Rose-tinted Glasses.
Today, I stood in a supermarket and cried. I walked the aisles of my Sainsbury's Local for nearly an hour before choosing some food for dinner. I thought those days were behind me. It was a sharp reminder that recovery is not linear and that no matter how good things are? Recovery is fragile. It takes effort and perseverance. I wouldn't say I've relapsed - far from it. I'm acutely aware that I have let things slip and I'm aware of what I need to do to keep on top of it. It's just hard work to actually put that into practice.
So what do you do, when you're stood in Sainsbury's crying?
You get your head down and get on with the task in hand. Food is not an optional extra in life, it is a necessity and if I let it be...an enjoyable one. Eventually, I put some worship music on and purchased something I would actually find tasty. Tonight...sweet chilli and lime chicken salad with salt and pepper croutons.
Part of my current problem is that I'm looking back with rose-tinted glasses. I'm looking back on a few years ago and seeing a thin, happy, confident 18 year old...despite the fact that nothing could be further from the truth!
In reality, I was miserable. I was cold all the time, even on the hottest days I would spend my free periods curled up under my duvet at home. My timetable was dictated by GP appts and CPN appts and hiding that from the rest of the world. I slept all the time because I didn't have energy for anything else and at least if I was asleep, I couldn't think about the hunger. My skin was pale and dry, my eyes and hair were dull. I avoided socialising because socialising meant food. I caused myself huge pain, drinking boiling water so as to make eating difficult. The atrocities I inflicted on myself were not signs of a happy 18 year old in the slightest. Yes, I have some happy memories from that time, but anorexia played no role in that happiness.
The problem with restriction though...is that intially, it makes you euphoric. I could go into the science of it, but my brain is too fried right now. The euphoria lasts long enough that you get yourself stuck. Stuck back in a cycle of restriction, of eating less than the day before, eating enough to function but not enough to maintain your weight.I realised things were going a bit pear shaped when the familiar gnaw of hunger began to comfort me, rather than reminding me to eat.
So, where do I go from here?
1. I tell people. I've kind of touched the surface here, but in real life I have a couple of people who will keep me accountable and I know I could talk to if I wanted.
2. Deal with the cause of the wobble. There are some pretty specific things that have caused me to wobble, I know what they are and at some point will chat over my options for dealing with them and moving on.
3. Just keep eating. I can eat and I can enjoy food. I'm currently at a point where it's totally my choice what happens. I can choose to be disciplined and eat, or I can choose to let things slip.
4. Surround myself with the people I love, fill up my free time with fun and laughter, to minimise the time spent dwelling on the past.
5. And possibly most importantly of all? I can lean on my faith and try to remember how God sees me:
God gives me power when I am worn out and strength when I am weak (Isaiah 40:29). With God in my life, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). I can never be separated from the love of God (Romans 8:35-39). As I draw near to God, he draws near to me (James 4:8). I do not fear because God strengthens me (Isaiah 41:10).
So what do you do, when you're stood in Sainsbury's crying?
You get your head down and get on with the task in hand. Food is not an optional extra in life, it is a necessity and if I let it be...an enjoyable one. Eventually, I put some worship music on and purchased something I would actually find tasty. Tonight...sweet chilli and lime chicken salad with salt and pepper croutons.
In reality, I was miserable. I was cold all the time, even on the hottest days I would spend my free periods curled up under my duvet at home. My timetable was dictated by GP appts and CPN appts and hiding that from the rest of the world. I slept all the time because I didn't have energy for anything else and at least if I was asleep, I couldn't think about the hunger. My skin was pale and dry, my eyes and hair were dull. I avoided socialising because socialising meant food. I caused myself huge pain, drinking boiling water so as to make eating difficult. The atrocities I inflicted on myself were not signs of a happy 18 year old in the slightest. Yes, I have some happy memories from that time, but anorexia played no role in that happiness.
The problem with restriction though...is that intially, it makes you euphoric. I could go into the science of it, but my brain is too fried right now. The euphoria lasts long enough that you get yourself stuck. Stuck back in a cycle of restriction, of eating less than the day before, eating enough to function but not enough to maintain your weight.I realised things were going a bit pear shaped when the familiar gnaw of hunger began to comfort me, rather than reminding me to eat.
So, where do I go from here?
1. I tell people. I've kind of touched the surface here, but in real life I have a couple of people who will keep me accountable and I know I could talk to if I wanted.
2. Deal with the cause of the wobble. There are some pretty specific things that have caused me to wobble, I know what they are and at some point will chat over my options for dealing with them and moving on.
3. Just keep eating. I can eat and I can enjoy food. I'm currently at a point where it's totally my choice what happens. I can choose to be disciplined and eat, or I can choose to let things slip.
4. Surround myself with the people I love, fill up my free time with fun and laughter, to minimise the time spent dwelling on the past.
5. And possibly most importantly of all? I can lean on my faith and try to remember how God sees me:
God gives me power when I am worn out and strength when I am weak (Isaiah 40:29). With God in my life, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). I can never be separated from the love of God (Romans 8:35-39). As I draw near to God, he draws near to me (James 4:8). I do not fear because God strengthens me (Isaiah 41:10).
Hello, my name is child of the one true King
I've been saved, I've been changed, and I have been set free
"Amazing Grace" is the song I sing
Hello, my name is child of the one true King
I've been saved, I've been changed, and I have been set free
"Amazing Grace" is the song I sing
Hello, my name is child of the one true King
Comments
Post a Comment