Steady My Heart.

As I write this, it is 04.29 on a Saturday morning and it's one of those morning's when I feel totally broken. Living with a chronic illness is harder than I ever imagined, if you add a mental health wobble into the mix? Well you end up, sat awake at 04.29 feeling both physically and emotionally broken. I feel incredibly distant in my faith right now and am finding it difficult to engage, but nonetheless I know that perseverance is key. I know Jesus is with me, even though right now I struggle to feel Him. The early hours of a Saturday morning seems as good a time as any to catch up on one of the preaches that's been sat in my bookmarks for my months than I like to admit! This particular talk was given by Jules Jacob and was entitled "How to deal with anxiety" . "The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life."  John 10:10 (NLT) The second part is what Jesus wants for my life but right no...

My delightful eating disorder has reared it's ugly head well and truly recently and along with it a whirlpool of irrational thoughts and feelings. I am yet to decide which is worse...being irrational and not realising, or knowing that your thoughts are irrational yet feeling powerless to change it. I'm keeping a vague handle on things, having dropped 13kg fairly rapidly my weight is now stable. But the weight is just a symptom of inner turmoil. I've lost the enjoyment in food once more. I'm back to all or nothing and it's very difficult to keep myself on a stable, even keel. I'm eating a relatively healthy diet - full of cucumber and houmous, ryvita and light soft cheese, home made soup, salad and greek yoghurt but my "safe" diet has become incredibly limited once more. I can and will eat other meals - but they leave me feeling fat and guilty Being irrationally rational quite frankly sucks. I know one thing to be true, whilst I feel s...

At the beginning of the year, I posted about a shift on another ward and how I was so relieved to return to my own ward, how I felt out of my comfort zone, how the grass isn't always greener elsewhere! However, in the past fortnight I have worked two shifts on a different ward to my usual and have LOVED it. So what was different? Firstly, people introduced themselves. It seems so simple - but knowing peoples names makes you feel part of the team. I honestly think it should be compulsory for all healthcare workers to wear a visible name badge. If it's hard as a member of staff in a strange environment, I cannot imagine how daunting it must be for patients, particularly when then staff change from shift to shift. Secondly, back in January, I was very much in a honeymoon period regarding my job. My enthusiasm was boundless and I thought my ward was faultless. 9 months down the line and I have matured in my role and also come to the realisation that no ward is perfect - we a...

I recently wrote a guest post for Digital Worship in which I highlighted that social media is not a replacement for real life friendships and support . Simultaneously, I was really struggling with being alone. I moved house at the end of September and as much as I enjoy my own space, it has been incredibly lonely in the interim before the other girls move in. For a variety of reasons, things have been a bit wobbly recently but this has definitely been compounded by spending too much time alone. For a week or so, my good friend Rich has been rather persistently trying to get me to visit or allow him to come and visit me. Even using said blog post to point out that I knew what I needed, as much as I was denying myself it! This weekend, I eventually relented and he came to spend the weekend in Brighton, it may not have fixed everything but it definitely meant I got some TLC and had to think a little less about looking after myself. Aside from getting locked out of the house, it was a...

"Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine  'Cause love can heal what hurt divides  And mercy's waiting on the other side  If we're honest  If we're honest"   I've tried so many times to blog in the past few weeks...but I pride myself on authenticity and everything I've written has felt like a lie. In the words of Francesca Battistelli...I have "a heart that loves to hide" and it particularly loves to hide when things get tough, when I haven't got it all as together as it might seem. For a few weeks now, I've been floundering somewhat, treading water but not really staying afloat. If we're honest , my mental health leaves a lot to be desired right now. If we're honest , despite the fact that life is a lot of fun right now, life is also really hard. If we're honest , I may be eating, but my body image is worse than ever. If we're honest , I feel totally unworthy and unlovable. If we...

Today, I stood in a supermarket and cried. I walked the aisles of my Sainsbury's Local for nearly an hour before choosing some food for dinner. I thought those days were behind me. It was a sharp reminder that recovery is not linear and that no matter how good things are? Recovery is fragile. It takes effort and perseverance. I wouldn't say I've relapsed - far from it. I'm acutely aware that I have let things slip and I'm aware of what I need to do to keep on top of it. It's just hard work to actually put that into practice. So what do you do, when you're stood in Sainsbury's crying? You get your head down and get on with the task in hand. Food is not an optional extra in life, it is a necessity and if I let it be...an enjoyable one. Eventually, I put some worship music on and purchased something I would actually find tasty. Tonight...sweet chilli and lime chicken salad with salt and pepper croutons. Part of my current problem is that I'm loo...

At 22, I have seen more dead or dying people in the past month than most people see in a life time.    Don't get me wrong...I love patient care and I even love end of life care, but I am tired. So very tired. I am tired of being short staffed, I am tired of feeling inadequate, I am tired of trying my hardest and still feeling like it's not good enough. It scares me that at 22 I am tired, yet I'm hopefully dedicating the rest of my life to healthcare. I think work has become the outlet of my stress right now. Work feels like the one big thing in my life that is stressful and unbearable. However, I think the more likely scenario is that I'm bottling up lots of little stressors which means my resilience for tough stuff at work is zilch. I don't remember the last shift I made it through without crying before, during or after.  I love my job. I know I love my job. So what else has gone wrong that means work is so hard right now? Physically, I have been on and off ...