Steady My Heart.

So, I'm going back to work on Thursday. I am both petrified and excited. I miss my colleagues and I miss patients. Equally though, I am still very much stuck with the delights of anxiety and depression. Deciding to go back is a bit of an odd decision because I'm really having to trust that I'm not doing it alone, I'm doing it with the support of friends, family, my GP and ultimately my faith in Jesus. Realistically, it could take months for me to get back to my normal self and I need to continue with normal life as much as possible in the meantime. There's no point getting three months down the line and being anxiety free but purely because I'm avoiding all of the situations that make me anxious. In my mission to manage my anxiety rather than just wish it was gone, I spent yesterday joining a gym and starting to get on top of my to do list. Feeling overwhelmed by life is a huge trigger for my anxiety so having an outlet is good, as is stopping avoiding the t...

Curled up on the sofa having almost completed my mission to survive the "most wonderful time of year". This year, Christmas has been a real challenge for me. About a month ago now, I had a meltdown at work and was signed off with stress, depression and anxiety. This would suck at any time of year, but poses a particular challenge when there is endless pressure to be jolly and merry! I am no stranger to anxiety and depression, having experienced mental health issues throughout my teenage years, but this wobble has been incredibly difficult to overcome (and I'm by no means there yet). Now don't get me wrong...there have been some incredible moments this Christmas, to name but a few I have relieved my childhood by dressing up as an angel for the Kids Church nativity, I have been blessed with many incredible presents and seen family I don't often see. I've also spent time with close friends and some of my favourite little people. I've ice skated and made Chr...

As I write this, it is 04.29 on a Saturday morning and it's one of those morning's when I feel totally broken. Living with a chronic illness is harder than I ever imagined, if you add a mental health wobble into the mix? Well you end up, sat awake at 04.29 feeling both physically and emotionally broken. I feel incredibly distant in my faith right now and am finding it difficult to engage, but nonetheless I know that perseverance is key. I know Jesus is with me, even though right now I struggle to feel Him. The early hours of a Saturday morning seems as good a time as any to catch up on one of the preaches that's been sat in my bookmarks for my months than I like to admit! This particular talk was given by Jules Jacob and was entitled "How to deal with anxiety" . "The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life."  John 10:10 (NLT) The second part is what Jesus wants for my life but right no...

My delightful eating disorder has reared it's ugly head well and truly recently and along with it a whirlpool of irrational thoughts and feelings. I am yet to decide which is worse...being irrational and not realising, or knowing that your thoughts are irrational yet feeling powerless to change it. I'm keeping a vague handle on things, having dropped 13kg fairly rapidly my weight is now stable. But the weight is just a symptom of inner turmoil. I've lost the enjoyment in food once more. I'm back to all or nothing and it's very difficult to keep myself on a stable, even keel. I'm eating a relatively healthy diet - full of cucumber and houmous, ryvita and light soft cheese, home made soup, salad and greek yoghurt but my "safe" diet has become incredibly limited once more. I can and will eat other meals - but they leave me feeling fat and guilty Being irrationally rational quite frankly sucks. I know one thing to be true, whilst I feel s...

At the beginning of the year, I posted about a shift on another ward and how I was so relieved to return to my own ward, how I felt out of my comfort zone, how the grass isn't always greener elsewhere! However, in the past fortnight I have worked two shifts on a different ward to my usual and have LOVED it. So what was different? Firstly, people introduced themselves. It seems so simple - but knowing peoples names makes you feel part of the team. I honestly think it should be compulsory for all healthcare workers to wear a visible name badge. If it's hard as a member of staff in a strange environment, I cannot imagine how daunting it must be for patients, particularly when then staff change from shift to shift. Secondly, back in January, I was very much in a honeymoon period regarding my job. My enthusiasm was boundless and I thought my ward was faultless. 9 months down the line and I have matured in my role and also come to the realisation that no ward is perfect - we a...

