The Running Father.
If any of you have seen me in the past week, to the point where we've had a meaningful conversation, you will realise that I am currently extremely stressed and anxious. I see occupational health this week and they get to give the big yes or no about me going back to Uni. Now, I *know* that I am ready to go back, I know it's not going to be easy but I will sure as hell give it my best shot. I can do this. I am willing to sacrifice paid work, I'm willing to drop all other commitments to ensure I get adequate rest, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to give my body what it needs to get through an intense placement. I'm under no illusion that going on placement will be easy. It's tough even when you're 100% well. But I know I can do it, I know I can be a good teacher. If my appt. this week goes to plan I will have the go ahead to go back to Uni. The only special request I have, which might make things easier, is that my placement is relatively close by as tiredness plays a big part in me getting ill. I was going to go to the appt. with no requests, but Uni. suggested that actually if there is something that would benefit me, then I should bring it up. In my first year, I had a 90 minute commute meaning a 13 hour day, sometimes more, I would struggle to sustain that these days. So yeah, I am pretty certain that I'll get the go ahead to go back, but there's those doubts in my mind...
What if I don't go back?
What if I do get ill again?
What if I never graduate?
And it scares me. Someone pointed out that many people live happy, fulfilling lives without Uni. but it's just something I've never really considered as an option. I briefly considered when I first left a year ago, but my brain is bored. I am so ready to be learning again. Living a normal life with POTS is challenging at times, but it's not impossible. Today is a challenging day, I am exhausted, I am in pain and I am fatigued, but I still got up, I still went to church, I still made a meal. And I'm so glad I did. Which brings me to the title of this blog...The Running Father.
The preach tonight was incredible, and a much needed message. The worship was also incredible, even though I sat through it all. It's something I've been learning recently - on the days when I'm tired, on the days were standing up makes me dizzy, I can worship just as well sat down, if not better - I'm not distracted by feeling ill! I don't think people really understand how tiring standing up can be with POTS. Take today for example, sat on the floor at church my heart rate was between 130 and 150bpm (normal being between 60 and 90bpm), when I stand up, I generally have a 40bpm increase. Having a heart rate that high is not comfortable, it's exhausting, it's like I'm running a marathon the whole time. Someone suggested I'm lazy today. I am not lazy, I am just tired and looking after myself. Not everyday is like that, I'm lucky, I have days where I'm pretty much symptom free and I function normally pretty much everyday, even when I'm feeling unwell. Anyway, back to church...
The preach was centred around one of the most well-known stories in the bible...The Prodigal Son which can be found in Luke 15:11-32. Now I've always thought about this story as one lost son returning home. Today, Jonny showed me a new perspective, the father's perspective. To him there are two son's missing, one physically but the other emotionally and that they both could come back home. The same goes for us and God, we may be physically distant from church etc. but equally we may be emotionally distant from God.
What are the signs we might need to come home?
- Feeling empty and tempted to consume things that will not satisfy
I have been comfort eating/stress eating over the past week.
- Feeling not yourself
- Feel confused or like life is complicated
I feel like life is completely overwhelming, the next month or so *could* be simple but it feels overwhelming and complicated. The future feels scary.
- When you find yourself doing things you never thought you'd have to
- Rejoicing in the failure of others
- Consumed by what you lack
I've spent a lot of this week pissed off at the taxman for wrongly taking £100
- When you feel like you're slaving away
And how do you come home?
It's not something we earn and all we need to do is take the first little step. From there the father runs to us. He runs to us. He gives us the freedom to leave, He lets us go and doesn't control us but He continues to love us and longs for us to come home. We can break the Father's heart but He will never stop loving us. His patience outlasts everything.
He runs to me.
When I'm at my worst, when my mind is consumed with worry about money, my weight, my studies, my health, the future. He runs to me, embraces me and reminds me that with Him, it will be alright. That He has a plan for my life and it is perfect.
