Steady My Heart.

This song has been my anthem in the past month. I am facing a lot of pain right now and trying to envision a way forward and a life beyond it. A lot of the time I can't see a way forward and ultimately, I have had to admit that I am desperately vulnerable right now. But in the midst of this desperation? I lie and listen to this on repeat. I immerse myself in the truth and the hope it offers me. "Beginning Just let that word wash over you It's alright now Love's healing hands have pulled you through So get back up, take step one Leave the darkness, feel the sun 'Cause your story's far from over And your journey's just begun" Immediately after New Wine this year I chose to actively reject God. I was so hurt by the humans and the circumstances around me that I chose to reject Him too. I chose to try and believe that He was letting me hurt and that He would hurt me too. In reality, God's love is different to the love of humans. His love...

So my last post ended, what next? And the past month has revealed an answer to that. Since starting University (again...) in September, I've been in therapy trying to address some of the issues that keep me stuck in a cycle of  recovery and relapse with my mental health. The thing is...I am capable of living and functioning like a normal person, but that doesn't change the distressing mess that occurs inside of my brain. So, in reality - the times when I'm "recovered"? I'm actually just well enough to hide what's going on beneath the surface. That in itself has been really difficult to come to terms with. Life has been very challenging over the years and the past significantly dictates how I am currently living in the present. My dysfunctional relationship with food, my incredibly poor body image, my crippling anxiety and need to feel safe, my constant need for affirmation and reassurance, the inability to rest and just be. Next is some really hard h...

I'm trying to be disciplined with my Bible reading/devotional time this year and for the past 10 days I have done a devotional each and every morning. It hasn't changed me massively - I haven't had an overwhelming sense of peace or enlightenment, no fireworks have gone off, but I know that what I am reading is truth , even if I can't feel it right now. The first set of devotionals I read was 5 days about various hymns and I loved it. Music has always been the way in which I feel a most intimate connection with my faith. This devotional series was particularly perfect for me because it not only reminded me of some of my favourite hymns - it pointed me to the biblical bases of their lyrics. Having spent a year battling through what should've been a 30 day devotional on Thessalonians - it was refreshing to read something that I related to, enjoyed and was learning from. The real thing that shone out to me through the 5 days was that although these hymns are all pr...

"Meanwhile, back at my heart I'm desperate for all that You are Undo me and take me apart Meanwhile back at my soul Mend me, Lord Please make me whole" I guess somewhat linked with my most recent post on isolation, I am struggling with an utterly desperate loneliness right now. I have friends, I know I have friends but I feel surrounded by such an overwhelming loneliness. The irrational part of my brain is feeding me a constant trickle of negative thoughts. That everyone hates me, that I'm horrid and fat and ugly and that no-one could possibly love me. I know that it is probably not true, yet battling that constant train of thought 24/7 is tiresome. It's the same with my working life, a constant doubt that sits deep within me that I am not good enough . But what hurts the most? Is how utterly lonely I feel on the faith front. I know only I can change this but I feel utterly abandoned by God. Knowing He's there compared to truly feeling Him are wo...

So, I'm going back to work on Thursday. I am both petrified and excited. I miss my colleagues and I miss patients. Equally though, I am still very much stuck with the delights of anxiety and depression. Deciding to go back is a bit of an odd decision because I'm really having to trust that I'm not doing it alone, I'm doing it with the support of friends, family, my GP and ultimately my faith in Jesus. Realistically, it could take months for me to get back to my normal self and I need to continue with normal life as much as possible in the meantime. There's no point getting three months down the line and being anxiety free but purely because I'm avoiding all of the situations that make me anxious. In my mission to manage my anxiety rather than just wish it was gone, I spent yesterday joining a gym and starting to get on top of my to do list. Feeling overwhelmed by life is a huge trigger for my anxiety so having an outlet is good, as is stopping avoiding the t...

Curled up on the sofa having almost completed my mission to survive the "most wonderful time of year". This year, Christmas has been a real challenge for me. About a month ago now, I had a meltdown at work and was signed off with stress, depression and anxiety. This would suck at any time of year, but poses a particular challenge when there is endless pressure to be jolly and merry! I am no stranger to anxiety and depression, having experienced mental health issues throughout my teenage years, but this wobble has been incredibly difficult to overcome (and I'm by no means there yet). Now don't get me wrong...there have been some incredible moments this Christmas, to name but a few I have relieved my childhood by dressing up as an angel for the Kids Church nativity, I have been blessed with many incredible presents and seen family I don't often see. I've also spent time with close friends and some of my favourite little people. I've ice skated and made Chr...