I recently wrote a guest post for Digital Worship in which I highlighted that social media is not a replacement for real life friendships and support . Simultaneously, I was really struggling with being alone. I moved house at the end of September and as much as I enjoy my own space, it has been incredibly lonely in the interim before the other girls move in. For a variety of reasons, things have been a bit wobbly recently but this has definitely been compounded by spending too much time alone. For a week or so, my good friend Rich has been rather persistently trying to get me to visit or allow him to come and visit me. Even using said blog post to point out that I knew what I needed, as much as I was denying myself it! This weekend, I eventually relented and he came to spend the weekend in Brighton, it may not have fixed everything but it definitely meant I got some TLC and had to think a little less about looking after myself. Aside from getting locked out of the house, it was a...

"Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine  'Cause love can heal what hurt divides  And mercy's waiting on the other side  If we're honest  If we're honest"   I've tried so many times to blog in the past few weeks...but I pride myself on authenticity and everything I've written has felt like a lie. In the words of Francesca Battistelli...I have "a heart that loves to hide" and it particularly loves to hide when things get tough, when I haven't got it all as together as it might seem. For a few weeks now, I've been floundering somewhat, treading water but not really staying afloat. If we're honest , my mental health leaves a lot to be desired right now. If we're honest , despite the fact that life is a lot of fun right now, life is also really hard. If we're honest , I may be eating, but my body image is worse than ever. If we're honest , I feel totally unworthy and unlovable. If we...

Today, I stood in a supermarket and cried. I walked the aisles of my Sainsbury's Local for nearly an hour before choosing some food for dinner. I thought those days were behind me. It was a sharp reminder that recovery is not linear and that no matter how good things are? Recovery is fragile. It takes effort and perseverance. I wouldn't say I've relapsed - far from it. I'm acutely aware that I have let things slip and I'm aware of what I need to do to keep on top of it. It's just hard work to actually put that into practice. So what do you do, when you're stood in Sainsbury's crying? You get your head down and get on with the task in hand. Food is not an optional extra in life, it is a necessity and if I let it be...an enjoyable one. Eventually, I put some worship music on and purchased something I would actually find tasty. Tonight...sweet chilli and lime chicken salad with salt and pepper croutons. Part of my current problem is that I'm loo...

At 22, I have seen more dead or dying people in the past month than most people see in a life time.    Don't get me wrong...I love patient care and I even love end of life care, but I am tired. So very tired. I am tired of being short staffed, I am tired of feeling inadequate, I am tired of trying my hardest and still feeling like it's not good enough. It scares me that at 22 I am tired, yet I'm hopefully dedicating the rest of my life to healthcare. I think work has become the outlet of my stress right now. Work feels like the one big thing in my life that is stressful and unbearable. However, I think the more likely scenario is that I'm bottling up lots of little stressors which means my resilience for tough stuff at work is zilch. I don't remember the last shift I made it through without crying before, during or after.  I love my job. I know I love my job. So what else has gone wrong that means work is so hard right now? Physically, I have been on and off ...

I've just spent 12 days in my safe place. The place I go to engage with God on a deeper level than usual and I have returned feeling utterly miserable. It's so painfully true that it's possible to feel alone in a room full of people. I stood in a tent of thousands, feeling so isolated and distant from everything. There are many reasons I chose not to engage fully - and I do believe for the most part it was a choice. I guess in many ways the isolation I am consequently feeling is self inflicted. I do such a great job of pretending, that no-one knows what's truly in my heart right now, which makes writing this blog post an interesting task. I was scared of being vulnerable, both physically and emotionally. I wanted to stand for prayer many a time, but the fear of standing and fainting held me back. The one time I started to respond, I disengaged at the first sign of feeling poorly. I was also fearful of crying in front of my team, of seeming weak, of letting them know...

A year ago: The year since diagnosis has been crazy, overwhelming, liberating and full of anger, despair, happiness and hope. It's been such a mixture but I stand here a year on, stronger than a year ago and ready for yet another year of progress (with the inevitable relapses and flares...). And in all honesty, the past year has been more of the same. I have started a new job, successfully applied to University, moved house, made new friends, seen West End shows, travelled to new cities, been part of various medical teams, seen a cousin and many friends get married. There have been so many highs, yet there's still the lows, the anger, the despair and hopelessness that comes with chronic illness. In the past year, I have learned so much and have really started to manage my health, rather than letting it manage me. I am properly compliant with my medications (most of the time) and I am far more aware of my relapse triggers. I am not any better than I was this time las...

