Singleness.
Today, my house mates are on a double date in London all day. They were giggling and excited as they left this morning, ready to spend time with their other halves. Currently, I am moping, curled up under my duvet, eating far too many biscuits.
I have been single for around 4 years now, I've been on the odd date, I've been through months of "crushing" on someone, knowing that it's unlikely the feelings are reciprocated and even recently, there was the potential for relationship but various factors meant that it's fizzled out and I'm well and truly back in the land of singleness. I think it becomes even more difficult in Christian circles...so many of my friends are in long-term, committed relationships, a few are engaged and some are even married. Engagement and marriage often happens relatively young among Christians and although I'm happy for my friends, I do sometimes feel like I'm a freak, like I'm never going to find someone. It's ridiculous...I'm 20, I have so much time to meet someone still!
I had a really refreshing conversation with a couple of ladies at the Foxtrot Weekend. I'm at a stage in life where yes, many of my friends are getting engaged and married, but it will pass and it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong or defective about me. I keep trying to remind myself that although I hope and pray that I one day marry, it's not ultimately my choice. I believe that God has a plan for me, and whatever that plan entails, it will be enough to fulfil me, to sustain me and to live an abundant life. Most of the time, I am actually pretty content being single. I would much rather be single than in multiple dead end relationships. I have had one relatively long term relationship in my life, 2 years at my age is pretty dedicated and we were actually younger at the time! I wouldn't change anything about that relationship, he was and always will be my first love and I learned a lot. My perception of what love is will grow and mature as I do, but I loved him at that point in my life.
It has been brought to my attention in recent months that I don't love myself very much and from that, I don't really believe myself to be loveable. Not romantically, just any type of love. And when I really start to think about why I feel lonely and mope-y today, it's not that I don't have a boyfriend, it's fear that I am not good enough for anyone to ever love me. Objectively, this is a big fat lie that I'm telling myself. There are a few people in my life that I can 100% definitely know love me. I have many friends, I have many people that show love to me in various different ways. But subjectively, I feel unloved because I feel unloveable. That's a difficult one to overcome, and it will take time.
So I've had my morning moping in bed, I'm now going to get up and embrace the fact I have the house to myself by singing and dancing around like a crazy woman before heading to small group tonight to be reminded that I have friends and I'm not alone!
TTFN x
I have been single for around 4 years now, I've been on the odd date, I've been through months of "crushing" on someone, knowing that it's unlikely the feelings are reciprocated and even recently, there was the potential for relationship but various factors meant that it's fizzled out and I'm well and truly back in the land of singleness. I think it becomes even more difficult in Christian circles...so many of my friends are in long-term, committed relationships, a few are engaged and some are even married. Engagement and marriage often happens relatively young among Christians and although I'm happy for my friends, I do sometimes feel like I'm a freak, like I'm never going to find someone. It's ridiculous...I'm 20, I have so much time to meet someone still!
I had a really refreshing conversation with a couple of ladies at the Foxtrot Weekend. I'm at a stage in life where yes, many of my friends are getting engaged and married, but it will pass and it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong or defective about me. I keep trying to remind myself that although I hope and pray that I one day marry, it's not ultimately my choice. I believe that God has a plan for me, and whatever that plan entails, it will be enough to fulfil me, to sustain me and to live an abundant life. Most of the time, I am actually pretty content being single. I would much rather be single than in multiple dead end relationships. I have had one relatively long term relationship in my life, 2 years at my age is pretty dedicated and we were actually younger at the time! I wouldn't change anything about that relationship, he was and always will be my first love and I learned a lot. My perception of what love is will grow and mature as I do, but I loved him at that point in my life.
It has been brought to my attention in recent months that I don't love myself very much and from that, I don't really believe myself to be loveable. Not romantically, just any type of love. And when I really start to think about why I feel lonely and mope-y today, it's not that I don't have a boyfriend, it's fear that I am not good enough for anyone to ever love me. Objectively, this is a big fat lie that I'm telling myself. There are a few people in my life that I can 100% definitely know love me. I have many friends, I have many people that show love to me in various different ways. But subjectively, I feel unloved because I feel unloveable. That's a difficult one to overcome, and it will take time.
So I've had my morning moping in bed, I'm now going to get up and embrace the fact I have the house to myself by singing and dancing around like a crazy woman before heading to small group tonight to be reminded that I have friends and I'm not alone!
TTFN x
Over from Solitary Diner's blog hop
ReplyDeleteSinging and dancing are good for the soul !
Lovely to meet you Sharon, will be popping around leaving comments once I get a chance!
DeleteLove a bit of singing and dancing...especially if chocolate and wine are also involved...