Steady My Heart.

This song has been my anthem in the past month. I am facing a lot of pain right now and trying to envision a way forward and a life beyond it. A lot of the time I can't see a way forward and ultimately, I have had to admit that I am desperately vulnerable right now. But in the midst of this desperation? I lie and listen to this on repeat. I immerse myself in the truth and the hope it offers me. "Beginning Just let that word wash over you It's alright now Love's healing hands have pulled you through So get back up, take step one Leave the darkness, feel the sun 'Cause your story's far from over And your journey's just begun" Immediately after New Wine this year I chose to actively reject God. I was so hurt by the humans and the circumstances around me that I chose to reject Him too. I chose to try and believe that He was letting me hurt and that He would hurt me too. In reality, God's love is different to the love of humans. His love...

So my last post ended, what next? And the past month has revealed an answer to that. Since starting University (again...) in September, I've been in therapy trying to address some of the issues that keep me stuck in a cycle of  recovery and relapse with my mental health. The thing is...I am capable of living and functioning like a normal person, but that doesn't change the distressing mess that occurs inside of my brain. So, in reality - the times when I'm "recovered"? I'm actually just well enough to hide what's going on beneath the surface. That in itself has been really difficult to come to terms with. Life has been very challenging over the years and the past significantly dictates how I am currently living in the present. My dysfunctional relationship with food, my incredibly poor body image, my crippling anxiety and need to feel safe, my constant need for affirmation and reassurance, the inability to rest and just be. Next is some really hard h...

I look back on certain photos from my time as a toddler and long to have that freedom once more. To lack inhibitions and fear and the "what if's" that so often overwhelm every day life seems to be a really joyful time. I obviously don't really have any clear memories from this time - but from what other people have said, I was a fairly anxious child throughout primary school. To an extent - managing anxiety is all I've ever known as it's all I can ever remember. I wonder when I made that transition from joyful toddler to anxious child. I've had my faith in God for many many years (though not quite as long as I've had my old friend anxiety!) but so often I find it hard to trust in God and allow that to alleviate my fears and anxieties. Over the past two months I've found some of that childlike faith again, upped and left Brighton to start a new chapter in Worcester surrounded by friends, closer to family and part of a fab church that I really...

It's the end of my first week as a student nurse. Times flies. In the past few months, there has honestly been times where I thought this day may never come and I'm still not entirely convinced it's really happening (especially as I'm still waiting on occupation health clearance for placement). However, I'm here and after months of depression, anxiety and tumbling back into my ED the fog is starting to lift. I've made it mostly in one piece and realised just how far I've come from the 18 year old who first started University 5 years ago. I moved to Brighton, a vulnerable 18 year old who relied solely on negative coping mechanisms, I spent my first few years in Brighton swinging from crisis to crisis, desperate for someone to save me but not willing to take any responsibility for my actions. I was doing a degree I knew was wrong for me, but too scared to do anything about it. I was angry and sad about my past and petrified of my future. Now, at nearly 23,...

I'm trying to be disciplined with my Bible reading/devotional time this year and for the past 10 days I have done a devotional each and every morning. It hasn't changed me massively - I haven't had an overwhelming sense of peace or enlightenment, no fireworks have gone off, but I know that what I am reading is truth , even if I can't feel it right now. The first set of devotionals I read was 5 days about various hymns and I loved it. Music has always been the way in which I feel a most intimate connection with my faith. This devotional series was particularly perfect for me because it not only reminded me of some of my favourite hymns - it pointed me to the biblical bases of their lyrics. Having spent a year battling through what should've been a 30 day devotional on Thessalonians - it was refreshing to read something that I related to, enjoyed and was learning from. The real thing that shone out to me through the 5 days was that although these hymns are all pr...

"Meanwhile, back at my heart I'm desperate for all that You are Undo me and take me apart Meanwhile back at my soul Mend me, Lord Please make me whole" I guess somewhat linked with my most recent post on isolation, I am struggling with an utterly desperate loneliness right now. I have friends, I know I have friends but I feel surrounded by such an overwhelming loneliness. The irrational part of my brain is feeding me a constant trickle of negative thoughts. That everyone hates me, that I'm horrid and fat and ugly and that no-one could possibly love me. I know that it is probably not true, yet battling that constant train of thought 24/7 is tiresome. It's the same with my working life, a constant doubt that sits deep within me that I am not good enough . But what hurts the most? Is how utterly lonely I feel on the faith front. I know only I can change this but I feel utterly abandoned by God. Knowing He's there compared to truly feeling Him are wo...

So, I'm going back to work on Thursday. I am both petrified and excited. I miss my colleagues and I miss patients. Equally though, I am still very much stuck with the delights of anxiety and depression. Deciding to go back is a bit of an odd decision because I'm really having to trust that I'm not doing it alone, I'm doing it with the support of friends, family, my GP and ultimately my faith in Jesus. Realistically, it could take months for me to get back to my normal self and I need to continue with normal life as much as possible in the meantime. There's no point getting three months down the line and being anxiety free but purely because I'm avoiding all of the situations that make me anxious. In my mission to manage my anxiety rather than just wish it was gone, I spent yesterday joining a gym and starting to get on top of my to do list. Feeling overwhelmed by life is a huge trigger for my anxiety so having an outlet is good, as is stopping avoiding the t...

