Steady My Heart.

Someone asked me what was up today, that I seemed...not quite myself. My answer? This week I feel fat. Except, actually fat isn't a feeling. Fat is a word that I've wrongly replaced for so many other things. I feel tired. Between placement, work and trying to have a life I am exhausted. I've had a couple of days of sick this week and literally all I've managed is sleep, sleep and more sleep. I feel poorly. I've had a chest infection which has messed up my asthma control. I've had a couple of runs of SVT due to my potassium being low and my joint pain is horrendous (probably because less compliant with physio than usual...see above point about being tired) I feel overwhelmed. It's nearly the end of 2nd year. I still don't believe I can do this. I still cannot believe I am thriving academically and in practice - despite all the feedback I recieve. This time next year I could be qualified. This is amazing and scary and so many other th...

"There comes a point where it all becomes too much. When we get too tired to fight anymore. So we give up. That's when the real work begins. To find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all" - Grey's Anatomy I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point I became pretty despondent about life in Worcester. I think I got tired of it hurting and I just switched off. I guess the simplest way of summing it up is that I have a lot of hope for my future, but feel pretty hopeless about my present. I've written this post quite a few times and during that time my heart has changed from believing my lack of faith causes me to be hopeless, to a point where I realise that believing in hope - even when you feel hopeless - is the very definition of faith. Faith: complete trust or confidence in something based on spiritual conviction One of the times when I feel most connected with God is during sung worship; be that alone at home whilst I do the hou...

So it's be a long time since I last managed to publish anything...many a post lies in my drafts, but for fear of judgement and rejection they remain just that...and it's got me thinking. The church does long term illness so badly. I am sure there are pockets of people out there who've worked it out and do it well...but the majority of my friends with long term conditions (physical or mental) have been hurt and damaged by the church and that makes me so incredibly sad. I believe it comes from ignorance, and I hope it's not intentional so it's time for me to speak up... How do you love and care for someone who won't get better? 1.  Keep them in community.  When living with long term illness - small group may be the only social contact a person has in a week. Living with long term illness is isolating and lonely. Please don't isolate us further. 2.  Keep in contact.  A simple text can make a very big difference. We believe we are a burden and may fi...

This song has been my anthem in the past month. I am facing a lot of pain right now and trying to envision a way forward and a life beyond it. A lot of the time I can't see a way forward and ultimately, I have had to admit that I am desperately vulnerable right now. But in the midst of this desperation? I lie and listen to this on repeat. I immerse myself in the truth and the hope it offers me. "Beginning Just let that word wash over you It's alright now Love's healing hands have pulled you through So get back up, take step one Leave the darkness, feel the sun 'Cause your story's far from over And your journey's just begun" Immediately after New Wine this year I chose to actively reject God. I was so hurt by the humans and the circumstances around me that I chose to reject Him too. I chose to try and believe that He was letting me hurt and that He would hurt me too. In reality, God's love is different to the love of humans. His love...

I am having what I guess could be referred to as a "crisis of faith". After months of really struggling to cling to a faith that was faltering and a God who seemed absent I went to New Wine looking for refreshment...or even just a hint that I should keep on keeping on. Instead, I got poorly. Which quite frankly sums up my year. I feel far poorlier day to day than at this point last year and that is pretty hard to come to terms with at the age of 24. Whilst I rationally and academically don't believe God wished me to be so poorly at New Wine, the emotional side of me feels punished, forgotten, neglected. And as a result I'm finding it hard not to reject faith altogether. Since getting home I've avoided church, my bible and journal are untouched. My house is no longer filled with worship music but the faith-filled art work remains on the walls. However, despite this I have been followed by one phrase throughout the past few months... "The best is yet to come...

My name is Laura. It's the name I was given 24 years ago when I was born. But recently, through studying Ruth I've been prompted to think about all the other things I have "named" myself and defined myself with over the years. I am a nurse. A carer. Lover of babies. Reader. Saved by grace. A friend. Loved. A creative. Knitter. Chatterbox. Writer. Wonky bodied. Redeemed. Forgiven. And many more - but I am also... Fat. A burden. Ugly. A failure. Unworthy. Anxious. Depressed. And this list too could go on. I so often tend to cling to the negative names and dwell on the tough parts of life and forget the first list of things. Reading Ruth I realised I am often like Naomi...I take the name of "Mara" or bitterness. At the moment, I am physically and emotionally exhausted; my current placement on a mental health unit is really challenging me and like Naomi there are definitely times where I can't possibly imagine getting through this or how God will possi...

So my last post ended, what next? And the past month has revealed an answer to that. Since starting University (again...) in September, I've been in therapy trying to address some of the issues that keep me stuck in a cycle of  recovery and relapse with my mental health. The thing is...I am capable of living and functioning like a normal person, but that doesn't change the distressing mess that occurs inside of my brain. So, in reality - the times when I'm "recovered"? I'm actually just well enough to hide what's going on beneath the surface. That in itself has been really difficult to come to terms with. Life has been very challenging over the years and the past significantly dictates how I am currently living in the present. My dysfunctional relationship with food, my incredibly poor body image, my crippling anxiety and need to feel safe, my constant need for affirmation and reassurance, the inability to rest and just be. Next is some really hard h...

