When life disappoints us.

When I visit Rich and Ruth, I've been along to All Saints Worcester with them to their evening gathering and recently Rich has suggested I listen to a couple of the talks Rich Johnson has done on disappointment...so far I've only listened to the first one...but maybe I 'll write on the others too!

The reading came from Psalm 42:1-11 and you can listen to the full talk here.

Disappointment is a constant feature in life, each and every one of us will repeatedly experience it yet, we are not great at talking about it or dealing with it. Dealing with disappointment well will allow us to grow - however, if we we don't deal with it? It will hinder and trap us.

For me, life has held a fair amount of disappointment in the past few years...I was diagnosed with a life altering condition, I had to leave my degree, I've had countless hospital admissions, houses haven't turned out as I planned, family and friends have been ill and at times, life has quite frankly sucked. However, the world is not perfect and because of that we are broken and life will at times disappoint us. 

Rich defines disappointment as being what we feel when our expectations and experience don't match up. He also points out that disappointment isn't usually an emotion felt in isolation...it brings it's friends worry, anger, anxiety, hurt and cynicism with it. Last summer, I experienced a disappointment that has had a lasting impact on me and with it has come a relapse in my anxiety and eating disorder, a lot of hurt and a deliberate attempt to distance myself from the church to avoid being that vulnerable again. My experience was so vastly different to what I expected that it totally knocked my confidence in the church - my faith remained (and still does) strong...but my ability to engage with the church took a nose dive. This disappointment has continued even when I returned to the lovely St. Peter's in Brighton. I stopped attending a hub, I stopped attending church aside from to serve and ultimately I cut the open, honest relationship I had developed with those around me.

"Expectation is the route of all heartache" - William Shakespeare

One of the temptations in disappointment is to reduce our expectations to match our experience. To an extent, this is what I've done. My negative experience last summer has greatly reduced what I feel I should expect from my church. I should expect to serve - but not to receive or be treated with love and compassion. Just to clarify...this is so not what St Peter's has taught me or what I know to be true, but is just an unfortunate outcome of having experienced disappointment. Rich goes on to talk about developing a thick skin, but maintaining a soft heart. It reminded me of the need to accept that the church as a whole isn't perfect, that we are all flawed individuals who sometimes do and say things that aren't helpful, necessary or kind. That what was said or done to me in the past, needs to be just that...in the past. Disappointment has a tendency to make us defend our hearts and withdraw from intimacy with friends, family and God...leading to a feeling of isolation and loneliness, which is something I understand far too well!

I am however the one with the power to change this. I have the choice not to let my past experiences determine my future. It's hard and it might be painful and it takes time but it is do-able. To stop living in the past...I have to deal with it. Dealing with it can take so many forms and after a few chats with various people I've come to realise that I cannot expect anything from those that have hurt/disappointed me.

1. They may not even know the hurt and disappointment they caused.
2. They may know the hurt/disappointment, but they may not be sorry.

So rather than confronting them and potentially worsening the situation, I need to find ways to be at peace with the disappointment and move forward. This is partially just going to take time - it is a great healer after all, but also a fair amount of prayer and giving it to God on my part.   

But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me

and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life.

“O God my rock,” I cry,
“Why have you forgotten me?"

The evening after I listened to this preach, I turned up to The Six at St P's and was made to feel so welcome. Realistically? Nothing they were doing had actually changed, but my heart had softened a little once again. I smiled at people and engaged in conversation (though didn't initiate any!) and then managed to stay and worship in a way that felt so genuine. After months of distance and allowing disappointment to rule my life, it was relief to finally feel God once more. 

Distancing myself from St Peter's hasn't changed the hurt and disappointment I experienced elsewhere, it has just hindered me further. So tomorrow I shall be getting up bright and early to head out for the women's prayer breakfast and get myself stuck back into church life - not just hiding away cuddling a baby or two. It will be hard and I will inevitably feel anxious and alone - but unless I step out in faith and get stuck in, I will never feel the connection and intimacy I long for.