Isolation.
While I was home over Christmas, I had a long chat with my Mum and it was the first time I truly admitted one of my most damaging coping mechanisms. Not my eating disorder or any other thing I may physically do to myself, but something far more damaging, although I am only just realising it.
Isolation.
When I am at my most anxious, my most depressed, my most vulnerable? I isolate myself. It's been my coping mechanism of choice since my teenage years but something I've never truly realised as such. It began when I was 13, I began to hide away in my room. I was hiding from my family, from difficult situations in my life at that time but I was also isolating myself from any support. This continued (and worsened) as I grew up and ultimately damaged my friendships. By the time I left for University, I found any social situation stressful and was most comfortable in just the company of one or two other people.
Recently, my desire to isolate myself is really quite overwhelming once more and I can only attribute that to my increased anxiety levels. I am worried about hurting people, of losing more friends because I'm not at my best right now and ultimately? I'm scared of being challenged to change the way things are right now.
My resolve to start the year in a faith filled way and have renewed strength in Jesus? Not going so well...because this desire to isolate myself leeches into every aspect of my life. How can I let God in when I know I am such a horrible person right now? Realistically, I know that His love is unconditional - but it's hard to get past my belief that I need to earn love, that I need to be good enough before I'm worthy of being loved.
Right now, I'm torn. Part of me wants to hide away and cut myself off from the world but part of me is desperate to let people in and know how challenging things are. I know it'd be a good start to try and let God back in...but it's so easily said and right now, feels so impossible to do. So even if I can't let God back into my heart just yet, I'm going try and be disciplined with my quiet times and small steps will hopefully lead to big breakthroughs.
"In panic I cried out, "I am cut off from the Lord!" but you heard my cry for mercy and answered my call for help." Psalm 31:22 (NLT)
Isolation.
When I am at my most anxious, my most depressed, my most vulnerable? I isolate myself. It's been my coping mechanism of choice since my teenage years but something I've never truly realised as such. It began when I was 13, I began to hide away in my room. I was hiding from my family, from difficult situations in my life at that time but I was also isolating myself from any support. This continued (and worsened) as I grew up and ultimately damaged my friendships. By the time I left for University, I found any social situation stressful and was most comfortable in just the company of one or two other people.
Recently, my desire to isolate myself is really quite overwhelming once more and I can only attribute that to my increased anxiety levels. I am worried about hurting people, of losing more friends because I'm not at my best right now and ultimately? I'm scared of being challenged to change the way things are right now.
My resolve to start the year in a faith filled way and have renewed strength in Jesus? Not going so well...because this desire to isolate myself leeches into every aspect of my life. How can I let God in when I know I am such a horrible person right now? Realistically, I know that His love is unconditional - but it's hard to get past my belief that I need to earn love, that I need to be good enough before I'm worthy of being loved.
Right now, I'm torn. Part of me wants to hide away and cut myself off from the world but part of me is desperate to let people in and know how challenging things are. I know it'd be a good start to try and let God back in...but it's so easily said and right now, feels so impossible to do. So even if I can't let God back into my heart just yet, I'm going try and be disciplined with my quiet times and small steps will hopefully lead to big breakthroughs.
"In panic I cried out, "I am cut off from the Lord!" but you heard my cry for mercy and answered my call for help." Psalm 31:22 (NLT)
You are not a horrible person. Not now, not ever.
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