As I write this, it is 04.29 on a Saturday morning and it's one of those morning's when I feel totally broken. Living with a chronic illness is harder than I ever imagined, if you add a mental health wobble into the mix? Well you end up, sat awake at 04.29 feeling both physically and emotionally broken. I feel incredibly distant in my faith right now and am finding it difficult to engage, but nonetheless I know that perseverance is key. I know Jesus is with me, even though right now I struggle to feel Him. The early hours of a Saturday morning seems as good a time as any to catch up on one of the preaches that's been sat in my bookmarks for my months than I like to admit! This particular talk was given by Jules Jacob and was entitled "How to deal with anxiety" . "The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life."  John 10:10 (NLT) The second part is what Jesus wants for my life but right no...

My delightful eating disorder has reared it's ugly head well and truly recently and along with it a whirlpool of irrational thoughts and feelings. I am yet to decide which is worse...being irrational and not realising, or knowing that your thoughts are irrational yet feeling powerless to change it. I'm keeping a vague handle on things, having dropped 13kg fairly rapidly my weight is now stable. But the weight is just a symptom of inner turmoil. I've lost the enjoyment in food once more. I'm back to all or nothing and it's very difficult to keep myself on a stable, even keel. I'm eating a relatively healthy diet - full of cucumber and houmous, ryvita and light soft cheese, home made soup, salad and greek yoghurt but my "safe" diet has become incredibly limited once more. I can and will eat other meals - but they leave me feeling fat and guilty Being irrationally rational quite frankly sucks. I know one thing to be true, whilst I feel s...

At 22, I have seen more dead or dying people in the past month than most people see in a life time.    Don't get me wrong...I love patient care and I even love end of life care, but I am tired. So very tired. I am tired of being short staffed, I am tired of feeling inadequate, I am tired of trying my hardest and still feeling like it's not good enough. It scares me that at 22 I am tired, yet I'm hopefully dedicating the rest of my life to healthcare. I think work has become the outlet of my stress right now. Work feels like the one big thing in my life that is stressful and unbearable. However, I think the more likely scenario is that I'm bottling up lots of little stressors which means my resilience for tough stuff at work is zilch. I don't remember the last shift I made it through without crying before, during or after.  I love my job. I know I love my job. So what else has gone wrong that means work is so hard right now? Physically, I have been on and off ...

Once again, Eating Disorders Awareness Week is upon us and once again, I'm breaking the silence. I refuse to hide my story, I refuse to pretend that mental health is not a massive problem in our society. I am and always will be someone who experienced disordered eating. During periods of stress, my eating can still wobble. As much as I live very much recovered - I think I will always be "in recovery". There will always be the potential for relapse. However, the more I learn about myself, the more I learn my triggers. Looking back to when I was most entrenched in my eating disorder seems odd now. I am a completely different person. I cannot contemplate how sad I must have been to have put my body through what I did. In many ways, it's like I've almost forgotten that time. I remember bits, but with time the pain fades. Every time I write about eating disorders, I realise I'm a little more recovered than the last time I did...and I am proud. Recovery was the ...

For anyone who's read my blog, it's probably no surprise that I have experienced mental health problems. These days I'm pretty open about most of it - the first time I "outed" myself was for Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2012 and since then, there are regular references to my experiences of mental illness. I sit here today writing this blog as someone who has experienced mental illness. I do not call myself a "sufferer", I would not choose to have been ill however, it has taught me a lot and made me the person I am today. To me, it is just another experience. On the whole, I would view myself as someone living in recovery as opposed to a few years ago, when my life felt consumed by depression and disordered eating. My life these days is full of love and laughter and friendship but also still a heck of a lot of tough times. Part of my recovery is accepting that life is not easy. Recovery doesn't mean my life is okay now - it means I've ...

This evening I had a blip. And it's left me feeling like a ginormous fat blimp. More so than usual. Ironically, the cause of the blip? Receiving a letter suggesting that I am still currently diagnosed with bulimia nervosa. Now, I know I'm not. My own GP knows I'm not. The mental health team that discharged me as "recovered" know I'm not. I am recovered. I had an eating disorder, in the past. It is not current. I still struggle with confidence and body image. I still feel I am fat. Some days I still struggle with "normal". But I do not spend my life restricting, binging, purging, exercising and taking laxatives. I am recovered and I am immensely proud of the effort I put into that recovery. I'm angry that such a petty thing has knocked me. It came from a letter full of errors. It is an error. I do not still have bulimia. I think I'm also angry at myself for the shame and embarrassment I feel. I was always embarrassed of the bulimia ...

