"So I cry out with all that I have left"

I am tired. I love my new job but I am physically and emotionally drained and we're only a few weeks in. I think there are a few reasons behind my emotional tiredness:

1. Care work is inevitably emotional, I spend my shifts with poorly people - some who won't get fully better, some who will die, some who want to die. It's hard going, but I wouldn't want to be emotionless. How can I care for these people if I don't care about them? And it's not just the patients - there's the relatives too. I'm having to remind myself that it's important to leave work at work as much as possible.

2. There are a few people in my life right now who are struggling - be that a break up, an illness, an eating disorder. I love my friends and I care about them, it's privilege to support people but again - it's emotionally draining. Sometimes I want to just bang my head against the wall with frustration that I can't help enough. I constantly have to remind myself that I am only human and I am only a friend. I am not a doctor, a psychiatrist, I'm not my friend or their partner and most importantly I am not God. I need to remember to hand it over to Him, rather than holding onto the burden of worry myself which leads me onto my final reason...

3. I'm not really having any time for just God and me. I've been to church a couple of times recently, but always to serve. I'm not really picking up my Bible, I'm not even listening to worship music or praying all that often. It's not that I feel particularly distant from God...I'm just so incredibly tired that it feels like too much effort.

Silly really because I know that He is the one who can restore me. (Isaiah 40:31)

There are three things that I've read and listened to in recent weeks that have really made me consider the fact I'm feeling so spiritually drained. Firstly this article on relevantmagazine.com which looks further into the saying which we are all so familiar with as Christians...


God won’t give you more than you can handle

I think it's a fantastic article and particularly appreciated the reminder that I cannot overcome in my own strength. Actually, on my own it probably IS too much to handle! I love the way the article concludes:

"When we are willing to sit in the pain, to walk with one another when life’s path is difficult and to shoulder one another’s burdens when they are too heavy, we become an embodied promise. We become living proof that while life can sometimes be too much, through the goodness of our loving of God displayed within us, we can move forward together."

Life is too much to handle alone, but through the love of Christ Jesus we can love each other and support each other. The purpose of the church is that we don't have to do this alone! Together we are the body of Christ.


Secondly, this song by Tenth Avenue North:

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and fluid my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn

The lyrics are just perfect for where I'm at right now, often when I'm feeling spiritually tired, music is the first way I reconnect with God and this song has been doing just that for me in recent days.

And finally, specifically in relation to supporting a friend with an eating disorder I read a fantastic blog post by Emma Scrivener. The one bit that hit me right away was this:

"If you want to help your friend, then recognise what you can’t do."

Like I said earlier...I am not Jesus, I am not a psychiatrist or a mental health professional, I am just me. A friend who cares, who loves and who has had her own struggles in the past. I am not the answer, I cannot save her from the pain and torment she is going through, but I can be there in the struggles, I can give her cuddles. I cannot fix her and that is okay. 

So...if I'm feeling a bit spirtually worn, what would the best solution be? To head over to St Peter's ready to kick off the 24 hour worship session. Time to get some me time and bask in His loving mercy.

Time to wrap up warm and get out of here...
TTFN xx