This post initially featured on Britain's Nurses for STNBC : Just another pondering from my recent experience at the other end of the stethoscope. A couple of times a day there are the drug rounds: morning, lunch, dinner, bedtime or thereabouts. The nurses go from patient to patient dishing out the drugs that have been prescribed for that time. A system I'm sure works well, most of the time, or at least some of the time. However, what about the patients with multiple long term conditions, those with polypharmacy and a set routine at home? I am great at managing my medication (when I'm not being stubborn), I have a multi-coloured dosette box that I fill at the beginning of the week. It's great. I can identify each of my medications just by looking at it, tell you what I take it for, the dosage, and when it should be taken. So shouldn't we be giving expert patients more autonomy over their "usual" medications even when they're an inpatient...

Recently, I was unfortunately poorly enough to see life from the other end of the hospital bed. I was poorly with sepsis but due to my pre-existing condition (POTS) I was automatically a "falls risk". POTS means I am more prone to fainting than your average 22 year old, even more so when I'm poorly. However, being categorised as a falls risk would possibly have been hugely detrimental to my recovery had I not been very well educated abut autonomic dysfunction and how quickly I would become deconditioned. During my 8 days on the ward, I had plenty of time to mull over attitudes to inpatient falls. Where I work falls are seen as a very bad thing . Our morning meeting involves a reminder of how many days since our last fall and how many we've had that month. As HCA's we've had various training sessions on falls prevention and are given frequent reminders to declutter bed spaces and make sure we're doing all we can to prevent falls. We often have bays where ...

Sidenote: I've been thinking recently about whether or not to divide the Christian and nursing aspects of my blog. I've decided for the moment to keep just the one blog...for me, my faith is a huge part of who I am and I am still working out how the two run alongside each other. My faith does influence the way I care - but I would never force my views upon colleagues or patients, in fact I wouldn't tell a patient I was a Christian unless they asked. I'm currently working my way through a 30 day devotional on 1 Thessalonians called Living for Jesus. I somewhat lack discipline when it comes to reading my Bible and thus far 30 days has actually been 5 weeks and I'm only on day 10. However, the important bit is that I'm persevering and keep coming back to it. Today's study was about Jesus speaking to us through God's word and it got me thinking about how God speaks to me. Firstly, I would imagine the feeling of "God speaking to you" is very dif...

Tonight, Si Larkin preached at St Peter's - it's the first time I've heard him preach and it hit me hard. It made me reflect on similar preaches I've heard in the past and equally, how it applies to my life today. Who am I? I am Laura, a 22 year old healthcare assistant - soon to be a student nurse. I am fat. I love babies, singing and naps. I have autonomic dysfunction. I am a burden and a failure. I am a daughter, a cousin, a grandaughter, a sister, a friend and a colleague. I am a volunteer. I am ugly. I have yucky feet. I am flabby. I have stretchmarks. I am too tall. I bite my nails. I am short sighted. Some of that is factual, some of it is my opinion of myself but what does the Bible say about my identity? "Therefore, since I have been justified through faith, I have peace with God through my Lord Jesus Christ, through whom I have gained access by faith into this grace in which I now stand. And I rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." - T...

I initially wrote this blog post for STNBC and Britain's Nurses...you can view it on their site with a clicky here . Recently, I had one of those shifts where I got glimpses of my future as a student and then a staff nurse...a shift where I fulfilled my role as an HCA but also caught glimpses of my future roles. I was working with some of my favourite nurses - it was a busy day, but in a nice way that made the shift pass. These nurses are my favourites because they're my friends, however they're also my favourites because they can see my potential and treat me with respect - not just as their skivvy. On this day, I helped with washes, filled in food charts, assisted patients to mobilise, made trips to pharmacy and pathology. But I also got to help with catheterisation, to place an NG tube, to change a dressing. I did nothing above my role but just getting to experience these procedures - to lend a simple hand holding a leg, holding the patients hand and reassuring - I...

