Going back.

So, I'm going back to work on Thursday. I am both petrified and excited. I miss my colleagues and I miss patients. Equally though, I am still very much stuck with the delights of anxiety and depression. Deciding to go back is a bit of an odd decision because I'm really having to trust that I'm not doing it alone, I'm doing it with the support of friends, family, my GP and ultimately my faith in Jesus.

Realistically, it could take months for me to get back to my normal self and I need to continue with normal life as much as possible in the meantime. There's no point getting three months down the line and being anxiety free but purely because I'm avoiding all of the situations that make me anxious.

In my mission to manage my anxiety rather than just wish it was gone, I spent yesterday joining a gym and starting to get on top of my to do list. Feeling overwhelmed by life is a huge trigger for my anxiety so having an outlet is good, as is stopping avoiding the things that need doing - as it just becomes more overwhelming the longer you leave it. I've started to fill in my 2015 calendar, and get on top of my Uni. paperwork...little steps that make a big difference to my overall anxiety.

I need to be strict but gentle with myself in the coming weeks. I need to make realistic plans and stick to them. And what I need most of all? To enter 2015 with renewed faith that Jesus is for me, that he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, that despite the tears that seem to be lasting for an endless night? Joy will come in the morning.

This year, I won't be spending New Year's Eve getting drunk or watching fireworks. I'll be with my journal and my Bible and my worship music, focussing my sights back on the only one who can sustain me and get me through this. I probably won't even see midnight (given I start work at 7am the next morning!) but I am desperate to be close to Him again, not just to know Him, but to feel His love and His comfort and His strength guiding me through this mess.


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