Desperate.

"Meanwhile, back at my heart
I'm desperate for all that You are
Undo me and take me apart
Meanwhile back at my soul
Mend me, Lord
Please make me whole"


I guess somewhat linked with my most recent post on isolation, I am struggling with an utterly desperate loneliness right now. I have friends, I know I have friends but I feel surrounded by such an overwhelming loneliness. The irrational part of my brain is feeding me a constant trickle of negative thoughts. That everyone hates me, that I'm horrid and fat and ugly and that no-one could possibly love me. I know that it is probably not true, yet battling that constant train of thought 24/7 is tiresome. It's the same with my working life, a constant doubt that sits deep within me that I am not good enough. But what hurts the most? Is how utterly lonely I feel on the faith front. I know only I can change this but I feel utterly abandoned by God. Knowing He's there compared to truly feeling Him are worlds apart.


This morning, I cuddled a baby and all I wanted to do was sob. For me, babies are totally therapeutic on a daily life level, but also on a faith level. The love I have for those little babies is so unconditional - no matter how much they poo or sick up their feed or kick and scream, I still love them -  and I know that's how God sees me too - but on a whole other level! So why can't I feel it?

I can't feel it because somewhere inside I'm holding back, I'm stopping myself, because letting Him take over the reigns of my life once more means that I have to relinquish that control. To put Jesus in the driving seat means truly working towards recovery once more. It means letting people into the deepest and most vulnerable areas of my life. The things that I've never been honest about before. And although Jesus knows everything about me already? He's yearning for me to be honest with him too. It needs to be an active choice on my part to run to Him, rather than to my negative coping mechanisms.

And I so want to be ready to take that step. 

This loneliness is unbearable, I hate the monster that my eating disorder turns me into. The person who is desperate for love but won't accept that she is already loved. The person who has lost 17% of her body weight yet can see no difference in the mirror. The person who cries before and after every single shift (and sometimes during). The person who quite often relies on diazepam to go to a supermarket. The person who is so utterly ashamed of herself. The person who either eats everything or nothing.

This is not me.

You know just where to start
Back at my heart, back at my fear
Back at my brokenness, Lord, meet me here
Though I'm exposed, I'm not afraid anymore



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Breaking the Silence: EDAW 2012

This week is Eating Disorder Awareness Week and the theme for 2012? Breaking the silence. This may not be an easy read and believe me, it's not easy to write! Over the years I've had lots of experience with eating disorders, both supporting friends who've been ill, but also as a sufferer. Something that many people (particularly back in Torquay) don't know about me. So here I am, breaking my silence. I've always had an all-or-nothing relationship with food. I can go for days eating barely anything but take me to an all-you-can-eat buffet and I will practically have to waddle home with my food baby. It's hard to admit, it feels completely humiliating but I LOVE FOOD. And you will be hard pressed to find an eating disorder sufferer who doesn't. It's taken me many many years to believe that it's okay to enjoy food and it's something I still find hard today. Eating disorders are manipulative and ugly, they make you do things you would never dre...
Read more

"So I cry out with all that I have left"

Image
I am tired. I love my new job but I am physically and emotionally drained and we're only a few weeks in. I think there are a few reasons behind my emotional tiredness: 1. Care work is inevitably emotional, I spend my shifts with poorly people - some who won't get fully better, some who will die, some who want to die. It's hard going, but I wouldn't want to be emotionless. How can I care for these people if I don't care about them? And it's not just the patients - there's the relatives too. I'm having to remind myself that it's important to leave work at work as much as possible. 2. There are a few people in my life right now who are struggling - be that a break up, an illness, an eating disorder. I love my friends and I care about them, it's privilege to support people but again - it's emotionally draining. Sometimes I want to just bang my head against the wall with frustration that I can't help enough. I constantly have to remind my...
Read more

Caring for the Broken-hearted - Part 1

So, I've mentioned in the past that I belong to Brighton ACT Group and have a heart for seeing those trapped in slavery set free. As a group recently we have embarked on a 4 part course called "Caring for the Broken-hearted" and after the first session the other day...I'm excited! The course itself is being run by a wonderful lady called Wendy Young, who is part of the ministry team at Off The Fence . The course we're on is training us and developing our ability to care for and serve women who are suffering life controlling issues and those who are in crisis. The first session we spent a lot of time talking about women who work in prostitution and as an ACT group we know that sex trafficking for prostitution is a huge problem both nationally and globally. Plus, the overwhelming majority of those trafficked are women (around 80%) and therefore this course is something we feel really called to. Although STOPTHETRAFFIK is not a religious organisation all members o...
Read more