"The biggest problem I have is learning to listen to what my body's telling me and making the appropriate decision and acting upon it." - Oli Lewington Recently, I lost the balance quite spectacularly. I've been feeling relatively healthy - all things are relative when it comes to chronic illness. So I let things slip - I became a little less vigilant with medications, a little less strict with rest days, I did a little more living and a lot less illness management. For weeks now, I've known I'm in trouble. I've been totally exhausted but scared to stop in case it all fell apart. Turns out...eventually you'll be forced to stop. And when the decision was made to be signed off sick, I have never felt so relieved and gutted in equal parts. I hate being sick. I like being busy. I hate resting, I hate taking medication, I hate so much about having a chronic illness. However, a few days of true rest and I'm getting there. Coming back to the und...

Once again, Eating Disorders Awareness Week is upon us and once again, I'm breaking the silence. I refuse to hide my story, I refuse to pretend that mental health is not a massive problem in our society. I am and always will be someone who experienced disordered eating. During periods of stress, my eating can still wobble. As much as I live very much recovered - I think I will always be "in recovery". There will always be the potential for relapse. However, the more I learn about myself, the more I learn my triggers. Looking back to when I was most entrenched in my eating disorder seems odd now. I am a completely different person. I cannot contemplate how sad I must have been to have put my body through what I did. In many ways, it's like I've almost forgotten that time. I remember bits, but with time the pain fades. Every time I write about eating disorders, I realise I'm a little more recovered than the last time I did...and I am proud. Recovery was the ...

After my somewhat melancholy post the other day, I have slept, eaten, drunk and medicated to my hearts content and am feeling slightly more coherent! If you've been reading for any length of time, you'll know I have PoTS/autonomic dysfunction and that I'm pretty open about it. I could pretend I don't have a chronic illness (given for the most part it's invisible)...but what would that really achieve? So here's a few things I've learned about living with invisible illness: It's easier to say you have a heart condition than to explain PoTS. PoTS is a condition that affects my autonomic nervous system - thus affecting everything that my body should automatically regulate (blood pressure, heart rate, digestion etc.), however, trying to explain that to someone without medical knowledge is inevitably boring for them, and time consuming for me. How do you explain a condition that many doctors don't even understand?  Dry shampoo and good deodorant becomes ...

...until you're passed out on the floor. I'm having an argument with my autonomic system once more. I am angry and I am sad and IT'S NOT FAIR. It's not often that I let my illness get me down, but at the moment it is. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't do half the things I want to do. I have collapsed multiple times this week which is so unusual for me these days. Living with POTS/autonomic dysfunction is so incredibly difficult. It's hard to explain it to someone who has never lived through this. Just because I don't look sick, doesn't mean I'm not. For one - make up can do wonders! I have been feeling awful for over a week now, gradually getting worse. My energy to fight ran out about a week ago. Currently I am functioning on pride and a large amount of stubborn. Thankfully, I've survived to annual leave. Today I didn't have to get out of bed - not that I could have done if I'd tried. Tomorrow will probably be the same....

This week has been incredibly hectic at work. One of the nurses was telling me that it's the same every year - in January everyone is much sicker. Working on an acute surgical ward - our patients are often sick, but this week it's emergency buzzer after emergency buzzer and the majority of them have been genuine. The critical care outreach team and ITU registrar might as well permanently move in they've been up to us so much. So after a busy and stressful week, on my final shift before a run of annual leave I got sent to support another ward who were short staffed. Now, I present myself as confident and self assured. The reality? I think I am crap at my job, I'm kind of just waiting for this bubble to burst and Matron to sack me. Now I *know* that's not the truth, because my colleagues tell me otherwise but it's how I feel. I am however, becoming more confident. I am comfortable in my own environment, I know the routine, the little jobs I can occupy myself w...

My first two shifts of 2014 have been challenging. Same story that is repeated in hospitals all over the country, not enough staff, too many patients. I like to give my best to my patients and it makes me frustrated when I can't do that. It's the "little things" that get missed when we're busy - the aqueous cream on someone's dry feet, the shower over a wash, the hair wash and French plait for a woman who normally takes great pride in her looks - the things that aren't "necessary" but make a patient feel good! In the past 2 days I changed incontinent patients 12 times (and that's just the bedbound ones...), I am bruised from where a scared patient grabbed my hand and arm so tightly, I didn't do lots of my HCA jobs - stuff like checking the sharps bins aren't full - because there just wasn't time. Yesterday, I didn't pee for my entire shift and came home incredibly dehydrated - because there just wasn't time....