Vulnerable.

I'm trying to be disciplined with my Bible reading/devotional time this year and for the past 10 days I have done a devotional each and every morning. It hasn't changed me massively - I haven't had an overwhelming sense of peace or enlightenment, no fireworks have gone off, but I know that what I am reading is truth, even if I can't feel it right now.

The first set of devotionals I read was 5 days about various hymns and I loved it. Music has always been the way in which I feel a most intimate connection with my faith. This devotional series was particularly perfect for me because it not only reminded me of some of my favourite hymns - it pointed me to the biblical bases of their lyrics. Having spent a year battling through what should've been a 30 day devotional on Thessalonians - it was refreshing to read something that I related to, enjoyed and was learning from.

The real thing that shone out to me through the 5 days was that although these hymns are all praising God, they are also showing the writers in a vulnerable position, crying out for God when life gets tough.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for thy courts above

Robert Robinson - Come, Thou Fount Of Every Blessing

I need Thee, O I need Thee; 
Every hour I need Thee
 O bless me now, my Saviour,
I come to Thee

Annie S. Hawks - I Need Thee Every Hour


Being a Christian and having my faith doesn't mean that life is or always will be plain sailing, it just means that when I hit those difficult times there is my saviour, waiting for me to come to him, ready to meet me in my most vulnerable places. it's difficult though - because when I'm in those vulnerable places? It's so incredibly hard to bring that before God. I feel weak, I am weak and although I know I can find my strength in Him? I just can't quite take that step.

"We won't always want to read the Bible. There will be days when we are angry, hurt, tired, spent. But the Word of God is for us even then - especially then! We come to God's Word to see the beauty of Jesus and the Gospel of redemption. We come time and time again and He promises to water us well, to satisfy our thirst for truth, love and grace like no one and nothing else can" - Amanda Bible Williams (SheReadsTruth)

Right now? I am so angry, hurt, tired and utterly spent. I am fragile and vulnerable and broken. And briefly this morning the mess went public. I sat on the floor of the baby room at church and I sobbed my heart out whilst two mums surrounded me with prayer and cuddles. For those 15 minutes, I felt more freedom than I have in months. As I cried those tears, my entire body shaking with sadness I finally felt some of the hurt I've been holding in for months dissipate.

I just need to get through 6 more shifts. 75 hours and I will have some respite. And to help me do that? The mum's who hugged me and held me and prayed over me this morning are taking it in turns to pick me up from work on 4 of my 6 remaining shifts. So that I get a hug, some food and know that I am loved and that I can do this. 

Church isn't about people who've got it all altogether. It's about people who are messy and broken and vulnerable...being loved and cared for by others who are also messy, broken and vulnerable.We're all just trying to love each other, as Jesus loves us, in the best way that we can. And that's special.

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