November 2005.
Just before I begin, this post has been written with the permission of the friend concerned and seen by her before going public.
November 2005 changed my life. I will never forget the events of that month and the ones to follow. I still get pretty emotional at this time of year, I guess I grieve for what I feel I lost, I grieve for what my then best friend lost, I feel sad about the entire situation.
This is by no means a 100% accurate blow-by-blow account, nor is it everything I remember/feel, it's some snippets of the memories of a traumatic event in some 13 year old lives. Things blur and become distorted with time and the hurt, sadness and anger lessens, but it is never forgotten.
For me, it started with a phone call, followed by a long night waiting in the house for news on whether or not Ellie's mum had been found. We had been in the same friendship group at school for a year or so and had become extremely close in the months prior to her Mum's disappearance. She and Haidee were my best friends, we told each other everything, we used to love watching Shrek and Shaun of the Dead and we'd dance around like crazy people to Gwen Stefani's Hollaback Girl. It seemed the most natural thing that I would be one of the first people Ellie told, yet looking back it's a situation neither myself or her should ever have been in. No child should lose their Mum, no friends should see their friend suffer like that.
The days following were surreal, I remember being at Ellie's with Haidee watching Shrek like we usually did but there was no laughter, only tears. Knowing that the police were next door. The days followed were hope slowly diminished, where Ellie started to come to terms with the fact that her Mum would not be returning and that she had most likely committed suicide. It was hard, really hard. 13 year olds are not equipped to deal with that. I remember cuddling up with Haidee and both of us just crying for what Ellie was going through, but also ourselves.
Life soon returned to the normal routine of school. Except school became a time where we sat with Ellie and cried. Looking back, the lack of intervention from teacher's was appalling. No-one knew what to do or how to handle the situation. Ellie needed help, Haidee and I needed support, it was just a big mess. Ellie developed anorexia and many a day was spent visiting her in hospital. Being told by the nurses that my best friend may die if she didn't turn a corner soon was one of the most awful experiences. But eventually things began to improve but our friendship were in tatters from the strain of mental illness.
I feel like I lost a lot of my innocence and immaturity early on in my teens, we were forced into the very adult world of missing people, suicide and mental health. I still find this time of year difficult, I'm more emotional than usual (yes, really) and have to keep myself busy to avoid dwelling. It's something that has definitely eased with time but November will always mark the anniversary. For me, Remembrance Sunday will always have an extra meaning.
Although I wouldn't wish the situations we went through on anyone, I was so grateful that Haidee and I had each other and that Ellie had the both of us. Sadly we are no longer close, it's hard to go through something like that in such a period of growth in your life and remain strong friends. Their still people I care deeply about and think of, particularly at this time of year. This week marks 7 years since Christine disappeared and we are all in a much better place. Ellie is at University studying illustration and animation - she's a fantastic artist, and Haidee is studying English. In Ellie's words: "Life is good but challenging at times. Alot of animation briefs to meet & uni cycling arrangements and trials to sort out. Feels like I need to be on the ball 24/7! But it is amazing none the less!...I have been trying to stay busy as yes it is that month but t be honest my mum is going to be as chuffed with what im doing as I am at the moment! Not forgetting though that stuff gets really tense and all thse hospital memories do come back. That is going to be a part of my life I wont ever get rid of. We both know that... I cant wait to be back home even if it is for a week but me and Dad can keep eachother going! not got any other option really
I think it is safe to say you and I were both going to be attracted to
different paths but it is all at present falling into place! Which is
even better xxx"
It's true, we've all taken very different paths and we've all been shaped by the things we experienced. Although our friendship has been troubled and gone through things many people will never experience, there are also some fond memories which will remain just as long, if not longer than the bad.
Last summer I returned to Berryhead for the first time since 2005. It may sound silly to the outsider but it was a big step for me. I went to visit with Hannah and we made some new, happy memories in a place I associated with suicide and had avoided. Now, it's not somewhere I used to go regularly, so it wasn't a big loss for the years I didn't go, but it was nice to get over the fear of going, it's a beautiful place.
