Disengaged.
I've just spent 12 days in my safe place. The place I go to engage with God on a deeper level than usual and I have returned feeling utterly miserable. It's so painfully true that it's possible to feel alone in a room full of people. I stood in a tent of thousands, feeling so isolated and distant from everything.
There are many reasons I chose not to engage fully - and I do believe for the most part it was a choice. I guess in many ways the isolation I am consequently feeling is self inflicted. I do such a great job of pretending, that no-one knows what's truly in my heart right now, which makes writing this blog post an interesting task.
I was scared of being vulnerable, both physically and emotionally. I wanted to stand for prayer many a time, but the fear of standing and fainting held me back. The one time I started to respond, I disengaged at the first sign of feeling poorly. I was also fearful of crying in front of my team, of seeming weak, of letting them know things aren't necessarily what they seem.
Andy Croft use a great castle analogy at Soul Survivor. I might let people inside the boundary wall...I may even let someone inside the castle itself, but nobody ever gets inside my Keep. I'm not sure that there is a single person at the moment that truly knows my heart (except Jesus) and that's hard.
So, from this place of utter loneliness where do I go?
I take small steps and reach out to Jesus and to people I know who are good for my soul. I've picked up my Bible again, been listening to worship music and today I went up on the downs in the wind and the rain with Anna. With her I had a few hours freedom from fear, from worry, from shame. I was able to cartwheel my way across the downs in the knowledge that I had a friend and I wasn't alone.
“But you, Israel, are my servant. You’re Jacob, my first choice, descendants of my good friend Abraham. I pulled you in from all over the world, called you in from every dark corner of the earth, Telling you, ‘You’re my servant, serving on my side. I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.’ Don’t panic. I’m with you. There’s no need to fear for I’m your God. I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you. I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you."
Isaiah 41:8-10 (emphasis added)
There are many reasons I chose not to engage fully - and I do believe for the most part it was a choice. I guess in many ways the isolation I am consequently feeling is self inflicted. I do such a great job of pretending, that no-one knows what's truly in my heart right now, which makes writing this blog post an interesting task.
I was scared of being vulnerable, both physically and emotionally. I wanted to stand for prayer many a time, but the fear of standing and fainting held me back. The one time I started to respond, I disengaged at the first sign of feeling poorly. I was also fearful of crying in front of my team, of seeming weak, of letting them know things aren't necessarily what they seem.
Andy Croft use a great castle analogy at Soul Survivor. I might let people inside the boundary wall...I may even let someone inside the castle itself, but nobody ever gets inside my Keep. I'm not sure that there is a single person at the moment that truly knows my heart (except Jesus) and that's hard.
So, from this place of utter loneliness where do I go?
I take small steps and reach out to Jesus and to people I know who are good for my soul. I've picked up my Bible again, been listening to worship music and today I went up on the downs in the wind and the rain with Anna. With her I had a few hours freedom from fear, from worry, from shame. I was able to cartwheel my way across the downs in the knowledge that I had a friend and I wasn't alone.
“But you, Israel, are my servant. You’re Jacob, my first choice, descendants of my good friend Abraham. I pulled you in from all over the world, called you in from every dark corner of the earth, Telling you, ‘You’re my servant, serving on my side. I’ve picked you. I haven’t dropped you.’ Don’t panic. I’m with you. There’s no need to fear for I’m your God. I’ll give you strength. I’ll help you. I’ll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you."
Isaiah 41:8-10 (emphasis added)
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