Steady My Heart.

I'm trying to be disciplined with my Bible reading/devotional time this year and for the past 10 days I have done a devotional each and every morning. It hasn't changed me massively - I haven't had an overwhelming sense of peace or enlightenment, no fireworks have gone off, but I know that what I am reading is truth , even if I can't feel it right now. The first set of devotionals I read was 5 days about various hymns and I loved it. Music has always been the way in which I feel a most intimate connection with my faith. This devotional series was particularly perfect for me because it not only reminded me of some of my favourite hymns - it pointed me to the biblical bases of their lyrics. Having spent a year battling through what should've been a 30 day devotional on Thessalonians - it was refreshing to read something that I related to, enjoyed and was learning from. The real thing that shone out to me through the 5 days was that although these hymns are all pr...

"Meanwhile, back at my heart I'm desperate for all that You are Undo me and take me apart Meanwhile back at my soul Mend me, Lord Please make me whole" I guess somewhat linked with my most recent post on isolation, I am struggling with an utterly desperate loneliness right now. I have friends, I know I have friends but I feel surrounded by such an overwhelming loneliness. The irrational part of my brain is feeding me a constant trickle of negative thoughts. That everyone hates me, that I'm horrid and fat and ugly and that no-one could possibly love me. I know that it is probably not true, yet battling that constant train of thought 24/7 is tiresome. It's the same with my working life, a constant doubt that sits deep within me that I am not good enough . But what hurts the most? Is how utterly lonely I feel on the faith front. I know only I can change this but I feel utterly abandoned by God. Knowing He's there compared to truly feeling Him are wo...

While I was home over Christmas, I had a long chat with my Mum and it was the first time I truly admitted one of my most damaging coping mechanisms. Not my eating disorder or any other thing I may physically do to myself, but something far more damaging, although I am only just realising it. Isolation. When I am at my most anxious, my most depressed, my most vulnerable? I isolate myself. It's been my coping mechanism of choice since my teenage years but something I've never truly realised as such. It began when I was 13, I began to hide away in my room. I was hiding from my family, from difficult situations in my life at that time but I was also isolating myself from any support. This continued (and worsened) as I grew up and ultimately damaged my friendships. By the time I left for University, I found any social situation stressful and was most comfortable in just the company of one or two other people.  Recently, my desire to isolate myself is really quite overwhelming ...