Steady My Heart.

As I write this, it is 04.29 on a Saturday morning and it's one of those morning's when I feel totally broken. Living with a chronic illness is harder than I ever imagined, if you add a mental health wobble into the mix? Well you end up, sat awake at 04.29 feeling both physically and emotionally broken. I feel incredibly distant in my faith right now and am finding it difficult to engage, but nonetheless I know that perseverance is key. I know Jesus is with me, even though right now I struggle to feel Him. The early hours of a Saturday morning seems as good a time as any to catch up on one of the preaches that's been sat in my bookmarks for my months than I like to admit! This particular talk was given by Jules Jacob and was entitled "How to deal with anxiety" . "The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life."  John 10:10 (NLT) The second part is what Jesus wants for my life but right no...

My delightful eating disorder has reared it's ugly head well and truly recently and along with it a whirlpool of irrational thoughts and feelings. I am yet to decide which is worse...being irrational and not realising, or knowing that your thoughts are irrational yet feeling powerless to change it. I'm keeping a vague handle on things, having dropped 13kg fairly rapidly my weight is now stable. But the weight is just a symptom of inner turmoil. I've lost the enjoyment in food once more. I'm back to all or nothing and it's very difficult to keep myself on a stable, even keel. I'm eating a relatively healthy diet - full of cucumber and houmous, ryvita and light soft cheese, home made soup, salad and greek yoghurt but my "safe" diet has become incredibly limited once more. I can and will eat other meals - but they leave me feeling fat and guilty Being irrationally rational quite frankly sucks. I know one thing to be true, whilst I feel s...