My delightful eating disorder has reared it's ugly head well and truly recently and along with it a whirlpool of irrational thoughts and feelings. I am yet to decide which is worse...being irrational and not realising, or knowing that your thoughts are irrational yet feeling powerless to change it. I'm keeping a vague handle on things, having dropped 13kg fairly rapidly my weight is now stable. But the weight is just a symptom of inner turmoil. I've lost the enjoyment in food once more. I'm back to all or nothing and it's very difficult to keep myself on a stable, even keel. I'm eating a relatively healthy diet - full of cucumber and houmous, ryvita and light soft cheese, home made soup, salad and greek yoghurt but my "safe" diet has become incredibly limited once more. I can and will eat other meals - but they leave me feeling fat and guilty Being irrationally rational quite frankly sucks. I know one thing to be true, whilst I feel s...

"Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine  'Cause love can heal what hurt divides  And mercy's waiting on the other side  If we're honest  If we're honest"   I've tried so many times to blog in the past few weeks...but I pride myself on authenticity and everything I've written has felt like a lie. In the words of Francesca Battistelli...I have "a heart that loves to hide" and it particularly loves to hide when things get tough, when I haven't got it all as together as it might seem. For a few weeks now, I've been floundering somewhat, treading water but not really staying afloat. If we're honest , my mental health leaves a lot to be desired right now. If we're honest , despite the fact that life is a lot of fun right now, life is also really hard. If we're honest , I may be eating, but my body image is worse than ever. If we're honest , I feel totally unworthy and unlovable. If we...

For anyone who's read my blog, it's probably no surprise that I have experienced mental health problems. These days I'm pretty open about most of it - the first time I "outed" myself was for Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2012 and since then, there are regular references to my experiences of mental illness. I sit here today writing this blog as someone who has experienced mental illness. I do not call myself a "sufferer", I would not choose to have been ill however, it has taught me a lot and made me the person I am today. To me, it is just another experience. On the whole, I would view myself as someone living in recovery as opposed to a few years ago, when my life felt consumed by depression and disordered eating. My life these days is full of love and laughter and friendship but also still a heck of a lot of tough times. Part of my recovery is accepting that life is not easy. Recovery doesn't mean my life is okay now - it means I've ...

Watching "Don't Call Me Crazy" this week was incredibly close to home. I was never an inpatient, but I've had friends who have been as well as my fair share of involvement with the mental health system. For many years now I've had friends with eating disorders and likewise for many years, I was very entrenched in my own eating disorder and depression. Recently, I've begun to realise just how 'recovered' I am. I don't think an eating disorder ever truly goes away and I am certain the pain it once caused is never forgotten. I am however, now able to live a virtually 'normal' life and recovery means I can enjoy so many things that I'd once lost. It's always good to reflect on how far you've come...and maybe I can give my friend's hope too. 10 things recovery gave me: Covent garden soup with bread and butter - none of this watery cuppa soup and rice cakes A genuine smile in front of the camera    Napping because I wan...

What a fantastic video. I urge you all to watch it, whether or not you've experienced depression. October 10th was World Mental Health Day, to be honest I paid little attention to it aside from reading the odd tweet or Facebook status here and there. It's a bit of a controversial one, people tend to fall into one of two categories; one, recovery is awesome, it will get better, keep trying, keep hoping or two, well I'm not recovered, I never will be, I don't want to play along with all this hope crap. There is also the added dilemma that the majority of the focus is placed on depression despite there being many many other mental illnesses. One thing that did really annoy me/make me uncomfortable was Stephen Fry tweeting the following "It’s # worldmentalhealthday today - thinking of everyone with problems. Let’s at least start by addressing the stigma # proudtobemad " . It's all great until the last bit. Proud to be mad? I wouldn't say mental illne...

Today I was reunited with my lovely Pippa...it's great being in a new house with great new house mates but I miss having Pippa so close. We had lots to catch up on and we did so over pizza, salad and a free pudding as the waiter liked us! During our conversation Pippa said something which really struck me: "It's nice to see you smiling and looking so happy" Pippa saw me go through some really tough stuff over the past year and I value her opinion of me. She's visited me in hospital, she's held me while I've cried, she's made me cook proper food, have showers and get out of the house when all I want to do is curl up in a ball. Looking back I even love her for the times she practically dragged me to church only for me to walk out/cry in a heap during worship. So for her to say I'm looking happy meant a lot. And it's true, I am happy. And the best bit? For the first time in four years this is not a medicated happy. For the first time in ...