Steady My Heart.

Today, I stood in a supermarket and cried. I walked the aisles of my Sainsbury's Local for nearly an hour before choosing some food for dinner. I thought those days were behind me. It was a sharp reminder that recovery is not linear and that no matter how good things are? Recovery is fragile. It takes effort and perseverance. I wouldn't say I've relapsed - far from it. I'm acutely aware that I have let things slip and I'm aware of what I need to do to keep on top of it. It's just hard work to actually put that into practice. So what do you do, when you're stood in Sainsbury's crying? You get your head down and get on with the task in hand. Food is not an optional extra in life, it is a necessity and if I let it be...an enjoyable one. Eventually, I put some worship music on and purchased something I would actually find tasty. Tonight...sweet chilli and lime chicken salad with salt and pepper croutons. Part of my current problem is that I'm loo

At 22, I have seen more dead or dying people in the past month than most people see in a life time.    Don't get me wrong...I love patient care and I even love end of life care, but I am tired. So very tired. I am tired of being short staffed, I am tired of feeling inadequate, I am tired of trying my hardest and still feeling like it's not good enough. It scares me that at 22 I am tired, yet I'm hopefully dedicating the rest of my life to healthcare. I think work has become the outlet of my stress right now. Work feels like the one big thing in my life that is stressful and unbearable. However, I think the more likely scenario is that I'm bottling up lots of little stressors which means my resilience for tough stuff at work is zilch. I don't remember the last shift I made it through without crying before, during or after.  I love my job. I know I love my job. So what else has gone wrong that means work is so hard right now? Physically, I have been on and off