Steady My Heart.

I've just spent 12 days in my safe place. The place I go to engage with God on a deeper level than usual and I have returned feeling utterly miserable. It's so painfully true that it's possible to feel alone in a room full of people. I stood in a tent of thousands, feeling so isolated and distant from everything. There are many reasons I chose not to engage fully - and I do believe for the most part it was a choice. I guess in many ways the isolation I am consequently feeling is self inflicted. I do such a great job of pretending, that no-one knows what's truly in my heart right now, which makes writing this blog post an interesting task. I was scared of being vulnerable, both physically and emotionally. I wanted to stand for prayer many a time, but the fear of standing and fainting held me back. The one time I started to respond, I disengaged at the first sign of feeling poorly. I was also fearful of crying in front of my team, of seeming weak, of letting them know...

A year ago: The year since diagnosis has been crazy, overwhelming, liberating and full of anger, despair, happiness and hope. It's been such a mixture but I stand here a year on, stronger than a year ago and ready for yet another year of progress (with the inevitable relapses and flares...). And in all honesty, the past year has been more of the same. I have started a new job, successfully applied to University, moved house, made new friends, seen West End shows, travelled to new cities, been part of various medical teams, seen a cousin and many friends get married. There have been so many highs, yet there's still the lows, the anger, the despair and hopelessness that comes with chronic illness. In the past year, I have learned so much and have really started to manage my health, rather than letting it manage me. I am properly compliant with my medications (most of the time) and I am far more aware of my relapse triggers. I am not any better than I was this time las...