Who Am I?


Tonight, Si Larkin preached at St Peter's - it's the first time I've heard him preach and it hit me hard. It made me reflect on similar preaches I've heard in the past and equally, how it applies to my life today.

Who am I?

I am Laura, a 22 year old healthcare assistant - soon to be a student nurse. I am fat. I love babies, singing and naps. I have autonomic dysfunction. I am a burden and a failure. I am a daughter, a cousin, a grandaughter, a sister, a friend and a colleague. I am a volunteer. I am ugly. I have yucky feet. I am flabby. I have stretchmarks. I am too tall. I bite my nails. I am short sighted.

Some of that is factual, some of it is my opinion of myself but what does the Bible say about my identity?

"Therefore, since I have been justified through faith, I have peace with God through my Lord Jesus Christ, through whom I have gained access by faith into this grace in which I now stand. And I rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." - Taken from Romans 5:1-2

This is a transforming truth...but what does it mean for me?

It means that I am a child of the King, I am righteous and blameless - because Jesus paid for my sin on the cross. It means I have nothing to prove...to myself, to others, to God. It means that my weight, my appearance, my social standing and popularity are neither here nor there.

But then comes the bit I struggle with...actually letting my identity be solely in God. Ironically, during the worship session prior to the preach I fainted. Not exactly a rare occurrence but definitely not something that happens every week! I find it incredibly hard to stop my identity drifting into that of "a sick person". I am so much more than my illness...yet it consumes so much of my time, it's there every day and I can't escape it. Even when I'm "well" I still take around 20 pills a day, I still have to be careful what I eat, I still have to drink plenty and rest enough to prevent relapse. Even when I'm "well", I'm still ill. And it quite frankly SUCKS. It's not fair and I get so angry at being in this situation. Most of the time, I am at peace with my diagnosis and manage living with a long term condition relatively well. Occasionally however, I have a bit of a meltdown because I could be so much more than this. I don't want to spend my days off resting, I don't want to have to remember to fill my dosette boxes, I don't want to pretend I'm great when actually I'm in pain and exhausted. There are good days and bad days but there is never any real respite from having POTS.

It's hard to remind myself that my identity is in the cross, not in my wonky autonomic nervous system. This week, I'm going to challenge myself to read the above verse...maybe I'll even stick it to my mirror. To remind myself that I am so much more than illness.


"Therefore, since I have been justified through faith, I have peace with God through my Lord Jesus Christ, through whom I have gained access by faith into this grace in which I now stand. And I rejoice in the hope of the glory of God."

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