Steady My Heart.

So it's been a while...my bad. But today is New Years Eve so it seems fitting to choose a song that has been a bit of anthem for me this year. And the winner is: Kingdom Come - Beth Croft It's a song from Soul Survivor this year and sums up my year perfectly. 2012 probably wins the award for the worst year of my life. Don't get me wrong, there have most definitely been highlights but there have been so many totally crap things happen that I'm not sad to see it go and welcome in 2013! The lyrics to this song are just perfect, this year has been so tough and at times it has felt so hopeless, but I'm still here, I still have most of my health, I still have all of my faith. In fact, if anything my faith is stronger. Even when the waters rise/ And the waves are crashing over/ We're hard pressed on every side/ But won't give up the fight/ Surely you are holding on Father let Your Kingdom come/ Your will be done on earth/ Saviour can You hear us call/ ...

This Christmas I'll be having a fat-free Christmas. For the past few years Christmas has involved panicking about food. This year I'll be avoiding the word fat over the Christmas period. The word fat for me contains so much more than just weight...it's about feeling lazy, unloved, unworthy. It's not productive or enjoyable to spend Christmas yelling abuse at myself so this year, I will be trying my hardest to avoid "feeling fat". Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the thoughts will creep in, most days I think about being fat but for the next week or so I'm going to enjoy food, in moderation without binging, purging or restricting and it is going to be wonderful. Just a year ago I couldn't have said this, or even considered it privately but I feel that I have made SO much progress in the past year. And as much as I hate to admit it, getting properly "fat" was part of that process. It's taking me a long long time to get the weight back ...

I spent a good chunk of time tonight crying for and with the people of Connecticut. For those of you who don't tend to read the news or Twitter or Facebook or speak to anyone and have somehow missed the horrific events of today...27 people have died in a shooting in a primary school in Newtown, Connecticut, of which 20 are children between the age of 5 and 10. Photos from Reuters. The photos, the news stories, Obama's speech. I'm finding it all heart breaking. And once more raises the question of how such a loving God can allow so much suffering. I have no words, no great explanation, but what I can show you is a fantastic blogpost written after the Aurora shootings earlier this year. Marie was in that movie theatre and here's an excerpt: "Why would you think such a tragedy would make me question the goodness of God? If anything, both of my girls said it made Him a much more real presence to them; the youngest shared this verse: Do not be afraid of s...

If any of you have seen me in the past week, to the point where we've had a meaningful conversation, you will realise that I am currently extremely stressed and anxious. I see occupational health this week and they get to give the big yes or no about me going back to Uni. Now, I *know* that I am ready to go back, I know it's not going to be easy but I will sure as hell give it my best shot. I can do this. I am willing to sacrifice paid work, I'm willing to drop all other commitments to ensure I get adequate rest, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to give my body what it needs to get through an intense placement. I'm under no illusion that going on placement will be easy. It's tough even when you're 100% well. But I know I can do it, I know I can be a good teacher. If my appt. this week goes to plan I will have the go ahead to go back to Uni. The only special request I have, which might make things easier, is that my placement is relatively close by as ti...

Apologies, this is going to be completely ineloquent (is that even a word?!) but it's gone midnight, I'm watching Love Actually so I'm somewhat distracted by the lovely Colin Firth! Yesterday, I had a rubbish day. Today I decided to stay in bed to avoid a repeat of yesterday's crap day. Productive? No. But hey, I was tired and my plans got cancelled so I spent most of the day curled up under my duvet watching catch up TV. It was pleasantly interrupted by lunchtime, where Vicky and I decided to have enchiladas and dance around to Christmas music. Followed by a nap. I don't know why but I've been feeling pretty miserable the past couple of days, various stressful things have happened and I just feel tearful and yucky. So when it came to decision about whether to get up and go to Team Night tonight I umm-ed and ahh-ed for a while before deciding I probably should go. And I am SO glad I went. It was Christmas/advent themed. Liz gave a fantastic talk on light an...