Last week, I read Disabled Medic 's wonderful blog on the NHS. Today, I logged on to Twitter to find #ILoveOurNHS trending.65 years on and we are in the process of losing our wonderful health service - I don't profess to knowing the politics or exact plans - I was never good at that kind of stuff. All I know is the anecdotal evidence of  healthcare professionals on Twitter, the dumbed down, sensationalised newspapers and the odd blog here and there. It's made me realise how much we'll miss the NHS if and when it's gone for good. The NHS has employed my Mum ever since I was born - giving us a stable income, allowing her career progression and she now works in a job that she loves despite the long hours. She's been a radiographer, a sonographer and now she manages a triple A screening programme. I am so proud of how hard my Mum works and that she's able to do it for an organisation such as the NHS. The NHS has looked after each member of my family at one ...

Watching "Don't Call Me Crazy" this week was incredibly close to home. I was never an inpatient, but I've had friends who have been as well as my fair share of involvement with the mental health system. For many years now I've had friends with eating disorders and likewise for many years, I was very entrenched in my own eating disorder and depression. Recently, I've begun to realise just how 'recovered' I am. I don't think an eating disorder ever truly goes away and I am certain the pain it once caused is never forgotten. I am however, now able to live a virtually 'normal' life and recovery means I can enjoy so many things that I'd once lost. It's always good to reflect on how far you've come...and maybe I can give my friend's hope too. 10 things recovery gave me: Covent garden soup with bread and butter - none of this watery cuppa soup and rice cakes A genuine smile in front of the camera    Napping because I wan...

This Christmas I'll be having a fat-free Christmas. For the past few years Christmas has involved panicking about food. This year I'll be avoiding the word fat over the Christmas period. The word fat for me contains so much more than just weight...it's about feeling lazy, unloved, unworthy. It's not productive or enjoyable to spend Christmas yelling abuse at myself so this year, I will be trying my hardest to avoid "feeling fat". Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the thoughts will creep in, most days I think about being fat but for the next week or so I'm going to enjoy food, in moderation without binging, purging or restricting and it is going to be wonderful. Just a year ago I couldn't have said this, or even considered it privately but I feel that I have made SO much progress in the past year. And as much as I hate to admit it, getting properly "fat" was part of that process. It's taking me a long long time to get the weight back ...

Being loved and feeling loved are two different things. Objective and subjective. I am loved, but often I don't feel that way. It's something that I often have to remind myself. Today for example, I'm feeling a bit lonely, a bit sad (probably because the weather is utterly miserable and I feel fat) and consequently wanted a cuddle. Now, there are people I could have contacted to get a cuddle, to curl up and watch crap TV with but instead, I decided to spend the evening lying in bed moping. Why? Because I'm scared of being rejected, scared of people not loving me enough to come and give me that cuddle/invite me to go to theirs. I'm scared that maybe they don't love me, that maybe I am just lying to myself. And then I want to hit myself around the head, to knock some sense into my silly little brain. Just this past week I have spent time with great friends on more than one occasion and I have photographic evidence to prove it... That was Thanksgiving, we ...

Just before I begin, this post has been written with the permission of the friend concerned and seen by her before going public. November 2005 changed my life. I will never forget the events of that month and the ones to follow. I still get pretty emotional at this time of year, I guess I grieve for what I feel I lost, I grieve for what my then best friend lost, I feel sad about the entire situation. This is by no means a 100% accurate blow-by-blow account, nor is it everything I remember/feel, it's some snippets of the memories of a traumatic event in some 13 year old lives. Things blur and become distorted with time and the hurt, sadness and anger lessens, but it is never forgotten. For me, it started with a phone call, followed by a long night waiting in the house for news on whether or not Ellie's mum had been found. We had been in the same friendship group at school for a year or so and had become extremely close in the months prior to her Mum's disappearance. Sh...

What a fantastic video. I urge you all to watch it, whether or not you've experienced depression. October 10th was World Mental Health Day, to be honest I paid little attention to it aside from reading the odd tweet or Facebook status here and there. It's a bit of a controversial one, people tend to fall into one of two categories; one, recovery is awesome, it will get better, keep trying, keep hoping or two, well I'm not recovered, I never will be, I don't want to play along with all this hope crap. There is also the added dilemma that the majority of the focus is placed on depression despite there being many many other mental illnesses. One thing that did really annoy me/make me uncomfortable was Stephen Fry tweeting the following "It’s # worldmentalhealthday today - thinking of everyone with problems. Let’s at least start by addressing the stigma # proudtobemad " . It's all great until the last bit. Proud to be mad? I wouldn't say mental illne...

This weekend marks two years since I flew the nest and came to Uni. My middle sister is now following suit but headed for a different city and a different course. I've been reading over old journals again recently and feeling pretty nostalgic and I guess a little sad. Freshers is meant to be a time of trying out new activities, getting drunk making new friends and generally just "loving life". Now, don't get me wrong...I did do some of this; First night drinks Myself and Beth (housemate) Freebies at Freshers Fair Amelia, Beth, myself, Laura     Foam party UV rave But I also did a fair amount of crying, weighing myself, hiding in my room and wishing the whole world would swallow me up. Things were so different back then. I miss being slim so so much. I cannot believe I wasted hours of my time standing on the scales berating myself for being fat, and look at me now, gone completely the other way. I am trying to address the weight I'...