I sit at the back of church. I am broken and I am hurting but I cannot be vulnerable again. I'm tired of the same old vulnerabilty, the same old tears, the same old reassurances that "it won't always be like this"..."it's part of His plan". Whose plan? How do I trust in a plan when I feel like I'm forgotten and dying? You know when your debit card expires and you bend it back it and forth until it breaks? I feel kind of like that. I feel like expired in August 2014 and I have been irreparably changed since. I feel like I've been stretched and bent and I am in so many little broken pieces I can't ever imagine being whole again. I can't worship openly or genuinely because all that would consist of is tears. I go to church, I sing the words (sometimes), I do what others expect and want of me. Today, this evening I couldn't even honestly tell you who I'm supposed to be worshipping. Academically yes...but it has been SO long since ...

Back in October, I was helping out with Adventurers (aka children's church). I've been seriously missing my Brighton babies and this was the first time I'd got to spend with young children since moving. The topic for the morning? Does God know what will happen in my future? My group are 4 and 5 year olds and yet they amaze me with wisdom and spending time with them teaches me, as much as I hope I help to teach them. I've been meaning to write since...but life has been overwhelming and anxiety has somewhat taken hold once more. Can't sleep tonight so finally sitting down to spend sometime thinking back on what those wonderful little people taught me. As a group we were mulling over a few questions. Firstly...whether we need to worry about bad stuff happening? There were a variety of answers from making friends to worrying about having nightmares. Rather than knowing whether or not to worry - the children tended to share some of their fears and worries. And so...

Yesterday, I read this article about having cancer in your 20's and although there are some marked differences, it also in part rang true to being diagnosed and living with a life altering long term condition. For me, being diagnosed with autonomic dysfunction at the age of 20 was initially a relief - I finally had an answer, but equally? It is a diagnosis that will stick with me forever and that gives me troublesome symptoms every day. At the beginning of my 20's my life was put on hold. I lost my degree, I struggled to maintain friendships and a social life and became deeply depressed about how this illness was stealing my life before I'd even truly got started. I contemplated moving back home to live with my Mum but desperately didn't want to lose my independence. However, in not losing my independence I was thrown into the tricky world of benefits and financial hardship. I had no savings to rely on, I was sick enough not to work full time, not sick enough to qual...

I look back on certain photos from my time as a toddler and long to have that freedom once more. To lack inhibitions and fear and the "what if's" that so often overwhelm every day life seems to be a really joyful time. I obviously don't really have any clear memories from this time - but from what other people have said, I was a fairly anxious child throughout primary school. To an extent - managing anxiety is all I've ever known as it's all I can ever remember. I wonder when I made that transition from joyful toddler to anxious child. I've had my faith in God for many many years (though not quite as long as I've had my old friend anxiety!) but so often I find it hard to trust in God and allow that to alleviate my fears and anxieties. Over the past two months I've found some of that childlike faith again, upped and left Brighton to start a new chapter in Worcester surrounded by friends, closer to family and part of a fab church that I really...

First placement ended a couple of weeks back. Along with it came two assignment deadlines and an exam coupled with a giant lump of pure exhaustion and a vomiting bug. Looking back over my first placement, there were some absolutely fantastic memories - I never thought I would love stroke quite as much as I did, but the highlight definitely came on my final shift. For 8 weeks, I attended every acute stroke call that occurred on my shifts in the hope of seeing a specialist procedure called thrombolysis. A few years ago, almost everyone who had a stroke was thrombolysed, but as research has continued it's use has become more limited because it has significant risk factors and contraindications. By the final week of placement I had essentially given up on seeing the procedure...but I lost hope too soon! I arrived early for my final shift of this block to hear that a patient was in CT having had an acute deterioration overnight - probably a stroke. The patient had been assessed with...

Well, this is a fairly painful post to write... In the process of beginning my degree I have unfortunately completely and entirely lost the grip I once had on my eating disorder. Things had been wobbly since last August and I thought things were improving. Turns out, I've just completely lost perspective, unfortunate but at least now I know. This week, I've had to accept that right now although I am a healthy weight? I am well and truly back in the grips of restriction and self hatred psychologically. It just so happens that I'm not underweight...yet. I am so incredibly tired of living with an eating disorder. I long for it to be gone from my life, but the prospect of actually recovering is so utterly petrifying. I have recovered previously and know the joy of freedom around food, but right now that feels so distant and impossible. Every meal is filled with anxiety, and the voice screaming in my head that I am morbidly obese, that I am ugly, that nobody could ever love ...