Being loved and feeling loved are two different things. Objective and subjective. I am loved, but often I don't feel that way. It's something that I often have to remind myself. Today for example, I'm feeling a bit lonely, a bit sad (probably because the weather is utterly miserable and I feel fat) and consequently wanted a cuddle. Now, there are people I could have contacted to get a cuddle, to curl up and watch crap TV with but instead, I decided to spend the evening lying in bed moping. Why? Because I'm scared of being rejected, scared of people not loving me enough to come and give me that cuddle/invite me to go to theirs. I'm scared that maybe they don't love me, that maybe I am just lying to myself. And then I want to hit myself around the head, to knock some sense into my silly little brain. Just this past week I have spent time with great friends on more than one occasion and I have photographic evidence to prove it... That was Thanksgiving, we ...

Today, my house mates are on a double date in London all day. They were giggling and excited as they left this morning, ready to spend time with their other halves. Currently, I am moping, curled up under my duvet, eating far too many biscuits. I have been single for around 4 years now, I've been on the odd date, I've been through months of "crushing" on someone, knowing that it's unlikely the feelings are reciprocated and even recently, there was the potential for relationship but various factors meant that it's fizzled out and I'm well and truly back in the land of singleness. I think it becomes even more difficult in Christian circles...so many of my friends are in long-term, committed relationships, a few are engaged and some are even married. Engagement and marriage often happens relatively young among Christians and although I'm happy for my friends, I do sometimes feel like I'm a freak, like I'm never going to find someone. It's ri...

I didn't want to go. I spent most of Friday evening telling myself that I was not wanted, that I'd only been invited out of politeness, that I hadn't lost enough weight since the summer, that I'd feel on the edges and that actually I should really just stay home. But I'd spent £30+ on my train ticket, I was damn well going! And it was great. In fact, more than great. It was one of the highlights of my year. Happy Laura right here. Bright and early Saturday morning I hopped on a train to be reunited with Team Foxtrot . We arrived, had a spot of lunch and generally spent time chatting, catching up and eating cake...the 3 second rule over the comfy chairs felt like we were back at base! Once everyone had arrived, and Reg had survived a journey with 3 boys who were inevitably plotting his downfall...we headed over to Blaise castle and grounds for a walk as the sun went down. It was BEAUTIFUL and far milder than we anticipated! Some members of the team, ...

Just before I begin, this post has been written with the permission of the friend concerned and seen by her before going public. November 2005 changed my life. I will never forget the events of that month and the ones to follow. I still get pretty emotional at this time of year, I guess I grieve for what I feel I lost, I grieve for what my then best friend lost, I feel sad about the entire situation. This is by no means a 100% accurate blow-by-blow account, nor is it everything I remember/feel, it's some snippets of the memories of a traumatic event in some 13 year old lives. Things blur and become distorted with time and the hurt, sadness and anger lessens, but it is never forgotten. For me, it started with a phone call, followed by a long night waiting in the house for news on whether or not Ellie's mum had been found. We had been in the same friendship group at school for a year or so and had become extremely close in the months prior to her Mum's disappearance. Sh...

Mother Teresa sums it up pretty well. Loneliness and feeling unloved is horrible, it can make feel desperate and worthless. For many months I have left each and every church event feeling lonely and unloved. Two weeks ago, I finally decided to make a change. 2 and a half years ago I moved to Brighton. I tried one church, got scared of making a decision and then went to CCK. My reasons were...the awesome worship and the free bus from campus. Not necessarily bad things to base the decision on, but also not everything I needed to consider. 2 and a half years later, after much encouragement from friends I've found it in me to try and find a new church, one were I feel loved, accepted and like I belong. Don't get me wrong, I know many many people who love CCK and feel a part of their mission but it's not where I am right now. The preaching is great - Joel Virgo is fantastic. The worship, the atmosphere, it's all fine. I just never really settled though, I feel incredibly...

