A heart that loves to hide.

"Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine

 'Cause love can heal what hurt divides 

And mercy's waiting on the other side 

If we're honest 

If we're honest" 

 I've tried so many times to blog in the past few weeks...but I pride myself on authenticity and everything I've written has felt like a lie. In the words of Francesca Battistelli...I have "a heart that loves to hide" and it particularly loves to hide when things get tough, when I haven't got it all as together as it might seem. For a few weeks now, I've been floundering somewhat, treading water but not really staying afloat.

If we're honest, my mental health leaves a lot to be desired right now.
If we're honest, despite the fact that life is a lot of fun right now, life is also really hard.
If we're honest, I may be eating, but my body image is worse than ever.
If we're honest, I feel totally unworthy and unlovable.
If we're honest, I am really really tired of it all.

If we're honest though...none of us have it all together, all the time. We're all broken, some of us just hide it better than others. However, being honest doesn't mean I have to tell everyone the nitty gritty painful bits. It's about reaching out to a few good friends and telling them you're not okay. It's about putting things into place to stop the situation getting any worse. And most of all? It's about being honest with God.

He knows my heart, yet still I try to hide it from Him. I sit and do my quiet time, yet all the while trying to hide the ugliness inside of me. The negativity, the self hatred, the bitchiness and intolerance... I try to compartmentalise it and keep it from God, when really? The thing I really need right now is Him. I need to cry, I need to let myself hurt and heal. I need to feel His loving comfort and His peace.

"Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

In her book God Loves Ugly, Christa Black sums up beautifully what I can't quite articulate:  

"Being loved continuously when you believe that you're unlovable is like throwing salt on a wound. It stings like acid. You want it desperately, instinctively knowing deep down you were wired to need it. But the more love given, the more unworthy of love you behave.”

I really don't like the person I am when depression is nipping at my heels. I become needy yet at the same time push people away when they offer support. I become trapped in a cycle of desperation for love yet feeling utterly unlovable...even if I *know* that God tells me otherwise.

"The lie that I was unworthy, unlovable, tarnished and dirty crippled me for years to come, even though it wasn't remotely true."

So tonight...I lay my secrets down at the cross. I bring my brokenness and lay it down before Him. I will journal the painful bits, the ugly bits, the stuff I don't want people to know. And for the first night in a long time, I will got to bed, knowing that beauty can still be found, even in the midst of the storm.