My very first day of placement was actually not that memorable. I felt like I spent most of the day wandering around after others, repeatedly reminding people that I'm a first year, first placement student and I spent a significant amount of time avoiding answering the phone that was incessantly ringing! Probably the key thing that I'd reflect on now, is that in handover, nobody actually introduced themself, showed me around or explained what the hell was expected of me. Everyone was friendly enough though and I hadn't forgotten how to talk to patients so things were okay! Upon leaving, everyone said that the second day would be better and they were right! The second day became a day of many firsts. My first drug round, changing a dressing alone for the first time, writing in patients notes for the first time, answering the phone with the phrase "X ward, Student Nurse Laura speaking" for the first of many many times! I felt I really found my feet and got on well...

Following induction, I embarked on 3 weeks of intense clinical skills to prepare us for going on the wards and it was quite frankly, the most intense three weeks in my recent memory (hence the lack of posts!). Rather than dissipating, the overwhelmed feeling I spoke of in my last post grew and grew and grew. However, I equally need to remember that I love what I am doing and I am good at it (no matter what my brain says sometimes). The main things I took away from the three weeks were that my basic clinical skills are actually pretty good. I can talk to patients, I'm confident with a variety of personal care, I can take manual observations without really having to think about the process, my basic life support skills are pretty darn good. It's some of the more academic things that are proving a tad more tricksy. My anatomy and physiology knowledge leaves a lot to be desired...I know a lot and can reel of various facts and phrases but I don't actually really understand it...

A fortnight of induction is over. And I'm sat here on a Saturday morning, surrounded by paperwork, books and a wealth of online resources feeling slightly more than a tad overwhelmed. I want to be a good student. I want to be the best nurse I can possibly be. I want to read everything and do everything and be everything and know everything. Right this second. But I can't. It's a 3 year degree with a lifetime's worth of CPD for a reason. I will never know it all. It's been a fairly bitty week; admin, learning how to reference and reflect, meeting my personal tutor, and generally preparing for placement, including occupational health. I have been passed as fit for placement without any doubt or questions from my wonderful occupational health nurse. She said I look and sound like a different person to when she last saw me.This was a massive confidence boost and has reminded me that I am doing okay - I am still anxious and low at times but I am okay. I am coping and m...

It's the end of my first week as a student nurse. Times flies. In the past few months, there has honestly been times where I thought this day may never come and I'm still not entirely convinced it's really happening (especially as I'm still waiting on occupation health clearance for placement). However, I'm here and after months of depression, anxiety and tumbling back into my ED the fog is starting to lift. I've made it mostly in one piece and realised just how far I've come from the 18 year old who first started University 5 years ago. I moved to Brighton, a vulnerable 18 year old who relied solely on negative coping mechanisms, I spent my first few years in Brighton swinging from crisis to crisis, desperate for someone to save me but not willing to take any responsibility for my actions. I was doing a degree I knew was wrong for me, but too scared to do anything about it. I was angry and sad about my past and petrified of my future. Now, at nearly 23,...

When I visit Rich and Ruth, I've been along to All Saints Worcester with them to their evening gathering and recently Rich has suggested I listen to a couple of the talks Rich Johnson has done on disappointment...so far I've only listened to the first one...but maybe I 'll write on the others too! The reading came from Psalm 42:1-11 and you can listen to the full talk here . Disappointment is a constant feature in life, each and every one of us will repeatedly experience it yet, we are not great at talking about it or dealing with it. Dealing with disappointment well will allow us to grow - however, if we we don't deal with it? It will hinder and trap us. For me, life has held a fair amount of disappointment in the past few years...I was diagnosed with a life altering condition, I had to leave my degree, I've had countless hospital admissions, houses haven't turned out as I planned, family and friends have been ill and at times, life has quite f...

I'm trying to be disciplined with my Bible reading/devotional time this year and for the past 10 days I have done a devotional each and every morning. It hasn't changed me massively - I haven't had an overwhelming sense of peace or enlightenment, no fireworks have gone off, but I know that what I am reading is truth , even if I can't feel it right now. The first set of devotionals I read was 5 days about various hymns and I loved it. Music has always been the way in which I feel a most intimate connection with my faith. This devotional series was particularly perfect for me because it not only reminded me of some of my favourite hymns - it pointed me to the biblical bases of their lyrics. Having spent a year battling through what should've been a 30 day devotional on Thessalonians - it was refreshing to read something that I related to, enjoyed and was learning from. The real thing that shone out to me through the 5 days was that although these hymns are all pr...

"Meanwhile, back at my heart I'm desperate for all that You are Undo me and take me apart Meanwhile back at my soul Mend me, Lord Please make me whole" I guess somewhat linked with my most recent post on isolation, I am struggling with an utterly desperate loneliness right now. I have friends, I know I have friends but I feel surrounded by such an overwhelming loneliness. The irrational part of my brain is feeding me a constant trickle of negative thoughts. That everyone hates me, that I'm horrid and fat and ugly and that no-one could possibly love me. I know that it is probably not true, yet battling that constant train of thought 24/7 is tiresome. It's the same with my working life, a constant doubt that sits deep within me that I am not good enough . But what hurts the most? Is how utterly lonely I feel on the faith front. I know only I can change this but I feel utterly abandoned by God. Knowing He's there compared to truly feeling Him are wo...