What a fantastic video. I urge you all to watch it, whether or not you've experienced depression. October 10th was World Mental Health Day, to be honest I paid little attention to it aside from reading the odd tweet or Facebook status here and there. It's a bit of a controversial one, people tend to fall into one of two categories; one, recovery is awesome, it will get better, keep trying, keep hoping or two, well I'm not recovered, I never will be, I don't want to play along with all this hope crap. There is also the added dilemma that the majority of the focus is placed on depression despite there being many many other mental illnesses. One thing that did really annoy me/make me uncomfortable was Stephen Fry tweeting the following "It’s # worldmentalhealthday today - thinking of everyone with problems. Let’s at least start by addressing the stigma # proudtobemad " . It's all great until the last bit. Proud to be mad? I wouldn't say mental illne...

I hated church today.  That's probably a bad thing to say but it's the truth. I didn't want to go, I knew the preach topic and it's one I find difficult. Everything in me wanted to stay at home in bed, I was bargaining with God right from when I left work. "If the bus home is still there, I'll go", it was running 2 minutes late so I caught it easily. "If there's a sensible bus to church, I'll go", there was one that'd get me there with time to spare. I misplaced my keys and my water bottle emptied in my bag..."if I still manage to make that bus then I'll go", I made the bus. Don't bargain with God, He'll win. I didn't want to hear another preach on healing and incidentally I had a shooting pain under my left clavicle every time I inhaled today but the fact I didn't want to hear it made me go and listen. It's often the things that we need to hear most that we really don't want to. Plus, after posti...

The other week I had a late night heart-to-heart with the wonderful Rachel. It's so great living within walking distance of friends. And Rachel is one of the best. One thing we established as an area that people can struggle in life is that of feeling valued by those around them and as a consequence, struggling to show others how valued they are. I like to show people that I value them as friends, I love making cards, sending snail mail, meeting friends for coffee, little texts to tell them I love them and that I'm thankful for them. However, I feel that in a lot of my friendships I do a lot of valuing but don't feel valued in return. Now, there could be two reasons for this: 1. I don't believe I'm worthy to be valued. 2. They genuinely aren't showing me that I'm worth anything to them. I'm pretty sure in my case that it's a mixture of the two. I come across as a pretty confident person but my self worth is pretty non existent. However, I do think ...

I was serving on COG's at the racecourse this morning. Orange and green kidlings are aged between 2 and a half years old to six years old. It's a lovely age group and I work with a fantastic team. Today I surprised myself and rejigged my perception of COG's. I learnt something new as well as hopefully teaching the children :) We're currently working through a storybook Bible and today we were talking about the Fall and the fact that Adam and Eve had to leave the garden. One image most people will have when they think about creation is this; Adam and Eve ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and realised they were naked. They covered themselves with fig leaves. When God sent them away from Eden He clothed them (Genesis 3:21 " The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them"). Today's title however, God clothes us with His love . We were banished from Eden but we were not abandoned. As humans were are covered...

This weekend marks two years since I flew the nest and came to Uni. My middle sister is now following suit but headed for a different city and a different course. I've been reading over old journals again recently and feeling pretty nostalgic and I guess a little sad. Freshers is meant to be a time of trying out new activities, getting drunk making new friends and generally just "loving life". Now, don't get me wrong...I did do some of this; First night drinks Myself and Beth (housemate) Freebies at Freshers Fair Amelia, Beth, myself, Laura     Foam party UV rave But I also did a fair amount of crying, weighing myself, hiding in my room and wishing the whole world would swallow me up. Things were so different back then. I miss being slim so so much. I cannot believe I wasted hours of my time standing on the scales berating myself for being fat, and look at me now, gone completely the other way. I am trying to address the weight I'...

Say hello to some of this years student leaders... I return from some time away with CCK student leaders feeling completely exhausted but glad to have been a part of it. We spent our time getting to know each other, getting to know our mission better and getting to know Jesus on a deeper level. Lots of worship, prayer, fun and games and not very much sleep! I so didn't want to be there, I don't feel worthy of being a leader, I don't feel like I belong at CCK, that I have friends, that anyone cares about me, there are cliques of which I belong to none. I feel like the other leaders look at me, judge me and think I've just screwed up too much. CCK can be very lonely at times, being in a big church and feeling like no-one knows your name is horrible. However, I was invited and a couple of people really encouraged me to go, so I did. And what did we spend a lot of time focussing on? CCK has cliques that need combating AND no-one has gone too far from God/sinned so ...