, a few days of true rest and I'm getting there. Coming back to the und...