Steady My Heart.

*Apologies...post contains some swearing in quotes* An atypical eating disorder. Otherwise known as EDNOS. It can be just as life threatening as anorexia without any of the "glory" bestowed upon those with the "self control" to starve themselves. Looking over an old personal journal, I have picked out the following. The posts are over a year old but are far more articulate than I can be at the moment... I hate this no-mans-land. This week I've been a "bulimic", last week I tended more to "anorexia" but I'm obviously not very good at either and I totally fail at "healthy". Many patients who do not meet full criteria for these diseases are nevertheless quite ill, and the diagnosis they now receive, “Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified,” may delay their ability to get treatment. “It is a bit misleading to patients — it can make them feel like they don’t have a real eating disorder,” 60 percent of EDNOS patients ...

You know those songs that always make you cry? That always have meaning? Well this is one of mine. A few years back mine and my mum's relationship was in pieces. She went away for the weekend and left a note telling me to listen to this song, that it was a song she listened to around the time I was born and that it meant a lot to her. I listened to it on repeat all weekend...the lyrics are beautiful: I want to call the stars Down from the sky I want to live a day That never dies I want to change the world Only for you All the impossible I want to do I want to hold you close Under the rain I want to kiss your smile And feel the pain I know what's beautiful Looking at you In a world of lies You are the truth And baby Every time you touch me I become a hero I'll make you safe No matter where you are And give you Everything you ask for Nothing is above me I'm shining like a candle in the dark When you tell me that you love me I want to m...

BBC Article... I'm not sure I want to live past 100. In all honesty, I've never really imagined myself getting old. I'm very much living in the present and the past but rarely the future. In many ways the future scares me, life is tough (not always, but recently it has been) and I guess it's hard to potentially consider another 80 years of crap. I realise that's quite a pessimistic view and maybe now I'm feeling more hopeful this may change. I guess it's not necessarily a bad thing to live in the present. I'm enjoying my short term plans and can't wait to get back to university. One day I will be a teacher and from there who knows... One thing I do know is that I'd rather die when I still know who I am and those I love. It saddens me when I read all of the stories and statistics about Alzheimers, makes me wonder what we're sacrificing through modern medicine and longer life expectancy. Are we *meant* to live that long? I appreciate t...

Such a challenging preach this weekend...not one I wanted to hear, but a couple of people have pointed out that I *needed* to hear it. If you want to hear the full preach then clicky here . The preach will be dated 17th June and titled Breaking Point and should appear soon! The passage: 1 Samuel 27 and 1 Samuel 28:1-2 Personally I took a lot from it, and I know many others did too. So here are my highlights... 1. "If I knew how near I was, I'd never have quit" - we often give up because we can't see the end, even though it may be just moments away. It's not knowing when it will end that can make pain/suffering so excruciating - we can rationalise it when we can see the end. 2. It is never right to quit trusting God. Jesus died for me, He went through greater suffering than I will ever face, I can trust that nothing I go through is worse than what He experienced. We get burned because we put our trust in people rather than God. 3. In this ch. David trusts...

I'm no longer sure I belong in Brighton. I have been so happy and settled here but... 1. I've been getting homesick. I can't imagine moving back to Devon and won't (sorry Mum) but it's definitely proof that I'm struggling here. 2. I am working myself into the ground just to pay the rent. I can barely cover my rent let alone enjoy any of the money I earn and even if I earnt enough to enjoy it, I wouldn't have the time. 3. Broken friendships make things too painful to bear to the point where I'm avoiding any event where I may see them and am finding it increasingly difficult to go to church. 4. I'm a qualified first aider, I've done my RSM etc., I love it, yet I'm not allowed to go on duty here unless I get a diagnosis. 5. If I go back to Uni. here I'll be a year behind all of my friends. I wish I could pack up my life and go somewhere new. I wish that when I first intermitted I'd followed my gut and applied to other Uni...

"What I believed wasn't the truth, but I still lived every moment under its power. I couldn't help it. Every move that I made, every word that came out of my mouth, the way I treated people, and the way I let them treat me was a direct result of an inner list of beliefs written on the fabric of my existence. My truth was: I'm dirty. My truth was: I'm ugly. My truth was : I'm unworthy of love. So as an innocent little girl, learning the ropes of life, I did what any little girl in my position would do. I acted out what I believed to be true." Christa Black. When I opened this book I assumed it would be another cheesy "just love yourself because God loves you". It wasn't. It got to the heart of things and it was SO relatable. I believe(d) I was these derogatory things so they became my life. I've just picked out some key quotes that really spoke to me, but in general I loved the whole book. It made me cry, it made me think about the way...

"Tachycardia: A rapid heart rate, usually defined as greater than 100 beats per minute. The tachycardias include sinus tachycardia, paroxysmal atrial tachycardia (PAT), and ventricular tachycardia.  Sinus tachycardia is due to rapid firing of a normal structure called the sinoatrial (sinus) node which is the natural pacemaker of the heart. Sinus tachycardia occurs in response to exercise, exertion, excitement, pain, fever, excessive thyroid hormone, low blood oxygen (hypoxia), stimulant drugs (such as caffeine and amphetamines), etc." (From medterms.com ) Six months ago I was admitted to hospital after a collapse. Throughout my teenage years I had been suffering with these faints/episodes/blackouts/syncope/whatever my current healthcare provider wanted to title it! I had a CT scan which showed some swelling of my fourth ventricle (I think...I wasn't really that focussed on the details at the time!) in my brain. This was then followed up with a lumbar puncture and M...