Steady My Heart.

So it's been a while...my bad. But today is New Years Eve so it seems fitting to choose a song that has been a bit of anthem for me this year. And the winner is: Kingdom Come - Beth Croft It's a song from Soul Survivor this year and sums up my year perfectly. 2012 probably wins the award for the worst year of my life. Don't get me wrong, there have most definitely been highlights but there have been so many totally crap things happen that I'm not sad to see it go and welcome in 2013! The lyrics to this song are just perfect, this year has been so tough and at times it has felt so hopeless, but I'm still here, I still have most of my health, I still have all of my faith. In fact, if anything my faith is stronger. Even when the waters rise/ And the waves are crashing over/ We're hard pressed on every side/ But won't give up the fight/ Surely you are holding on Father let Your Kingdom come/ Your will be done on earth/ Saviour can You hear us call/ ...

This Christmas I'll be having a fat-free Christmas. For the past few years Christmas has involved panicking about food. This year I'll be avoiding the word fat over the Christmas period. The word fat for me contains so much more than just weight...it's about feeling lazy, unloved, unworthy. It's not productive or enjoyable to spend Christmas yelling abuse at myself so this year, I will be trying my hardest to avoid "feeling fat". Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the thoughts will creep in, most days I think about being fat but for the next week or so I'm going to enjoy food, in moderation without binging, purging or restricting and it is going to be wonderful. Just a year ago I couldn't have said this, or even considered it privately but I feel that I have made SO much progress in the past year. And as much as I hate to admit it, getting properly "fat" was part of that process. It's taking me a long long time to get the weight back ...

I spent a good chunk of time tonight crying for and with the people of Connecticut. For those of you who don't tend to read the news or Twitter or Facebook or speak to anyone and have somehow missed the horrific events of today...27 people have died in a shooting in a primary school in Newtown, Connecticut, of which 20 are children between the age of 5 and 10. Photos from Reuters. The photos, the news stories, Obama's speech. I'm finding it all heart breaking. And once more raises the question of how such a loving God can allow so much suffering. I have no words, no great explanation, but what I can show you is a fantastic blogpost written after the Aurora shootings earlier this year. Marie was in that movie theatre and here's an excerpt: "Why would you think such a tragedy would make me question the goodness of God? If anything, both of my girls said it made Him a much more real presence to them; the youngest shared this verse: Do not be afraid of s...

If any of you have seen me in the past week, to the point where we've had a meaningful conversation, you will realise that I am currently extremely stressed and anxious. I see occupational health this week and they get to give the big yes or no about me going back to Uni. Now, I *know* that I am ready to go back, I know it's not going to be easy but I will sure as hell give it my best shot. I can do this. I am willing to sacrifice paid work, I'm willing to drop all other commitments to ensure I get adequate rest, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to give my body what it needs to get through an intense placement. I'm under no illusion that going on placement will be easy. It's tough even when you're 100% well. But I know I can do it, I know I can be a good teacher. If my appt. this week goes to plan I will have the go ahead to go back to Uni. The only special request I have, which might make things easier, is that my placement is relatively close by as ti...

Apologies, this is going to be completely ineloquent (is that even a word?!) but it's gone midnight, I'm watching Love Actually so I'm somewhat distracted by the lovely Colin Firth! Yesterday, I had a rubbish day. Today I decided to stay in bed to avoid a repeat of yesterday's crap day. Productive? No. But hey, I was tired and my plans got cancelled so I spent most of the day curled up under my duvet watching catch up TV. It was pleasantly interrupted by lunchtime, where Vicky and I decided to have enchiladas and dance around to Christmas music. Followed by a nap. I don't know why but I've been feeling pretty miserable the past couple of days, various stressful things have happened and I just feel tearful and yucky. So when it came to decision about whether to get up and go to Team Night tonight I umm-ed and ahh-ed for a while before deciding I probably should go. And I am SO glad I went. It was Christmas/advent themed. Liz gave a fantastic talk on light an...

Being loved and feeling loved are two different things. Objective and subjective. I am loved, but often I don't feel that way. It's something that I often have to remind myself. Today for example, I'm feeling a bit lonely, a bit sad (probably because the weather is utterly miserable and I feel fat) and consequently wanted a cuddle. Now, there are people I could have contacted to get a cuddle, to curl up and watch crap TV with but instead, I decided to spend the evening lying in bed moping. Why? Because I'm scared of being rejected, scared of people not loving me enough to come and give me that cuddle/invite me to go to theirs. I'm scared that maybe they don't love me, that maybe I am just lying to myself. And then I want to hit myself around the head, to knock some sense into my silly little brain. Just this past week I have spent time with great friends on more than one occasion and I have photographic evidence to prove it... That was Thanksgiving, we ...

Today, my house mates are on a double date in London all day. They were giggling and excited as they left this morning, ready to spend time with their other halves. Currently, I am moping, curled up under my duvet, eating far too many biscuits. I have been single for around 4 years now, I've been on the odd date, I've been through months of "crushing" on someone, knowing that it's unlikely the feelings are reciprocated and even recently, there was the potential for relationship but various factors meant that it's fizzled out and I'm well and truly back in the land of singleness. I think it becomes even more difficult in Christian circles...so many of my friends are in long-term, committed relationships, a few are engaged and some are even married. Engagement and marriage often happens relatively young among Christians and although I'm happy for my friends, I do sometimes feel like I'm a freak, like I'm never going to find someone. It's ri...