"He hears you, you know"
Well, this is a fairly painful post to write...
In the process of beginning my degree I have unfortunately completely and entirely lost the grip I once had on my eating disorder. Things had been wobbly since last August and I thought things were improving. Turns out, I've just completely lost perspective, unfortunate but at least now I know. This week, I've had to accept that right now although I am a healthy weight? I am well and truly back in the grips of restriction and self hatred psychologically. It just so happens that I'm not underweight...yet.
I am so incredibly tired of living with an eating disorder. I long for it to be gone from my life, but the prospect of actually recovering is so utterly petrifying. I have recovered previously and know the joy of freedom around food, but right now that feels so distant and impossible. Every meal is filled with anxiety, and the voice screaming in my head that I am morbidly obese, that I am ugly, that nobody could ever love me like this, that I am not good enough.
I recently spent some time in Worcester and took a trip to All Saints again. I was fairly disengaged when it came to the preach but the worship and prayer at the beginning really touched me. The songs were beautiful and someone began the time of prayer by reminding us the "He hears you, you know". A few years back, my prayer life was far more passionate than it is now. I truly believed that God was hearing me, that He knew me and that He wanted to help me but as the years have gone on, I guess I've become tired and lost that trust a bit. I no longer trust that I can recover, I no longer know that he hears my cries. It's interesting though...because how can He hear me, when I refuse to talk to Him about it?
Since returning from Worcester, I've been stuck in a horrible limbo of eating (because I know I have to) and absolutely loathing myself for it. Life is good, placement is good, work is good, my relationship is good...yet it all just feels hard and bad and marred by the storm cloud of food hanging over me constantly.
Recovery is hard, but it really is the only option.
In the process of beginning my degree I have unfortunately completely and entirely lost the grip I once had on my eating disorder. Things had been wobbly since last August and I thought things were improving. Turns out, I've just completely lost perspective, unfortunate but at least now I know. This week, I've had to accept that right now although I am a healthy weight? I am well and truly back in the grips of restriction and self hatred psychologically. It just so happens that I'm not underweight...yet.
I am so incredibly tired of living with an eating disorder. I long for it to be gone from my life, but the prospect of actually recovering is so utterly petrifying. I have recovered previously and know the joy of freedom around food, but right now that feels so distant and impossible. Every meal is filled with anxiety, and the voice screaming in my head that I am morbidly obese, that I am ugly, that nobody could ever love me like this, that I am not good enough.
I recently spent some time in Worcester and took a trip to All Saints again. I was fairly disengaged when it came to the preach but the worship and prayer at the beginning really touched me. The songs were beautiful and someone began the time of prayer by reminding us the "He hears you, you know". A few years back, my prayer life was far more passionate than it is now. I truly believed that God was hearing me, that He knew me and that He wanted to help me but as the years have gone on, I guess I've become tired and lost that trust a bit. I no longer trust that I can recover, I no longer know that he hears my cries. It's interesting though...because how can He hear me, when I refuse to talk to Him about it?
Since returning from Worcester, I've been stuck in a horrible limbo of eating (because I know I have to) and absolutely loathing myself for it. Life is good, placement is good, work is good, my relationship is good...yet it all just feels hard and bad and marred by the storm cloud of food hanging over me constantly.
Recovery is hard, but it really is the only option.
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