"I know I've got nothing left"

At 22, I have seen more dead or dying people in the past month than most people see in a life time. 
 Don't get me wrong...I love patient care and I even love end of life care, but I am tired. So very tired. I am tired of being short staffed, I am tired of feeling inadequate, I am tired of trying my hardest and still feeling like it's not good enough. It scares me that at 22 I am tired, yet I'm hopefully dedicating the rest of my life to healthcare.

I think work has become the outlet of my stress right now. Work feels like the one big thing in my life that is stressful and unbearable. However, I think the more likely scenario is that I'm bottling up lots of little stressors which means my resilience for tough stuff at work is zilch. I don't remember the last shift I made it through without crying before, during or after. 

I love my job. I know I love my job. So what else has gone wrong that means work is so hard right now?

Physically, I have been on and off antibiotics like a yoyo in the past month. I had a chest infection and feel utterly wiped out by it. I'm really struggling with plantar fascitis and it's making walking anywhere painful (...by the end of a 12 hour shift it's really quite unbearable). 

Emotionally? The black dog in my life is really rather big right now. Life is good, yet I am plagued with this overwhelming melancholy. I am tearful, I am self loathing, my brain is full of yuck. I know it'll probably pass but I'm impatient. I hate to admit that I'm struggling, it feels like a weakness, so I hide it and hide it and hide it and I just want to snap. There are so many things that have built up to this point and I've told a couple of people a few bits here and there but no-one knows the full story and then I find myself trapped.   

Spiritually...I'm doing the right things. I'm reading my Bible, I'm praying, I'm going to church both to serve and to just be there. Yet, I feel so utterly distant. I cannot feel God near at all. I *know* he won't forsake or abandon me, yet I can't feel Him right now. I don't doubt my faith, I just wish it wasn't so hard. 

 Professionally, we are short staffed, I've had a particularly tough run of shifts with difficult, poorly or dying patients. There is very little to be done about staffing and I can't exactly change our patient group. I do however need to change my attitude. As a collective, many of the HCA's on my ward are feeling pretty demoralised right now and we seriously need some enthusiasm back. I need to get my head down and do my best for the patients I have contact with on that particular day, without stressing about things that are beyond my control (ie. the system as a whole).

Tonight, I feel at the end of my rope, but I'm taking grip and holding on for dear life. It won't always feel this tough, I won't always feel so distant, I won't always be so tired. 




I try to catch my breath
It hasn't happened yet
I'm wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death
So I prayed God, would You make this stop
Father please hold on to me, You're all I've got

Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now

Jesus calm my heart
Come near me please
Lord don't let these worries get the best of me
Oh I believe, that You're still here with me
Cause You meant what You said when You said You'd never leave

Carry me
God carry me
Carry me
God carry me

I'm at the end of myself
I know I've got nothing left
Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death
And I've been down here so long
I just can't find my way out
Oh God I don't stand a chance
Unless You carry me now
God carry me now

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