Finding the Balance.

"The biggest problem I have is learning to listen to what my body's telling me and making the appropriate decision and acting upon it." - Oli Lewington

Recently, I lost the balance quite spectacularly. I've been feeling relatively healthy - all things are relative when it comes to chronic illness. So I let things slip - I became a little less vigilant with medications, a little less strict with rest days, I did a little more living and a lot less illness management. For weeks now, I've known I'm in trouble. I've been totally exhausted but scared to stop in case it all fell apart. Turns out...eventually you'll be forced to stop. And when the decision was made to be signed off sick, I have never felt so relieved and gutted in equal parts.

I hate being sick. I like being busy. I hate resting, I hate taking medication, I hate so much about having a chronic illness. However, a few days of true rest and I'm getting there. Coming back to the understanding that to prevent my identity being in chronic illness, I have to manage it well. And I can do that. I can work full time, I can socialise, I can enjoy life but only if I manage the illness.

So this evening has involved formulating a plan of action:

1. A strict timetable for the next few weeks at least. Structured rest, 3 meals a day, 4 medication slots, focussing on the bare basics of going to work and starting to build stamina back up. 

2. Someone to be accountable too - most probably Anna as we chat everyday. She knows me inside out and knows how to motivate me.

3. Quiet time. For me, I've lost my identity a bit - I've become a "sick person" rather than Laura - a person who loves Jesus and babies and nursing. I need to refocus my identity back in my faith by trying to have regular quiet time. I'm using a 30 day devotional - hopefully having something short and structured each day will provide the routine I need. 

4. Learning to listen to my body once more. I have a chronic illness, it means I cannot always do everything I want to. I need to prioritise and plan ahead. 

5. Being open with work rather than pretending to be superwoman

6. Make a long term to do list - stuff that I don't feel pressured to get done right this second, but allows me to feel in control of all the things that need to be done in the near future. 

5 months from now I should be embarking on life as a student nurse. This is a very realistic dream as long as I can show I can look after myself and keep myself well enough. If that's not motivation to kickstart the process...then I don't know what is!

TTFN x