Re-Fresher.

It's the end of my first week as a student nurse. Times flies. In the past few months, there has honestly been times where I thought this day may never come and I'm still not entirely convinced it's really happening (especially as I'm still waiting on occupation health clearance for placement). However, I'm here and after months of depression, anxiety and tumbling back into my ED the fog is starting to lift. I've made it mostly in one piece and realised just how far I've come from the 18 year old who first started University 5 years ago.

I moved to Brighton, a vulnerable 18 year old who relied solely on negative coping mechanisms, I spent my first few years in Brighton swinging from crisis to crisis, desperate for someone to save me but not willing to take any responsibility for my actions. I was doing a degree I knew was wrong for me, but too scared to do anything about it. I was angry and sad about my past and petrified of my future.

Now, at nearly 23, I'm commencing a degree in a vocation that I truly love. I still have an eating disorder and the delights of depression and anxiety nipping at my heels, but this week, for the first time in months, I have felt truly present in life once more. I've sat in a pub and nattered with colleagues, I've been out for an absolutely gorgeous meal with my housemates, I've enjoyed cake with my new coursemates, made new friends, joined a hub at church and generally enjoyed being alive. I've been anxious and at times I've been low but those emotions haven't overwhelmed me as they have in the previous few months. 

I cannot wait to get stuck into my lectures and clinical skills, I'm not missing being on the wards just yet but I'm sure it won't be too long before I'm yearning to be back with patients! I know it may still be a while until I eat without anxiety or leave the house without checking the mirror a million times, but for now I'm happy to be taking small steps back into recovery and away from the person I no longer want to be.

To have the motivation to wake every morning and choose recovery and health and being present in life. To go to church and worship and mean it. To read my Bible because I want to rather than because I should.

It is so refreshing to feel like me once more.


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