It's the most wonderful time of the year...
Curled up on the sofa having almost completed my mission to survive the "most wonderful time of year". This year, Christmas has been a real challenge for me. About a month ago now, I had a meltdown at work and was signed off with stress, depression and anxiety. This would suck at any time of year, but poses a particular challenge when there is endless pressure to be jolly and merry! I am no stranger to anxiety and depression, having experienced mental health issues throughout my teenage years, but this wobble has been incredibly difficult to overcome (and I'm by no means there yet).
Now don't get me wrong...there have been some incredible moments this Christmas, to name but a few I have relieved my childhood by dressing up as an angel for the Kids Church nativity, I have been blessed with many incredible presents and seen family I don't often see. I've also spent time with close friends and some of my favourite little people. I've ice skated and made Christmas cards.
I am not ungrateful this Christmas time, I know I am blessed and I know that my life is far from awful - but that doesn't take away the fact I am currently suffering from relatively severe anxiety and depression.
So which came first? The anxiety or the depression?
I think, looking back, my anxiety has been gradually worsening since earlier in the year. I then felt humiliated (rightly or wrongly) at Soul Survivor and have since relapsed with my eating disorder which has heightened my anxiety massively. This has culminated in me shying away from social occasions and general life, leaving me feeling isolated, lonely and ultimately depressed.
My anxiety and depression has been greatly compounded by working in a stressful environment. It was only recently that the Nursing Times released a new report on stress levels at work making nurses ill. 48.42% of nurses felt they were under significantly more pressure at work that this time 12 months ago. That's almost half. And I am definitely one of that 48%. As things stand I'm due to go back to work on January 1st and the decision over whether or not I do so is very much in my hands.
I'm currently reading "Becoming Nursey" by Kati Kleber (author of http://www.nurseeyeroll.com/) and although it is somewhat American, I can also relate to much of what she says. One quote that particulary stood out to me today was this:
"It's hard to care for your patients if you are not caring for yourself"
Just prior to being signed off sick, I wasn't looking after myself. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping and I could barely make it to work, let alone anywhere else. So what's changed since being signed off?
I've been once again given some TLC by the wonderful Rich and Ruth - for a week I had regular meals, I actually slept most nights, I went to church and worshipped for the first time in a while and was generally in a safe place to struggle. I've been to church in Brighton too - admittedly still only to serve but even just getting to church is a step in the right direction. I have diazepam to take if and when my anxiety is too much to bear. Initially I was taking it regularly, but I'm trying to build up the amount of anxiety I can tolerate and am having the odd diazepam free day now. Most days I'm just needing a one off dose in the evening when my anxiety tends to be at it's worst. I have faced what is a very stressful time of year for most people and got through it in one piece, which is an achievement all on its own.
Throughout my time off work, I have been plagued with guilt about leaving the ward short at Christmas but am fully aware that I could not continue in the place I was in. But how do I decide when the time is right to go back? Do I listen to my head? Do listen to my heart, my friends, family, colleagues? Who do I trust to know that I can bare the stress of being back on the ward. I am far from fixed, and it's becoming very apparent that this "slight" wobble is going to take many months to come back from - but I cannot hide from the reality of daily life until then.
I want to care for people. But I need to care for myself. And right now, I don't seem to be doing a very good job at either.
Now don't get me wrong...there have been some incredible moments this Christmas, to name but a few I have relieved my childhood by dressing up as an angel for the Kids Church nativity, I have been blessed with many incredible presents and seen family I don't often see. I've also spent time with close friends and some of my favourite little people. I've ice skated and made Christmas cards.
So which came first? The anxiety or the depression?
I think, looking back, my anxiety has been gradually worsening since earlier in the year. I then felt humiliated (rightly or wrongly) at Soul Survivor and have since relapsed with my eating disorder which has heightened my anxiety massively. This has culminated in me shying away from social occasions and general life, leaving me feeling isolated, lonely and ultimately depressed.
My anxiety and depression has been greatly compounded by working in a stressful environment. It was only recently that the Nursing Times released a new report on stress levels at work making nurses ill. 48.42% of nurses felt they were under significantly more pressure at work that this time 12 months ago. That's almost half. And I am definitely one of that 48%. As things stand I'm due to go back to work on January 1st and the decision over whether or not I do so is very much in my hands.
I'm currently reading "Becoming Nursey" by Kati Kleber (author of http://www.nurseeyeroll.com/) and although it is somewhat American, I can also relate to much of what she says. One quote that particulary stood out to me today was this:
"It's hard to care for your patients if you are not caring for yourself"
Just prior to being signed off sick, I wasn't looking after myself. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping and I could barely make it to work, let alone anywhere else. So what's changed since being signed off?
I've been once again given some TLC by the wonderful Rich and Ruth - for a week I had regular meals, I actually slept most nights, I went to church and worshipped for the first time in a while and was generally in a safe place to struggle. I've been to church in Brighton too - admittedly still only to serve but even just getting to church is a step in the right direction. I have diazepam to take if and when my anxiety is too much to bear. Initially I was taking it regularly, but I'm trying to build up the amount of anxiety I can tolerate and am having the odd diazepam free day now. Most days I'm just needing a one off dose in the evening when my anxiety tends to be at it's worst. I have faced what is a very stressful time of year for most people and got through it in one piece, which is an achievement all on its own.
Throughout my time off work, I have been plagued with guilt about leaving the ward short at Christmas but am fully aware that I could not continue in the place I was in. But how do I decide when the time is right to go back? Do I listen to my head? Do listen to my heart, my friends, family, colleagues? Who do I trust to know that I can bare the stress of being back on the ward. I am far from fixed, and it's becoming very apparent that this "slight" wobble is going to take many months to come back from - but I cannot hide from the reality of daily life until then.
I want to care for people. But I need to care for myself. And right now, I don't seem to be doing a very good job at either.
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