I needed tonight. I needed to feel that love once more. On my way home the following songs came on my iPod...
"The hope of the world
Lifted on high
Calling us home with arms out wide
To know you forever, to love you forever
You are our everything"
"You are good, You are good when there's nothing good in me...You are light, You are light when the darkness closes in...You are peace, You are peace when my fear is crippling...You are true, You are true even in my wandering...You are life, You are life, in You death has lost its sting...oh, I'm running to Your arms, I'm running to Your arms, the riches of Your love will always be enough, nothing compares to Your embrace Light of the world forever reign"
He runs to me.
What if I don't go back?
What if I do get ill again?
What if I never graduate?
And it scares me. Someone pointed out that many people live happy, fulfilling lives without Uni. but it's just something I've never really considered as an option. I briefly considered when I first left a year ago, but my brain is bored. I am so ready to be learning again. Living a normal life with POTS is challenging at times, but it's not impossible. Today is a challenging day, I am exhausted, I am in pain and I am fatigued, but I still got up, I still went to church, I still made a meal. And I'm so glad I did. Which brings me to the title of this blog...The Running Father.
The preach tonight was incredible, and a much needed message. The worship was also incredible, even though I sat through it all. It's something I've been learning recently - on the days when I'm tired, on the days were standing up makes me dizzy, I can worship just as well sat down, if not better - I'm not distracted by feeling ill! I don't think people really understand how tiring standing up can be with POTS. Take today for example, sat on the floor at church my heart rate was between 130 and 150bpm (normal being between 60 and 90bpm), when I stand up, I generally have a 40bpm increase. Having a heart rate that high is not comfortable, it's exhausting, it's like I'm running a marathon the whole time. Someone suggested I'm lazy today. I am not lazy, I am just tired and looking after myself. Not everyday is like that, I'm lucky, I have days where I'm pretty much symptom free and I function normally pretty much everyday, even when I'm feeling unwell. Anyway, back to church...
The preach was centred around one of the most well-known stories in the bible...The Prodigal Son which can be found in Luke 15:11-32. Now I've always thought about this story as one lost son returning home. Today, Jonny showed me a new perspective, the father's perspective. To him there are two son's missing, one physically but the other emotionally and that they both could come back home. The same goes for us and God, we may be physically distant from church etc. but equally we may be emotionally distant from God.
What are the signs we might need to come home?
- Feeling empty and tempted to consume things that will not satisfy
I have been comfort eating/stress eating over the past week.
- Feeling not yourself
- Feel confused or like life is complicated
I feel like life is completely overwhelming, the next month or so *could* be simple but it feels overwhelming and complicated. The future feels scary.
- When you find yourself doing things you never thought you'd have to
- Rejoicing in the failure of others
- Consumed by what you lack
I've spent a lot of this week pissed off at the taxman for wrongly taking £100
- When you feel like you're slaving away
And how do you come home?
It's not something we earn and all we need to do is take the first little step. From there the father runs to us. He runs to us. He gives us the freedom to leave, He lets us go and doesn't control us but He continues to love us and longs for us to come home. We can break the Father's heart but He will never stop loving us. His patience outlasts everything.
He runs to me.
When I'm at my worst, when my mind is consumed with worry about money, my weight, my studies, my health, the future. He runs to me, embraces me and reminds me that with Him, it will be alright. That He has a plan for my life and it is perfect.
I needed tonight. I needed to feel that love once more. On my way home the following songs came on my iPod...
"The hope of the world
Lifted on high
Calling us home with arms out wide
To know you forever, to love you forever
You are our everything"
"You are good, You are good when there's nothing good in me...You are light, You are light when the darkness closes in...You are peace, You are peace when my fear is crippling...You are true, You are true even in my wandering...You are life, You are life, in You death has lost its sting...oh, I'm running to Your arms, I'm running to Your arms, the riches of Your love will always be enough, nothing compares to Your embrace Light of the world forever reign"
He runs to me.
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