Steady My Heart.

Once again, Eating Disorders Awareness Week is upon us and once again, I'm breaking the silence. I refuse to hide my story, I refuse to pretend that mental health is not a massive problem in our society. I am and always will be someone who experienced disordered eating. During periods of stress, my eating can still wobble. As much as I live very much recovered - I think I will always be "in recovery". There will always be the potential for relapse. However, the more I learn about myself, the more I learn my triggers. Looking back to when I was most entrenched in my eating disorder seems odd now. I am a completely different person. I cannot contemplate how sad I must have been to have put my body through what I did. In many ways, it's like I've almost forgotten that time. I remember bits, but with time the pain fades. Every time I write about eating disorders, I realise I'm a little more recovered than the last time I did...and I am proud. Recovery was the ...

After my somewhat melancholy post the other day, I have slept, eaten, drunk and medicated to my hearts content and am feeling slightly more coherent! If you've been reading for any length of time, you'll know I have PoTS/autonomic dysfunction and that I'm pretty open about it. I could pretend I don't have a chronic illness (given for the most part it's invisible)...but what would that really achieve? So here's a few things I've learned about living with invisible illness: It's easier to say you have a heart condition than to explain PoTS. PoTS is a condition that affects my autonomic nervous system - thus affecting everything that my body should automatically regulate (blood pressure, heart rate, digestion etc.), however, trying to explain that to someone without medical knowledge is inevitably boring for them, and time consuming for me. How do you explain a condition that many doctors don't even understand?  Dry shampoo and good deodorant becomes ...

...until you're passed out on the floor. I'm having an argument with my autonomic system once more. I am angry and I am sad and IT'S NOT FAIR. It's not often that I let my illness get me down, but at the moment it is. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't do half the things I want to do. I have collapsed multiple times this week which is so unusual for me these days. Living with POTS/autonomic dysfunction is so incredibly difficult. It's hard to explain it to someone who has never lived through this. Just because I don't look sick, doesn't mean I'm not. For one - make up can do wonders! I have been feeling awful for over a week now, gradually getting worse. My energy to fight ran out about a week ago. Currently I am functioning on pride and a large amount of stubborn. Thankfully, I've survived to annual leave. Today I didn't have to get out of bed - not that I could have done if I'd tried. Tomorrow will probably be the same....