Being loved.

Being loved and feeling loved are two different things. Objective and subjective. I am loved, but often I don't feel that way. It's something that I often have to remind myself. Today for example, I'm feeling a bit lonely, a bit sad (probably because the weather is utterly miserable and I feel fat) and consequently wanted a cuddle. Now, there are people I could have contacted to get a cuddle, to curl up and watch crap TV with but instead, I decided to spend the evening lying in bed moping. Why? Because I'm scared of being rejected, scared of people not loving me enough to come and give me that cuddle/invite me to go to theirs. I'm scared that maybe they don't love me, that maybe I am just lying to myself.

And then I want to hit myself around the head, to knock some sense into my silly little brain. Just this past week I have spent time with great friends on more than one occasion and I have photographic evidence to prove it...

That was Thanksgiving, we had amazing food, lots of fun and played Uno. Then there was the time I spent with the Foxtrot family plus spending time with the Meg Ryaners who are my small group at church. Oh, and a catch up with the wonderful Hazel. And a text from my lovely sister reminding me not to beat myself up. And it goes on. How I can possibly convince myself that I am unloved I do not know.

It saddens me that as human beings, we seem to be programmed to beat ourselves up. I went shopping today, I had a few specific things I need like a coat and a pair of jeans. I didn't buy any of it, because I feel fat.

Again, I just want to hit myself around the head and tell myself to grow up.

Yes, I am bigger than I used to be. Yes, I am unhappy with the way I look. But how will I ever learn to like my appearance if I'm forever dwelling on what I used to look like? Plus...I gained so much weight in the first half of this year, I have achieved a lot to get some of that weight back off. For the first time in my life I have lost weight through eating healthily, rather than through starving myself, over exercising, taking laxatives. I'm achieving a healthy, steady weightloss, yet I beat myself up and tell myself I'm not good enough. I don't make it easy for myself.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I wish I could cut myself some slack'd be nice to wake up in the morning and just be.



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