TTFN x
November 2005 changed my life. I will never forget the events of that month and the ones to follow. I still get pretty emotional at this time of year, I guess I grieve for what I feel I lost, I grieve for what my then best friend lost, I feel sad about the entire situation.
This is by no means a 100% accurate blow-by-blow account, nor is it everything I remember/feel, it's some snippets of the memories of a traumatic event in some 13 year old lives. Things blur and become distorted with time and the hurt, sadness and anger lessens, but it is never forgotten.
For me, it started with a phone call, followed by a long night waiting in the house for news on whether or not Ellie's mum had been found. We had been in the same friendship group at school for a year or so and had become extremely close in the months prior to her Mum's disappearance. She and Haidee were my best friends, we told each other everything, we used to love watching Shrek and Shaun of the Dead and we'd dance around like crazy people to Gwen Stefani's Hollaback Girl. It seemed the most natural thing that I would be one of the first people Ellie told, yet looking back it's a situation neither myself or her should ever have been in. No child should lose their Mum, no friends should see their friend suffer like that.
The days following were surreal, I remember being at Ellie's with Haidee watching Shrek like we usually did but there was no laughter, only tears. Knowing that the police were next door. The days followed were hope slowly diminished, where Ellie started to come to terms with the fact that her Mum would not be returning and that she had most likely committed suicide. It was hard, really hard. 13 year olds are not equipped to deal with that. I remember cuddling up with Haidee and both of us just crying for what Ellie was going through, but also ourselves.
Life soon returned to the normal routine of school. Except school became a time where we sat with Ellie and cried. Looking back, the lack of intervention from teacher's was appalling. No-one knew what to do or how to handle the situation. Ellie needed help, Haidee and I needed support, it was just a big mess. Ellie developed anorexia and many a day was spent visiting her in hospital. Being told by the nurses that my best friend may die if she didn't turn a corner soon was one of the most awful experiences. But eventually things began to improve but our friendship were in tatters from the strain of mental illness.
I feel like I lost a lot of my innocence and immaturity early on in my teens, we were forced into the very adult world of missing people, suicide and mental health. I still find this time of year difficult, I'm more emotional than usual (yes, really) and have to keep myself busy to avoid dwelling. It's something that has definitely eased with time but November will always mark the anniversary. For me, Remembrance Sunday will always have an extra meaning.
Although I wouldn't wish the situations we went through on anyone, I was so grateful that Haidee and I had each other and that Ellie had the both of us. Sadly we are no longer close, it's hard to go through something like that in such a period of growth in your life and remain strong friends. Their still people I care deeply about and think of, particularly at this time of year. This week marks 7 years since Christine disappeared and we are all in a much better place. Ellie is at University studying illustration and animation - she's a fantastic artist, and Haidee is studying English. In Ellie's words: "Life is good but challenging at times. Alot of animation briefs to meet & uni cycling arrangements and trials to sort out. Feels like I need to be on the ball 24/7! But it is amazing none the less!...I have been trying to stay busy as yes it is that month but t be honest my mum is going to be as chuffed with what im doing as I am at the moment! Not forgetting though that stuff gets really tense and all thse hospital memories do come back. That is going to be a part of my life I wont ever get rid of. We both know that... I cant wait to be back home even if it is for a week but me and Dad can keep eachother going! not got any other option really
I think it is safe to say you and I were both going to be attracted to
different paths but it is all at present falling into place! Which is
even better xxx"It's true, we've all taken very different paths and we've all been shaped by the things we experienced. Although our friendship has been troubled and gone through things many people will never experience, there are also some fond memories which will remain just as long, if not longer than the bad.
Last summer I returned to Berryhead for the first time since 2005. It may sound silly to the outsider but it was a big step for me. I went to visit with Hannah and we made some new, happy memories in a place I associated with suicide and had avoided. Now, it's not somewhere I used to go regularly, so it wasn't a big loss for the years I didn't go, but it was nice to get over the fear of going, it's a beautiful place.
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