"Meanwhile, back at my heart
I'm desperate for all that You are
Undo me and take me apart
Meanwhile back at my soul
Mend me, Lord
Please make me whole"

I guess somewhat linked with my most recent post on isolation, I am struggling with an utterly desperate loneliness right now. I have friends, I know I have friends but I feel surrounded by such an overwhelming loneliness. The irrational part of my brain is feeding me a constant trickle of negative thoughts. That everyone hates me, that I'm horrid and fat and ugly and that no-one could possibly love me. I know that it is probably not true, yet battling that constant train of thought 24/7 is tiresome. It's the same with my working life, a constant doubt that sits deep within me that I am not good enough. But what hurts the most? Is how utterly lonely I feel on the faith front. I know only I can change this but I feel utterly abandoned by God. Knowing He's there compared to truly feeling Him are worlds apart.

This morning, I cuddled a baby and all I wanted to do was sob. For me, babies are totally therapeutic on a daily life level, but also on a faith level. The love I have for those little babies is so unconditional - no matter how much they poo or sick up their feed or kick and scream, I still love them -  and I know that's how God sees me too - but on a whole other level! So why can't I feel it?

I can't feel it because somewhere inside I'm holding back, I'm stopping myself, because letting Him take over the reigns of my life once more means that I have to relinquish that control. To put Jesus in the driving seat means truly working towards recovery once more. It means letting people into the deepest and most vulnerable areas of my life. The things that I've never been honest about before. And although Jesus knows everything about me already? He's yearning for me to be honest with him too. It needs to be an active choice on my part to run to Him, rather than to my negative coping mechanisms.

And I so want to be ready to take that step. 

This loneliness is unbearable, I hate the monster that my eating disorder turns me into. The person who is desperate for love but won't accept that she is already loved. The person who has lost 17% of her body weight yet can see no difference in the mirror. The person who cries before and after every single shift (and sometimes during). The person who quite often relies on diazepam to go to a supermarket. The person who is so utterly ashamed of herself. The person who either eats everything or nothing.

This is not me.

You know just where to start
Back at my heart, back at my fear
Back at my brokenness, Lord, meet me here
Though I'm exposed, I'm not afraid anymore


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